Page 153 of As They Are
“Then she’s not a mother.” Tammy’s voice was low.
“That’s the thing, sheisone. Just not to me. She wanted to be, judging by these pictures. She wassoexcited. I still wonder when she decided I wasn’t worth it.”
Tammy was quiet, and in the silence, I wondered if she had started to see what Mom did. If she looked over and wondered what was wrong with me that made my own mother leave.
Eventually, I gathered the courage to look over at her. Tammy’s entire frame was tense, from the clenched fists to the thin line of her mouth.
“Bullshit,” she eventually ground out. “You don’t decide your kid isn’t what you want. You get what you get, and you do your best by your kids.”
“She wanted adaughter.Not ... me. I thought I’d gotten over her leaving, but maybe I never will. Even Dad’s death got easier over time, as sad as it was. But she’s alive. She’s walking around every day and never thinking of me.” I looked at my phone. “But she used to. Somehow, it’s worse than her being dead.”
“She failed you. I bet she’s failing all of her kids.”
“My half-sister Ginnie probably doesn’t feel the same. She’s a great mother to her. Which means she was always capable of it. I just wasn’t good enough.”
“Who could look at you and decide you’re not good enough?”
“My mom.”
“Then that’s her fucking problem. Not yours. Look at me.” Slowly, I dragged my eyes up to her. “You didn’t deserve that, you hear me?”
“I want nothing more than to believe you, but it’s hard. I’m not normal. I don’t like dresses or wear much makeup. I never wanted to go to get my nails done, and it’s not just her who’s told me that I should change. And sometimes I wonder if Ishould.”
“No,” she said. “I was never a normal girl either. Should I change?”
“Of course not.”
“Who’s tellin’ you that? It better not be Henry. I’ll give him a piece of my mind.”
The fact that she’d go after the man she’d known for years for me was sweet. “No, not Henry. Never him. But Jude did. The show has also hinted at it.”
“Then screw those idiots. You don’t have to listen to narrow-minded people. All they wanna do is make you fit into whatever the hell they think’s right. And trust me, kid. You’re way bigger than them.”
The words helped. I might have to fight what Mom taught me my entire life, but for once, the pain eased. “Thank you.”
“When did Jude say this?”
“Right before I came here.”
She shook her head. “So, he hit right on something that bothered you and you came here trying to be fine. Then, Mollie gets pregnant and it adds to it.”
My shoulders slumped. “Exactly. I feel like such a shitty friend.”
“You’re not a shitty friend for having problems. We all have them. No one can help it. You’re not taking away from her day because you’re sad.”
“I just wanna be happy for her. That’s it.”
Tammy’s hand landed on my shoulder. “We can feel two things at once. I saw your face when you looked at her. Youarehappy. But you’re also sad. And that’s okay. This’ll pass and you’ll be the best aunt a girl could ask for.”
“You think so?”
She laughed. “Absolutely. That baby’s gonna adore you. Just like Mollie does.”
Despite everything, I managed a smile. “I think I needed this chat.”
“I meant what I said earlier. Anytime, kid.” She put an arm around me, and I let myself lean into it. My own mom might not be here, she might not have chosen me, but I’d enjoy the moments of love I could find.
We sat for a few minutes, listening to the party going on outside. Once I felt more like myself, I helped Tammy up and could go back out and pretend that nothing happened.
