Page 86 of Forgive Not Forget
Katherine gave them a crumpled smile. “What are you doing here, Becks?”
“Where else would I be today? Now, shall we get pissed?”
Katherine shook her head and dabbed a tissue at her eyes. “No, I’d like to go and see Helena.” She looked to Anna. “If that’s okay?”
Anna ran a caring hand down her arm. “Of course it is.”
“And then I’d just like to go home to bed. I’ve never felt so exhausted.”
Rebecca put an arm around her and guided her to the car. “Whatever you need, Kat. We’re here for you.”
* * *
Katherine walked away from the car. She knew the route far too well and she’d always walked it alone. Today would be no different. Anna’s and Rebecca’s concerned faces stared at her through the windscreen as she glanced back. Thankfully they’d understood she wanted to visit Helena on her own.
She followed the recently mowed path down three rows and across six headstones to the left, to the tree with a bench in front of it. It was one of the better spots in the cemetery.
Katherine looked down at Helena’s final resting place. She pushed away the mental image of her body, with the tiny body of their baby inside it, lying six feet below. She would have preferred Helena to have a cremation — then she could have spread her ashes somewhere meaningful. They could have been free to roam the earth instead of being trapped beneath it.
There were no flowers or pots beside the headstone. Helena had thought it was depressing to see dead flowers and plants left at gravesides. “What’s wrong with simple grass and a few weeds?” she had once remarked.
Katherine looked at the familiar wooden bench where she always sat when she visited, where she always wept. Having drenched it with tears over the years, she felt like it was part of her.
Resisting it this time, she turned back to the grave. “I won’t stop long, and I’m sorry I haven’t been for a while. I was trying something new this year for the anniversary.” Katherine bit at her lips. “It backfired, as the best plans always do. Becks says she popped by to see you, though. She came to see me after. We had a bit of a falling out… over Jeremy of all people.”
Taking a deep breath she continued. “I went to see him today. He asked for forgiveness… I gave it to him. I know you would want me to — for my benefit, not his. He made me realise that we make our own ghosts. We haunt ourselves.”
Anna hadn’t been wrong when she’d accused Katherine of wallowing. She had allowed grief to become a familiar friend over the years, embraced it even, as reflection of the love she lost. It had given her purpose when she had nothing else.
“You’re always there in the back of my mind. I hear you telling me off when I do things differently to how I know you would have done them. Then I hear Anna’s voice.” Katherine exhaled, closing her eyes briefly. “None of this has been fair on her, but then, I didn’t expect her. She appeared from nowhere and…” Katherine looked back to the car to see Anna was now out of it and leaning against it. They made brief eye contact before Anna turned away. “…and she consumed me.”
Katherine’s gaze fell back to the headstone.
“I seem to recall I referred to Anna as an annoying tour guide on my last visit. Since then I’ve come to love her as much as I love you. Loved you,” Katherine corrected herself. Although her love for her was still present, Helena was very much in her past. She knew she needed to start changing her mindset if she was going to move on with her life. Minor changes like this would be a start.
She looked up to the sky as she wrapped her coat around her to contain her trembling, though she knew it wasn’t the cool air that caused her to shake.
“I need to take you from my mind now, but you’ll always be in my heart, Helena, both you and the baby. I have a lot of work to do emotionally, and I don’t know where that will leave me, so I can’t say when I’ll visit again… or if I’ll be able to.”
She blew out a slow breath, blinking away the tears in her sore eyes.
“I won’t forget you. I’m just going to try hard not to remember you so often, if that’s okay?”
Katherine placed her fingers to her lips and then rested them on the headstone. “Goodbye my loves.”
She retraced her steps to the car, where her future was waiting for her with open arms to embrace her.
CHAPTER34
Anna woke the next morning, pleased to find Katherine still asleep beside her. The journey back to Nunswick from the prison had been quiet. Katherine had fallen in and out of sleep on the way. When she was awake, Anna left her to her thoughts as she stared out the window. She must have been given a lot to process, and Anna didn’t want to push her into talking about it if she wasn’t ready.
At the graveyard she’d half expected Katherine to break down, so she was surprised to find she was calm and resolute. She was even more surprised that Helena had a burial rather than a cremation. Katherine had said Helena wanted to feed the worms and be reabsorbed into nature.
Rebecca had made Katherine promise to call her when she felt able, and then they had left her to get a taxi back across the city.
The only words Katherine had spoken on the matter came before she fell asleep. She promised to tell Anna everything when she was ready. Anna hoped that would be soon. She hated walking on eggshells around Katherine.
With an easy day ahead of them, she was in no hurry to wake Katherine. Instead, she left her to sleep whilst she checked her emails and then wrapped a birthday present she’d bought for Abigail. She was assisted by Virginia, who insisted on sitting on the wrapping paper she had rolled out on the kitchen table.
