Page 81 of Beyond Her Manner
“I understand my feelings,” Gillan replied firmly. “Accepting those feelings is a hurdle; acting on them is Herculean.”
“You did act.” Viola’s tone was firm, firmer than Gillian had ever heard it. When she chanced a glance at the younger woman, her eyes coiled with some unknown emotion. “You kissed me, and I felt you, Gillian. I felt all of you. I felt what you wanted.”
“Wants and needs are different. I need to uphold my standing in the village. I’ve already fallen too far.”
“And what?” Viola snapped. “Acknowledging your feelings for me would lead to you being where? At the bottom of the Kingsford social hierarchy?”
“I’ve already acknowledged my feelings. As you say, I kissed you,” Gillian answered. “As for taking it any further, that Icannot do. I built a life here, a life I could only once dream of, and I lost it. I cannot bear any more losses.”
“Loss! A life with me would be a loss,” Viola said, turning away from her.
“I didn’t mean…” Gillian trailed off, unable to make sense of her thoughts.
Viola turned back, eyes blazing with anger as she glared at her. “What did you mean? That you’re ashamed to be with me. Is that why you kept your distance at the ball? Standing apart from me in conversations to prevent us from appearing too close. Is that it?”
Despite recoiling in her seat at Viola’s tone, Gillian tried to pitch her reply with composure. “I was merely standing back to give you space to host. I was all too aware it wasn’t my position. I am also aware that at such events I can too easily take over.” She refrained from adding that she was worried if she stood too close to her, everyone would be able to read her face and see how much she longed for her.
“I thought you would enjoy it, and you seemed to.” Viola’s tone softened, much to Gillian’s relief. “You were in your element at the beginning of the evening.”
“I was. That’s the problem. It served as a reminder of everything I lost, how far I’ve fallen.”
“Fallen? Is that how you see it?” There was a touch of empathy in her voice. “Your circumstances have changed, that’s all. Your house has less square footage, and from what I understand, there isn’t anylessmoney in the bank.”
Gillian’s face dropped as Viola continued.
“These are all superficial, materialistic things that don’t even begin to measure your worth or who you are.”
“My position as lady of the manor was not materialistic. Maybe it is you who underestimates the position you hold now.”
“It’s just a name, Gillian,” Viola said, her voice brimming with frustration.
“Like award-winning musician?” Gillian bit back.
“Yes, exactly like that. It’s a label people put on me, not something I put on myself. I’m Viola, and I can sing. You are Gillian, a generous and caring woman who can organise like no one else. That is your value, who you are and what you do. Not that you even show this to the world; you hide it, preferring to show a woman who’s hard and closed off. Doesn’t it take an enormous amount of effort to play this part? To be someone you aren’t?” Viola took a deep breath. “Let people see the real you, the one you have shown me these past months,” she urged gently.
“I’ve only lost focus the last few months. I need to get it back,” Gillian replied firmly.
“And I’m guessing that is my fault, this loss of focus?”
Gillian kicked at the gravel under her feet, feeling she was losing a grip on the conversation as well. “That’s not what I said.”
“You didn’t need to. I can read between the lines. I want you to be you, and I want to be with you. I can make you happy.” Viola paused, then ventured, “I believe I do make you happy.”
Gillian rubbed the side of her mouth, fearful that Viola would notice the tiny smile that rose in one corner of it. Viola did make her happy, but the lifestyle she was offering didn’t. They could stay friends; Viola could still be in her life and make her happy, regardless of a label that didn’t fully capture the complexity of their connection.
Viola reached out and touched Gillian’s leg. “When was the last time someone ravished you, Gillian? Properly, I mean. The last time you were touched by someone you wanted. Stripped and taken until you were breathless and shaking.”
Gillian’s breath hitched, her body tensing as the question cut through her like a knife. Its bluntness made her heart race andher skin prickle with a flush of heat as she struggled to maintain her composure. Her gaze dropped, her eyes focusing on a stone on the path as she grappled with the flood of emotions. The intensity of the question made her feel exposed, her mind caught between discomfort and a rush of forgotten yearning.
“Never then,” Viola said decidedly when Gillian failed to answer. “Why let other people’s view of you hold back your happiness? Do you really care what they think? Do their opinions matter so much to you that you are willing to push who you are aside?”
Gillian didn’t know how to reply. She cared what other people thought. She always had done.
Viola took a deep breath and continued. “Another thing your mum taught you: to live your life by other people’s rules. We live in a different world now, and it’s time you caught up to it. You’ve stuffed yourself away at Kingsford for an eternity, and it’s suffocated you.”
The problem was, part of her still felt like a child, deeply craving her mother’s approval. All those memories of things she’d said, cold remarks, put-downs, they were still resting on the surface of her skin and the edges of her soul.
“You let your guard down around me, and I don’t think you do that with anyone else… probably not even Bridget. I see the real you, Gillian. The one you’ve kept hidden, the one you still hide from everyone else except me.”
