Page 30 of Forgive Not Forget
Katherine almost fell into her chair, her legs weak beneath her. So many thoughts raced around her head she could barely focus on any of them.
Anna arrived with two glasses of wine and placed one in front of Katherine. “Two roasts coming up. Are you okay? You look as white as a sheet.”
She felt as white as a sheet. If it wasn’t for the pounding of her heart, she’d have thought she’d been drained of blood. Anna had pulled the ground out from underneath her feet with her question. Lifting the very welcome glass of wine to her mouth, she downed half of it.
“Steady on,” Anna said with a nervous laugh.
Katherine wiped her top lip with the tip of her tongue and set the glass down.
Anna reached across the table and placed her hand on Katherine’s. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. Have I upset you?”
“No, I’m just a little… shocked, that’s all.”
She’d spent the last few years thinking about what she’d lost, not about replacing it. Was that even possible? Would she even want to if she could? Her head spun and a pulsing sensation gripped at her neck.
Moose appeared beside the table and sniffed at Anna’s leg, making her jump.
“Hi, Moose.” Anna stroked the bear-like dog behind his ear, just where he liked it. He groaned and pushed back against her with some force.
“Okay, enough Moose. Go to your basket.” The Labrador trundled off to the next table, in search of more attention. Anna rolled her eyes after him.
When Anna’s gaze returned to meet Katherine’s, it made her feel as if Anna was waiting for her to say more. There were no words, though. She tried to compose herself and find some. The least Anna deserved was a response.
“I didn’t think you wanted children. I don’t know why I thought that. I assumed,” Katherine said softly.
“I did when I was younger, but then I sort of gave up on the idea.” Anna’s eyes brightened. “I think we could be great parents, though, don’t you?”
“I’ve not really thought about it. I’ve not thought beyond us to be honest.”
Katherine grappled with herself to find a new subject to discuss. Her thoughts were failing her when she needed them most. Her mind filled instead with the images that ran through it whenever she thought of Helena and the baby: the police turning up at her hospital bed the following morning; the thought of Helena being somewhere in the basement of the same building, stone-cold in a mortuary drawer with their baby inside her; returning to the empty house after; seeing their bed as Helena had left it after leaping out of it for the final time to rush off to the hospital. Then having to deal with the funeral, a quiet empty house, and all the things they had already bought for the baby. Thankfully Rebecca had dealt with most of the logistics; Katherine had been left to deal with her emotions — or not, as the case had been.
She could feel her eyes beginning to moisten. “I’m going to pop to the ladies.”
Within moments she was facing herself in the ladies’ room mirror. She unravelled some toilet roll from the nearest cubicle and wiped her eyes and blew her nose, thankful she was alone. Starting a family with Anna should have been the easiest and fastest question to answer, and under normal circumstances, it would have been. As she was increasingly aware, her life didn’t operate under normal circumstances. Despite her attempts to move on, just when she thought she had, something would pull her back, and the feelings of guilt would start all over again. Each time she would wonder if she would ever be able to move past it properly. Any answer that she gave Anna would need to be based on how she felt about it now. She couldn’t let feelings from the past get in the way. It wouldn’t be fair to Anna.
The only problem was, she didn’t know how she felt.
CHAPTER12
Anna scrubbed at the last remnants of purple spray paint.
“There, nearly done. I’ll soon have you back to normal.” Anna placed a hand on the stone wall. It broke her heart that someone had once again sprayed the chapel, particularly as it was such a special place to her and Katherine.
A check of her watch told her that Tom and Abigail’s school bus would shortly be arriving. With a final scrub and a rinse with a clean bucket of water, she stood back and admired her work. Although the wall stood free of spray paint, it showed the scars from the two vigorous brushes it had undergone in one week. The natural wear and colour of the stone had gone, and with it the lichen and moss that naturally formed in the cracks. Something had to be done to catch these vandals, and if the police weren’t going to help, then it was up to them.
She returned the buckets and brushes to the cleaning cupboard in the visitor centre and scrubbed her hands in the large sink until the water flowed as clearly as it was going to. Cupboards like this one always reminded her of the janitor’s cupboard at school. They all came with a large butler sink, a big metal bucket on wheels — or a yellow plastic one in more modern times — and that strange, not necessarily unpleasant odour of scented cleaning products mixed with bleach.
All cleaned up and with buckets washed out, she entered what was a busy visitor centre for midweek and exited through the main doors. The extension beside the entrance was progressing well. The foundations had been laid as soon as the builders had been allowed back on-site, and now a fully formed, hollow structure sat upon them. When finished, it would mould itself seamlessly with the current, glass-fronted structure as if it had always been part of it.
Anna left the site and passed Abbey House, where Katherine had spent the morning dealing with Sophie’s crew as they finished up their survey of both the abbey site and their garden. Their van was no longer in the car park, so Anna assumed Katherine would now be preparing for the children’s imminent arrival.
Following Katherine’s unenthusiastic reaction to her mention of children at the weekend, Anna had added the topic to her list of things she and Katherine needed to have a serious discussion about. This one was slightly more important than that of invitations and wedding dates, but it wasn’t something Anna was in a hurry to bring up again. It was going to be a sore point for Katherine, and she didn’t want to push it too much. There was a case that needed answering, but only when Katherine was ready.
A bus passed Anna as she made her way down the high street, splashing into the rain-filled potholes that were a permanent feature of the road. It stopped a little way down from the row of shops. She jogged to meet it, concerned that Tom and Abigail would forget she was collecting them and head home. They were old enough to walk up to Abbey House by themselves, though Anna didn’t trust Tom not to wander off and do as he pleased.
The bus pulled away, revealing an eagerly waiting Abigail and less-than-impressed Tom.
“Hi, kids. Good day at school?” Anna asked as she approached them.
