Page 34 of Lost in Love
“Thanks for listening,” Katherine said, turning to face her.
“Thanks for sharing, finally.”
Katherine felt the urge to hug her good night just as Anna reached out to her. Katherine responded and closed her eyes, inhaling the scent of Anna’s hair and enjoying the pressure of her body against her own. They clung on to each other longer than was necessary for a farewell parting. Katherine eventually pulled back and lifted her hand to tuck a loose strand of hair back behind Anna’s ear. She let her thumb run down Anna’s face as she did so, pausing at her jawline.
Katherine could feel the urge from her heart to lean forward and place her lips on Anna’s. Instead, she gave Anna an apologetic smile and left. Katherine knew she would understand. As soon as she was out of sight, she extracted her phone from her bag and tapped at it frantically.
“Hey,” Rebecca answered.
“I told her. I told her everything,” Katherine replied with desperation.
“How does it feel?”
“The same. My heart still says go for it, but my head is protecting me. I’m stuck.”
Rebecca breathed in steadily. “This is going to hurt, but think about your life before Helena.”
Katherine stopped. “What?”
“Knowing now what happened, would you go back in time and stop yourself ever walking into that gallery where you met her? Or would you stand by and watch yourself go in and experience all that heartache again for the amazing times you had with her?”
Katherine knew the answer straight away. She could never wish to not have known Helena just to undo all her own suffering.
“Kat? What would you do?” Rebecca asked firmly.
Tears formed in Katherine’s eyes. “I’d watch myself walk straight into that gallery.”
“Of course you would. You can’t hide behind loss so you can’t lose again; it’s not how this game is played.” Rebecca’s voice grew louder and shaky. “If you get knocked down again, I will pick you back up like last time, and I will rebuild you stronger. And I will keep doing it because that’s what friends do. But you must keep up your end of that friendship by living life and risking it all. Otherwise, you’ve learnt nothing from Helena’s death, and that would be unforgivable.” Rebecca was breathless and panted between sniffs.
Katherine wiped her eyes. The truth hurt; it ached inside her, a mixture of grief and hope.
“You go and get that girl if you want her, but do it knowing that Helena would be cheering you on from the sidelines, telling you to risk it all, because she is.”
“But if I hadn’t gone into the gallery that night, she would still be alive.”
“I thought you were past blaming yourself for the accident?”
Katherine wondered if she really was past blaming herself. She’d accepted that it wasn’t her fault someone else decided to drink and then drive into Helena’s car, but she felt responsible for them not being safe in bed that night.
As Rebecca had told her over and over, if the hospital had phoned Helena one minute later or earlier to tell her that Katherine had had a heart attack it would have likely affected the outcome. It was a chain of events that only the driver could have prevented, and he was fully to blame.
“Kat, you still there?”
“Sorry, yes. I’m going to sleep on it.”
“Okay, love you. Keep me posted and call me — ”
“I know, any time. Love you too. Night.”
Katherine hung up and crossed the drive to her front door, unsure what her brain would make of everything that had happened in the morning.
