Page 93 of Beyond Her Manner
Gillian’s heart pounded in her chest, her pulse resounding in her ears as she waited for Viola’s response.
“I didn’t think you noticed when I left,” Viola replied, her tone flat and emotionless.
Gillian turned to her. “I heard the helicopter leave. I didn’t know it was the last time until they came to collect your car.” A feeling of loss rose inside her again until she realised Viola was beside her. She had come. But how did she feel? That was her burning question. She looked at Viola, eyes searching for anyhope. “I knew the moment you left I would regret it, but I wasn’t ready. Plus, I knew I could never be with you whilst you owned Kingsford. People would think I was only after one thing. I didn’t want that. Then I got it back and hoped it would fill the void you left… and it didn’t. How could it?”
“Fair point.” Viola grinned.
“I realised I’d lost more than woodworm, stone, and mortar. I lost you. As much as I wanted Kingsford, I realised I wanted you in it more than I wanted it back for myself.”
Viola raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yes. You know, I don’t even live there anymore,” Gillian remarked, with a hint of amusement.
“What?”
“Turns out I prefer the lodge. I might have been able to afford to buy Kingsford, but it doesn’t run itself. Do you know how much I can charge for exclusive use for a weekend or a wedding? We have five bookings for the coming year. We have events, residential weekends, and retreats lined up.”
“We?” Viola probed.
“Yes, myself and Bridget. Finally, I can pay her for all the work she does.”
“Wow, things have changed.” Viola paused before continuing, her voice pensive. “I never expected anything from you either, you know. I just needed you to be living your best life. That’s all I wanted for you. I thought I could help with that. I can’t imagine how you’ve felt hiding yourself away for so long, and I get it. I do. I would probably still be hiding if I hadn’t been outed, though I assume it’s easier when you have someone by your side, holding your hand.”
“Will you be by my side… and hold my hand?” Gillian asked cautiously. Her heart raced as she immediately regretted posing the question, fearing the possibility of an unfavourable answer.Until she heard a definitive “no” there was always hope, however faint.
“Of course,” Viola answered with a smile. “Did you ever doubt it?”
“Yes. I thought I may have pushed you away too far.”
“I didn’t go far.”
“You went to the other side of the world!” Gillian exclaimed.
“In body, yes.” Viola chuckled. “In my mind and soul, I was here with you — sitting here, passing the time of day as we once did.”
It was everything Gillian wanted to hear until she realised Viola’s assurance was vague. Seeking clarification, she asked, “What does this mean, precisely?”
“It means I want to be with you, Gillian.” Viola’s chuckle turned to full-blown laughter. “I want to navigate this strange and sometimes cruel world with you. I want to sit on this bench with you and pass more time, though ideally not in the middle of the night in the freezing cold.”
Gillian felt Viola’s hand slip into hers. It was warm, sending a gentle surge of comfort through her, easing a lingering tension inside her as if thawing something within. The softness of her skin was soothing, and it filled Gillian with strength.
“That’s if you’re sure you’re ready,” Viola said, her brown eyes searching Gillian’s face. “Because these last months…” She paused, swallowing hard, as if the words themselves were too heavy to bear. “They haven’t been easy. They’ve been hell. I couldn’t just turn off my feelings for you. Believe me, I tried. I threw myself into work, thinking that if I could just keep moving, keep busy, maybe I’d find some kind of relief. But work didn’t help. It just reminded me of Mum. I thought about her, about how much I miss her, and then…” She let out a shaky breath. “Then I thought about you. About us. And it was like grieving allover again, only this time it was for something I thought I might still have but couldn’t touch.”
Viola’s voice cracked, her composure breaking under the weight of her confession. “I ached, Gillian. For you. Every single day, I ached. And I still do. I ache like part of me is missing, like I’m constantly reaching for something that isn’t there.”
She hesitated, and then her next words came out quieter, almost pleading. “I don’t want to feel like that anymore. But I need to know, before I let myself hope again — are you ready? Can you let me in this time?”
Gillian squeezed her hand, not having fully appreciated the turmoil Viola would feel. She’d underestimated the strength of her feelings, just as she had underestimated her own. She recognised what Viola said; she’d been feeling it, too, these past months.
“I ached for you too. I know I can’t fight myself any longer and that I can’t bear to be without you a moment longer,” Gillian answered, looking down as she added, “As for the rest, I’ll need some help to navigate it.”
“I’m here.” Viola squeezed back, her touch grounding yet gentle. “You don’t have to put on a brave face for me. I want to see the real you — the vulnerable, beautiful parts that you hide away from everyone else. You’ve shown me pieces of you, and now I want to see the rest.”
A newfound courage welled up inside Gillian. “I want that too. I want you to see all of me. No masks. No pretence. I want to see all of you too.”
“Sounds like we have a deal,” Viola said, shuffling closer until their legs touched.
“A deal?” Gillian raised an eyebrow, a hint of amusement in her voice. “Is that what we’re calling it?”
