Page 80 of Forgive Not Forget
“We’re not allowed to scream apparently. The facilitator said they won’t tolerate any behaviour that could be seen as combative and unhelpful.”
“Okay, let’s go with internal screams then,” Anna said, taking Katherine’s clammy, cold hands in hers. “I just wish I could do this for you.”
“I know you do. This is all mine to bear.” Her heart pounded in her chest as it had done for the days leading up to this moment. “I could have used those beta blockers today.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
Katherine shrugged. “I want to feel everything today, whatever it brings.”
She opened the car door and slowly got out, straightening the creases in her long, black coat. It was the coat she’d worn to Helena and the baby’s funeral. She leaned back into the car for her handbag, which she had preemptively stuffed full of tissues.
“I’ll see you in a while then.”
“I’ll be waiting. Good luck.”
Katherine made the short walk to the prison door, forcing one leg in front of the other. Being a city prison, it was built in a traditional style, with high, brick walls and an archway with enormous, wooden doors. She headed for the security booth at the entrance, where she gave her name and was escorted by a guard across a courtyard and into a Victorian-style building.
The guard left her in a reception area where another guard asked if he could search her bag. She handed it over. It hadn’t crossed her mind she would be searched. He rummaged through the contents, handed it back to her, and then pulled a flat wand from a strap on his legs.
“Can you lift your arms, please?”
Katherine followed his orders, hoping she didn’t smell of sweat. He ran the wand over her body and, content that she wasn’t carrying anything questionable, led her to a waiting area. What the guard didn’t know was that she was carrying a pencil sharp enough to open anyone’s carotid artery, should she choose to use it. A woman could get far when equipped with the correct stationery.
A short lady with a grey bowl cut approached before Katherine could rest her trembling legs.
“Katherine? I’m Sheila, the facilitator.” She held her hand out.
“Hello,” Katherine replied, shaking it firmly in the hope Sheila wouldn’t feel the tremble.
“Come through. We’ll have a quick chat, and then we’ll start when you’re comfortable, okay?”
Katherine followed her into a room with bare walls and worn carpet tiles. A table sat in the middle of the room, two boxes of tissues and some small bottles of water in the centre. She shivered despite the warmth radiating from the back of her neck and under her arms. It wasn’t exactly a welcoming environment considering what was about to happen in here. She would certainly mention that if there was a feedback form. Internally she rolled her eyes at her thought; this wasn’t a training course.
“Now I suggest you sit here.” Sheila pointed to the nearest chair. “It being closest to the door and all. I’m going to suggest Jeremy is seated opposite you, over here. I’ll sit between you at the end of the table. A guard will be with us at all times, and he’ll sit opposite me. Are you happy with the arrangement, or would you prefer it without the table?”
“It’s fine, thank you.” The table was her protection, a barrier between them. She didn’t feel threatened by Jeremy; it was more a lack of trust in herself to not do something stupid. In truth, she didn’t know how she was going to react when she saw him.
Taking a seat where Sheila had suggested, she placed her bag under the table and took out her notebook and her deathly sharp pencil. It was more out of habit that she’d brought them with her. They had added to the false belief that she was just going to any other meeting, that and the formal business attire, another layer of protection.
“Can I get you a tea or coffee?”
Fearful she wouldn’t be able to hold the cup steady, she politely refused, and Sheila took her seat.
“Following our conversation, I’ve typed up some notes with a list of questions you said you’d like to ask. Jeremy has a couple of questions he’d like to ask too.”
Jeremy. She just made it all very real with one word. This wasn’t any meeting; it was a meeting with him.
“Have you thought of any other questions you’d like to ask?”
Katherine shook her head.
Sheila passed her a sheet of paper which included some basic ‘house rules’ including that she should listen, be respectful, and not interrupt, followed by a list of the bullet-point questions they had discussed.
“Now, before we start, remember you are free to leave at any time. If you need a break, ask. You don’t have to ask or answer anything you’re not comfortable with. I will lead the conversation to start with, though you may find you begin to engage with him more independently.”
Katherine nodded.
“Are you ready for him to come in?”
