Page 84 of Forgive Not Forget
Jeremy nodded. “I understand.”
“For what it’s worth,” Katherine continued, breathless, “I’m pleased you’re managing to turn your life around. I hope your daughter can reconcile with what you’ve done and that you can have a relationship with her one day.”
“Thank you. I don’t deserve your kindness.”
Sheila stretched her arms out, placing her hands on the table in front of them. “We have no follow-up planned, but if anything changes, you both know how to reach me.”
“Thank you,” Jeremy replied as he stood, taking a cue from the prison officer, who was now looming over him.
“I’ll be in to see you later, Jeremy, so you can sign the paperwork.”
He nodded at Sheila and then looked directly at Katherine one last time. “Goodbye, Katherine. Thank you for coming to see me.”
She said nothing and simply watched as he left the room.
“Feel free to sit for a moment and compose yourself,” Sheila said, scribbling some notes on the papers in front of her.
“Thank you.” She did need a moment. Her head was spinning with everything they had spoken about, and her face and body ached.
Sheila popped her pen down. “I hope you don’t mind me saying, Katherine, but you’ve spoken a lot today about guilt. Do you feel by holding on to this guilt that it gives you control over a situation that was ultimately out of your hands? Does the pain make you feel like part of what happened?”
Katherine thought for a moment. Was that what she was doing, clinging on to it still in the hope of changing what happened? Did the guilt make her feel closer to it, part of it?
“Perhaps,” she replied softly.
“The universe is hectic and chaotic, Katherine. We have no control. You hold on to your guilt to give yourself hope that you could have changed the outcome. It was a horrific accident — preventable, but an accident, nonetheless. Nothing is going to bring your wife and baby back now. You can work through every scenario in your head to bring about a different outcome, but nothing will change the fact that they’ve gone and you’re still here. You need to allow yourself to move on. You’ve grieved enough. Remember them, but don’t let them haunt you.”
That was all well and good to say, but —
“How?” Katherine spluttered, trying to contain her frustration.
“There’s no magic switch. You must start by accepting that you cannot change anything. You need to understand that it’s okay to move on. Then you’ll find you start to allow yourself to, and then it will start to get easier. Lost loved ones want us to live our lives because then they live on. What would Helena say if she could see you?”
“She’d tell me to snap out of it.” Katherine laughed. “I think I have; then I realise I haven’t. I’ve just been pushing it deeper, hoping it will eventually fall out of me.”
Sheila nodded. “It’s a common mistake. The only way out is to confront it. You seem like a woman who likes to be in control, and this is something that needs to be taken charge of. If anyone can do it, I’m sure you can. To fully embrace your future, you need to let go of the past. Stop punishing yourself for something you cannot change. From what you’ve told me, I understand you have quite the future ahead of you if you can just allow yourself to take it. Love doesn’t often come around twice; that much I know.”
Katherine’s lips curled into a smile at the thought of Anna. “I’m incredibly lucky to have Anna. I don’t think I was ready for her to show up in my life when she did, but…”
“She did anyway,” Sheila finished when Katherine lapsed back into thought. “Worry about the things you can control, not the ones you can’t. I’m a grief counsellor, so if you’d like to talk further, email me. We can set something up.”
Katherine nodded. “I’d like that, thank you. I better get going. Anna will be wondering where I am.”
Sheila led her out into the courtyard and back to the main gate.
“I hope this experience will bring you some closure, Katherine. I really do.”
“Thank you for your support. I’m not sure I would have got through it without you.”
Sheila flashed her a smile in response and disappeared back into the courtyard. The guard opened the door for Katherine to the outside world, an outside world that looked and felt a little different. Helena wouldn’t have wanted her to live as she was. Anna, Rebecca, Sheila, even bloody Jeremy, they were all right, as much as she hated to admit it. It was time to start looking forward, not back. She felt a profound sense of relief as she stepped out into the sun, a relief that couldn’t hold itself in.
CHAPTER33
Katherine had been in the prison for over an hour, all alone. Anna wished she’d tried to be more persuasive, insistent even that she shouldn’t go in by herself, but she had to respect her wishes. She placed her book down on the dashboard and stretched. A yawn forced its way from her mouth as she checked the wooden doors at the end of the road again for signs of Katherine.
The car door opened. Anna jumped an inch off her seat. A figure, who was most definitely not Katherine, sat in the passenger seat.
“Becks, what the…? You scared the shit out of me.”
