Page 94 of Broken Beyond Repair
She’d felt something wasn’t right in Alex’s world for a while. She foolishly put it down to the standard teenage angst. Didn’t all teenagers struggle to find their place in the world? She hadn’t recognised that Alex’s struggle went beyond that. A good mother would have asked what was wrong. Even if Alex hadn’t wanted to talk to her, it would have shown she cared. Instead, she’d buried her head in the sand like she did with a lot of other important things.
“It seems I never got the owner’s manual on being a man,” Alex said.
“There isn’t one, darling. Everyone is muddling their way through something and desperately trying to look as if they are in control. Are you changing your pronouns?”
“No, Mum. I’m just figuring things out at the moment. Sam made me realise that we don’t decide our gender; we discover it and then decide how to apply it. That’s what I’m going to do. I’m writing my story, no one else is. It’s time you wrote your own story, too, Mum. To those who matter, it won’t matter, and everyone else can fuck off.”
She thought to chastise the bad language but couldn’t bring herself to. It was the truth.
“Perhaps it’s time we all faced ourselves.”
Alex nodded. “You know… you and Syd made a good team — the best team. It’s a shame you can’t become a permanent team.”
“What?” Beatrice asked, her eyes widening.
“I saw how you were with each other!” Alex insisted. “You’re not the only one that goes downstairs for a drink at night.”
Beatrice’s hand shot to her mouth. “Oh, God! Please tell me you didn’t see us.” She couldn’t handle the thought of Alex witnessing that. It was enough to scar him for life.
“I saw you kissing, that’s all. Trust me, no kid wants to watch their mum kissing for a second longer than they must.” He shuddered. “It’s sad that you’re scared to be with her.”
“I’m not scared,” Beatrice protested.
“You are. Otherwise, she’d be here with you. It’s okay to be scared. Fear is what makes us question something, so we don’t make a mistake, but this isn’t a mistake, Mum — it’s you.”
She composed herself, reality biting. “Okay, so maybe I am a little bit scared.”
“A lot.”
Beatrice beamed at him. “When did you get so smart, eh?”
“When you weren’t paying attention.”
“Sorry.” Her eyes fell to the floor. “It’s not simple for someone like me… to be me.”
“Life is as simple or as complicated as you make it. I was scared to tell you how I was feeling because of how you might react, but we can’t live our lives worried about what others think. Especially when they might not even think that way. I liked who you were when you were around her.”
Beatrice had to agree with him. Sydney brought light into her life, she made everything easy, and she made life enjoyable.
Alex looked up at her, his eyes subdued. “I miss her, Mum.”
“Me too, kid. Me too. So you don’t mind, then, if I like women?”
“I only care that you’re you and you’re happy, and I know you’re not. And I can’t be happy with that. You be you and I’ll be me, promise?”
“Promise.” The word fell out of her mouth so easily. Could she promise that?
“And Dad can fuck off.”
This time it was a little far. “Alex!”
“Sorry,” he replied, though he seemed self-satisfied with the swear. “Syd suggested I move schools, have a fresh start, reinvent myself somewhere new.”
She recalled the conversation she’d overheard between them, when she’d thought they were talking about what he wanted to be when he grew up. How stupid she’d been not to realise. Yet Sydney had. She had made sure someone was there for Alex when no one else was. When no one else was paying attention — even though it was their job to pay attention as a parent — she’d been listening.
“Do you want to move schools? It is an option.”
“No. I’m going to stand my ground and be who I am, no matter what anyone else thinks. It’s them with the problem, not me. It’s what you should do too. Choose happiness and we’ll sort out the rest… together.”
