Page 83 of Broken Beyond Repair
Beatrice was the one to break the embrace, leaving Sydney feeling guilty for pushing.
“You’re welcome. Look, I’m sorry about last night,” Beatrice said, taking a seat at the table.
So was she. Sorry that Beatrice had stopped her when she did. Sydney took a seat beside her, turning it towards her. If it was going to be one of those talks, she wanted to look the woman right in the eye as she rejected her.
“I should never have kissed you,” Beatrice said. “It was a mistake. Any relationship beyond the professional is inappropriate.”
“It didn’t feel like that last night. You don’t trust me to keep it low-key, is that it?”
Beatrice met her gaze briefly and then stared out to sea.
“I don’t trust myself to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, Sydney,” she replied firmly.
“Do you think you don’t deserve me? Is that what you were saying last night? Because that’s not true.”
Beatrice’s eyes returned to hers. “I can’t hide you, Sydney. You’re not someone to be hidden. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you. Don’t you see that I couldn’t be with you and not show you off to the world? And that’s not an option for me. I put a stop to it because I’m not one for a one-night stand and I can’t offer you anything more than that. I didn’t want you to feel used.”
She’d be happy for Beatrice to make her feel anything, even used.
“If we’d gone further, we would never have stopped. I would have lost control of a situation I barely have a grip on as it is.”
A situation. Was that what she was to Beatrice? She didn’t want to dispute the point with her when she had clearly made up her mind. The last thing she wanted was to fight with her when they were finally in a good place, despite everything that had happened.
“So I really can’t persuade you to do it again?” Sydney asked in a final attempt.
“Please, Sydney, don’t be like all the others. Please respect me when I say no.”
That was an end to it. Beatrice shut the conversation down, something she was highly skilled at. There was no way Sydney was going to be disrespectful towards her and no way to approach it without being so. She was going to have to let it go… for the time being.
“So, are you going to tell me why Anthony owes you a favour, or are you going to keep me guessing?” Beatrice asked, changing the subject.
“Antony’s eldest daughter was a little on the wayward side. She used to drink heavily, take drugs, and party until all hours. I know because I was the one picking her up, quite literally sometimes, often in a pile of her own vomit. I put her on the straight and narrow whilst I was working for him. She’s at Oxford now.”
Beatrice’s lips tightened. “You never cease to amaze me. You certainly have a way with children. Look at Alex since you arrived; he’s so much happier. You’ve changed him.”
“I don’t think he’s changed. It’s you that has, and that’s changed his attitude towards you.”
Beatrice thought for a moment. “Perhaps you are right.”
“I am.”
CHAPTER31
The bubbles were all but disappearing in Beatrice’s bath, leaving the view of her bare breasts wallowing in the water. Her nipples poked through the surface. It was a view that she’d become accustomed to, yet it was an ever-changing landscape like the rest of her body. It was beginning to shed its autumn leaves as it prepared for the transition into winter in the coming years. She cupped some water in her hands and threw it over her cold, exposed shoulders and then her face, washing away the fatigue from a poor night’s sleep.
It was strange to think a woman fifteen years her junior thought her body was attractive, enjoyed it — for a moment at least. Visions of Sydney enjoying her breasts had consumed her mind since. The thought of it made her body yearn for more, for Sydney’s mouth to press against her own again, her roaming fingers to have finished what they tried to start before she’d put a stop to it. She’d never felt that depth of desire inside herself for someone before.
She’d allowed Sydney to see her in a natural state, in body and mind. Her audiences had seen her body. Not that she’d wanted them to, but sometimes it was part of the role. Being seen by someone she did want to see her naked, though, was empowering. To have shared such an intimate moment with her, however short, exposing herself and leaving herself vulnerable, felt liberating. Wasn’t the need to be seen human nature? To be seen was to exist.
She was old enough to believe that every human body was beautiful in its own way. Beauty was very much in the eye of the beholder in her book, and her body had received rave reviews from onlookers. The few times she’d ventured to look online, it was all people spoke about. Anywhere there was space for a comment, she would find most people admiring it. As for the rest, she’d often wondered what sort of people took time out of their day to leave rude remarks about other people’s bodies online. Did they have nothing better to do?
Even with all the positive comments, there were still parts she wished she could change. Didn’t everyone have a list? Her thighs could be slenderer, her tummy tighter, her breasts perter. The constant battle against time was not to be won, and so not one to be fought. Everyone was a loser when pitted against it the moment they were born. The only way to outsmart it was by leaving the world too early — and that was no win.
As much as she had enjoyed that brief moment with Sydney, it was a careless slip. Allowing herself to be carried away in the heat of the moment was unlike her. It had taken every ounce of self-restraint to stop it and even more not to do it again. The passion with which Sydney responded suggested it would have been more than welcome. Beatrice’s attraction to her was undeniable, but she could see no future for them, not whilst she needed to hide herself for her career. It was something she despised doing, yet was a necessity.
Sympathy would be overflowing for the abuse she had suffered over the years; abuse that was out of her control. To reveal to the world she wanted to be with a woman, something else out of her control, she would be judged, ridiculed, and ostracised. The world was so full of bigoted people who thought their opinion mattered when it came to how others wished to live their lives. Two women loving each other was no different to any other relationship. If the world could rid itself of compulsory heterosexuality, it would be a better place for it.
There was a reason so many actors were closeted. It was their only line of defence. One actor she worked with on a film brought his gentleman friend to set every day under the guise of being his PA. When she’d accidentally walked in on them holding hands, the actor revealed to her that they’d been living together as a couple for twenty years. The media were still speculating about which of the women he dined with regularly might be a love interest.
