Page 81 of Forgive Not Forget
Katherine nodded again, wondering if her voice would come to her when he arrived.
Sheila unclipped a walkie-talkie from her belt and spoke into it.
The door opened a few minutes later, and a guard entered, followed by Jeremy. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight of him, she cleared it with a cough. The last time was in court, where she’d listened to him describe that night and how he’d killed Helena. She had thought about him over the years, but now realised she had been imagining someone quite different. Although his height was the same as she remembered, the man before her was much older, greyer, and more forlorn. He had never aged or withered in her mind. Then in a suit, his grey jogging bottoms and plain navy sweatshirt diminished his stature. Her heart rate picked up again, going into fight or flight mode. She took some slow breaths to calm herself.
Jeremy took the seat opposite Katherine and made eye contact with her. She looked down at her notebook, not ready to engage with him just yet.
Sheila went through the rules again. Katherine zoned out, imagining she was walking through the fields of sunflowers on the cover of her notebook.
“Would you like to go first, Katherine?”
Katherine nodded. She remained silent, unable to get her words out.
“Would you like me to speak for you, Katherine?”
Katherine closed her eyes and shook her head. Taking a deep breath, she forced her head up and opened her eyes to see Jeremy still sat there, most definitely not an illusion — as much as she wished it. She swallowed hard, hoping to keep whatever was sat at the top of her stomach where it was.
“Why did you request to see me now?” she began.
Jeremy leaned forward on the table. It was at this point Katherine noticed he wasn’t wearing any kind of restraints. Was this normal?
“At the time of the accident, I was thinking about the impact on my life, not others, so I wanted an opportunity to say sorry. I understand how important it is for the word to be said, and I wanted to say it to you, face to face.” Jeremy stared into Katherine’s eyes. “I am sorry, and I want you to know that I think about it every day, as I expect you do. I don’t think there will be a day when I don’t think about what I did.”
With no words with which to respond, Katherine nodded. It wasn’t an acceptance of the apology so much as an acknowledgement that he’d said it.
A glance at the sheet in front of her helped her focus on the next question. She wanted to get through them as quickly as possible and get back to the safety of the car, where Anna was waiting for her. “What were you thinking when you got in the car in that state?”
“I ask myself that a lot, and the only conclusion I’ve reached is I wasn’t thinking.” Jeremy scratched his forehead. “I can’t believe I did it, that I would be so stupid. But I’d done it before, and nothing had happened. I guess I thought I was in control.”
The room fell into silence. Visions of the man in front of her driving into Helena’s car replayed in her mind. The sound of an impact she never heard, the hissing of the engine, wasn’t that how it played out in the movies?
Sheila stepped in to re-establish the momentum.
“Katherine, what else would you like to ask Jeremy?”
Katherine looked to Sheila, and she urged her on with a nod.
“Can you tell me” — Katherine took a breath and then looked at Jeremy — “what happened that night?”
“Jeremy, are you happy to describe to Katherine your recollections of the night?”
He sat back in his chair and scratched at the tops of his legs. “I’d had an argument with my wife that night. She’d been threatening to leave me and take my daughter. I’d already had a lot to drink… too much to drink. I wanted more. So I got in the car to go to the all-night off-licence near to my house. They probably wouldn’t have served me anyway.” Jeremy shifted uncomfortably at his words.
This information, facts Katherine already knew, reminded her what a needless and senseless waste Helena’s death had been. It wasn’t like Laura’s husband’s death, where he’d slowed an attacker down, physically used his body to prevent harm to others. An intoxicated man wanted to get more intoxicated and decided to drive to an off-licence that probably wouldn’t have served him anyway, and it cost Helena and the baby their lives.
“I didn’t see the red light… I just didn’t see it. I kept going, and then the car suddenly stopped. It all happened so fast, and then everything happened really slowly,” Jeremy rambled, his hands jerking as he spoke. “I came round with my head against the airbag. I remember thinking that someone would come and help, someone would have seen it happen. No one was there. No one came. I looked over the steering wheel, but all I could see was the bonnet squashed up, so I didn’t realise I’d hit someone. I thought it was a lamppost or something, you know.”
Katherine sniffed and gulped.
“I got out, and then I saw the car, and… and your wife with her head against the airbag. The window was broken… I leaned in to see if she was okay.”
His pace finally slowed. Katherine bit her lips together to control her trembling chin, fighting back the tears that were resting in her eyes, threatening to cascade at any moment.
Jeremy continued. “She opened her eyes and looked at me. Then, just before she lost consciousness, she…”
Katherine held her breath.
He frowned. “She called out for her cat.”
