Page 48 of The Truth Serum
He laughed. “There has been little indulgence. That I can swear to.”
“Because you had no money?”
Because he was working in secret for the Crown. And the Crown didn’t pay very well.
“Because you weren’t there to keep me on the straight and narrow.”
He’d thought it was a romantic line. He’d thought that she would melt at those words. She would have ten years ago. Instead, she looked like she wanted to slap him.
“Don’t you dare,” she growled.
He reared back. “What?”
“Don’t make me into your salvation, you lazy ass. You’re a grown man! Either grow up or don’t, but don’t make me the reason for either of it.”
He held her gaze, saw the ferocity in her reaction, and felt ashamed. She was a woman restricted on all sides, and here he was, trying to tease her by suggesting he needed her as well. He did need her, but not to make him responsible. Not to make him a man.
He needed her because she knew him best of all. She remembered the boy he’d been, and she’d had a hand in shaping his moral core. That wasn’t a casual statement. They’d discussed all manner of philosophical things. Things like who was responsible for the poor who had no food? What was justified when a man was caught beating his child? Who owned a woman? Was it herself or her guardian?
These were practical questions for her. She worked much closer with the vicar than he ever had—helping with the sickand tending the poor. He’d avoided such things in favor of fixing fences and watering crops. But together, they’d discussed the politics of it. Because she liked thinking through systems. Systems in a house to make cooking more efficient. Systems in the parish to see that the right people got help. And systems in the country or the world.
But, of course, systems had to be based on fairness, and that was what they argued. What was a fair wage? Who got to decide? When was a woman a full adult? When was a man? They’d discussed that ad nauseum until he discovered he could kiss her into acquiescence.
And here he was pretending that those discussions meant nothing, that he hadn’t thought about them while walking through war-torn Spain, or that he’d never disobeyed orders when they were unnecessarily cruel. Fortunately, he’d gotten away with his actions. He was, after all, a secret part of the war effort. And Sir Benedict had a rebellious streak as well.
But all that virtue, such as it was, could be traced back to her and the things they’d discussed. Except he couldn’t tell her that, without explaining everything. So he was left staring at her as he searched for something to say.
He needed some way to tell her his true heart without any details. And that was an impossible task.
He sighed. “I’m not what you think.” It was the best he could manage.
“Then what are you?”
He didn’t know how to answer that. At least not until his gaze landed on the book she’d set on the windowsill. Just as he’d guessed, it was a raucous novel filled with silly situations and a moronic heroine. He’d read every word. As had every literate woman in London who had the time to spare.
That was his answer.
He looked up at her. “Does Fletcher allow you to go to the lending library alone?”
Her eyes widened. “Yes. I have to take my maid, of course, but she doesn’t care what I read.” Then she stiffened. “Are you going to say that’s not an appropriate book?”
“What? No!” Indeed, the idea that he would, was pretty funny.
“Meet me at the Minerva library tomorrow. Say, two o’clock?”
“That’s visiting hours. Fletcher will be angry if I’m not here to entertain guests. And it’s Mama’s favorite time of the day.” And when he frowned at her, she shrugged. “Mama likes me to see that everyone’s needs are attended during her salon.”
“You mean she treats you like a servant, waiting on everyone while she holds court.”
Far from being insulted, Becca gently chided him. “I am her daughter and the one looking for a husband. It is appropriate for me to be there.”
Present, but she shouldn’t have to wait on everyone. Still, he held his tongue on that regard. He knew better than to wade into complicated mother-daughter relationships. Besides, they were figuring out when he could see her again.
“When can you get to Minerva’s?”
“Thursday. Nine o’clock?”
He groaned. That was when he was supposed to be meeting Frid at the apothecary shop. “Why so early?” he asked.
