Page 13 of Broken Beyond Repair
“I only needed a fridge in here once you left and I had no one to bring me drinks.”
Sydney folded her arms in mock frustration. “So you’re saying you replaced me with a fridge?”
“Err, this sounds like a trap.” Sam laughed nervously.
Sydney smiled, then spotted the old sofa in the corner of the workshop as they made their way outside. “I can’t believe you’ve still got that old sofa,” she commented.
“Yeah. It doesn’t see as much action as it used to.”
The comment tripped her as images of the times they’d spent on it were suddenly at the forefront of her mind.
“Sorry, too soon?” Sam asked.
“No, it”—Sydney’s forehead furrowed—“just feels like a lifetime ago.”
It wasn’t a lifetime ago, nearer thirteen years since she left. It was bizarre seeing everything again, like a vivid dream where everything feels so real and yet at a distance.
She’d never really processed it all. Was there a right or wrong way to deal with being told by your partner of three years that they were struggling with their identity and would no longer identify as the woman you fell in love with? Where did it leave her identity as a lesbian? If Sam was living as the man he’d always been, they would be seen as a heterosexual couple.
In hindsight, she realised how ignorant she’d been. Sam was still Sam inside. Hewas possibly a truer form of the Sam that Sydney loved, now that he didn’t have to hide behind a mask. Even though the world had changed in the last thirteen years, she should have spent less time back then worrying about what other people thought.
When Sam told her how unhappy he’d been feeling within himself, it had broken her. By then, cracks had started to appear in their relationship; whether that was to do with how Sam was feeling at the time, she didn’t know.
Sydney shook off the ruminating thoughts and followed Sam around the workshop onto the deck where a light, salty wind blew across the shoreline. It was a refreshing change to the stifling heat inland.
“How’s your mum doing?” Sam asked, taking a seat at the wooden table he’d built when they had moved in.
“Great, actually. It took her a few years to fight it, but she’s been clear for ten now.”
Sam nodded. “If anyone could kick cancer’s butt, it was your mum.”
“True,” Sydney replied, choosing a shady seat beside Sam. “It hasn’t been all plain sailing. She’s never been able to return to work since… Dad.”
“Rosie told me what happened,” Sam said before pulling his lips tightly to one side. “I’m truly sorry. He was one of the best.”
Sydney nodded. “After he… well, I couldn’t get back on the boat and carry on without him. My uncle’s doing a grand job now. Though the fishing industry isn’t what it used to be. Have you seen your family since you…”
“Transitioned?” Sam supplied. “You know, it is okay to say the word.”
She bit her lip. “Sorry.”
“No, they barely accepted me before when I wasjust a lesbian. I have my workshop and plenty of boats for company. What more do I need?”
Sydney took a sip of her water. “A good woman to warm your bed?”
“I had one of those.”
Their eyes met, and a sadness fell over Sam’s. Sydney refused to feel sorry for herself. She had asked for that as much as a punch to the gut, and it winded her just as much.
“Sorry if I abandoned you in the middle of everything,” she said.
“It’s okay. Well, it’s not, at all, but your mum needed you.”
“So did you. I just couldn’t see myself in a relationship with a man.” Sydney closed her eyes briefly. “Even though I see now that I was already in one. It wouldn’t have been fair to you, though, if we stayed together. You needed to find your way through it, notourway through it. Plus, we weren’t in a good place. You were unhappy. I’d spent months believing it was me making you unhappy, so by the time you told me, I’d kind of already checked out.” She stopped, realising she was rambling.
“Honestly, Syd, I’m good now,” Sam reassured her. “I’ve even started a helpline. I help others just beginning to transition, and even though I’ve been through it myself, I still find it hard to help others understand themselves. There is only so much you can do; the rest they must do themselves. We give them reassurance, kindness, and love as they go through it.”
Sydney found she was unable to shake her guilt. “Which is what you deserved from me.”
