Page 138 of Dial L for Lawyer
"I do. You were going to suggest we take a break. That we step back until this blows over." He moves closer, his voice dropping. "You were going to sacrifice us to save me."
I look down at my hands, unable to deny it. "Your career, Caleb. Everything you've worked for?—"
"Means nothing without you." He takes my face in his hands, forcing me to meet his eyes. "Do you understand that? I don't care about any of it if I lose you."
"That's not rational," I whisper, even as my heart soars.
"Love isn't rational." His thumbs brush my cheeks, and I have to close my eyes against the tenderness there. I can't bear it—not when I'm the reason his career is imploding, not whenI'm the reason the thing he's worked his entire life for might disappear.
"You don't understand," I say, my voice barely audible. "This isn't just about your job. It's about your reputation. Your license. Everything you've built."
"I understand perfectly." His hands drop from my face, and I immediately miss their warmth. "I'm a big boy, Serena. I knew what I was doing when I made that deal with you."
"And if you had to do it over?" I ask, pushing him because I need to know. "Would you choose any differently?"
He gives a bitter laugh, throwing his arms wide in a helpless gesture. "Of course not, Serena. The only thing I'd change is letting you think for one second that I wouldn't burn down my own career for you. For us."
The words splinter me, so I shove my hands in my pockets and stare at the mail slot until the feeling passes. "You should tear up our contract. Fire me and say I manipulated you."
"Shut up," he says gently, already shaking his head.
"No, seriously. I can say you were just being professional, and I seduced you. I can say?—"
He laughs again, more desperate this time. "You are the worst liar I've ever met."
"So are you."
We both stand there, neither of us knowing how to fix what's broken.
He comes closer, takes my face in his hands and pulls me hard against him, crushing his mouth to mine. There's nothing romantic about it—it's the kind of desperate kiss that comes from two people drowning. His hands tangle in my hair and for a second I lose myself, because when I kiss Caleb nothing matters but the solid warm reality of him, the way he clings like he can hold the world together if he just squeezes hard enough.
When he finally breaks away, we're both gasping.
"Whatever happens," he says, his forehead against mine. "Whether I lose my license, my job, all of it—I need you to know that I would do it again. Every time."
"Don't say that," I whisper, but it's too late. He means it, and I love him for it, and I want to believe it could be enough, but logic and fear are still screaming in my head.
"Why?" His hands frame my face, thumbs stroking along my cheekbones. "Because you think I'm being noble? Because you think this is some grand gesture I'll regret?"
"Because—" My voice breaks. "Because what if you do regret it? What if in five years you're practicing family law in Peoria and you remember that you used to be somebody important before you met me?"
"Serena, I'm worth more money than I can spend in three lifetimes. I don't practice law because I have to—I do it because I love it. But you know what I love more?" He cups my face. "You. I love you more than the thrill of winning cases, more than my reputation, more than being 'somebody important.' I work because it gives my life meaning, but you—you ARE the meaning."
"Caleb."
"Serena." He says my name like a prayer. "Look around this apartment. What do you see?"
I glance at the boxes scattered everywhere, my life half-packed and in limbo. "A mess."
"I see a woman who was ready to rebuild her entire life. Who was brave enough to leave everything familiar behind." His voice drops lower, more intense. "You think I don't know what that costs? You think I don't know what it means that you were willing to do that for us?"
The tears I've been holding back finally spill over. "That's different."
"How?"
"Because my career was already over. I had nothing left to lose."
"Bullshit." The curse makes me flinch. "You had everything to lose. Your independence. Your control. Your ability to run when things got scary." He wipes a tear from my cheek. "And you were choosing to give it all up anyway."
