Page 88 of No One's Bride
“It’s easier to visit Pall Mall first, milord.”
“It’s easier to drive the carriage myself, but I have no desire to see you out of work, Gibbs.”
Gibbs doffed his hat and grinned. “Right you are, milord. Broad Street, Grosvenor Street, then Pall Mall. Who says the life of a coachman is dull?”
Sebastian handed Ailsa into the vehicle. “Is it me, or is he less argumentative?”
The carriage lurched into motion.
“Mr Gibbs has a newfound respect for ye since ye punched those men in the alley.”
Sebastian laughed. “If I’d known fighting was the cure for insubordination, I’d have invited him to the White Boar.”
The comment reminded her of his need to punish the world for the loss of his brother. “Do ye fight as a way of dealing with grief?”
From his sharp intake of breath, he had not expected the personal question. The usually confident man faltered and struggled to speak.
“Can ye see that ye’re just prolonging the agony?”
A darkness passed over his features. “Fighting is a means of releasing aggression. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
“Ye dinnae think I get angry?”
“With all due respect, you’ve never lost someone close. You don’t wake at night in a cold sweat wishing you could trade places. You don’t stare at an empty tomb feeling like something is missing.”
No, she did not understand the true depth of loss, but she knew how one could punish themselves for something that wasn’t their fault.
“While ye fight, I hide,” she said, the wave of shame surfacing when she thought of the attack at her come-out ball. “Our way of dealing with emotions may differ, but we’ve both spent the last five years running.”
“Running? From what?”
“Ourselves.”
He frowned, though offered no challenge.
“And I do wake in the dead of night, wondering what I did to deserve a stranger’s disdain. Wishing I could go back in time and make different choices. I did lose someone close to me. I lost myself.”
After a tense silence, he reached across the carriage and held her hand. “I lost myself, too. The anger was all-consuming. It still is to an extent, yet I’m different when I’m with you. Calmer. More at peace.”
Her heart swelled. “I never thought I could trust a man besides my father, but I’ve always had faith in ye, Sebastian.”
“You can always trust me to be pedantic,” he said.
She smiled. “Aye, ye’ve never failed me on that score.” She paused, not wishing to dredge up the past but needing to reassure him. “Ye’re nae to blame for what happened to Michael. He’d want ye to be happy, nae beating men to a pulp.”
His gaze softened. “Thank you.”
“What for?”
“For forcing me to discuss a subject I usually avoid.”
“Talking makes kissing better. It doesnae have to be the lewd kind.”
“I rather like the lewd kind.”
She did, too, but discussing the past was just as important. “When we’ve checked on my servants, ye might dazzle me with yer suggestive repartee.”
He winked. “Why wait until then?”
