Page 212 of The Holy Grail
“That might not be the right word.” Malcom struggled for a moment. “It’sdisappointingto him that I can’t be as affectionate with him as he is with me, because it makes him feel not as valued. And my inability to be more affectionate is disappointing to me, too, but …”
“But what?”
He sighed. “Every time I hold his hand or kiss him, it feels like I’m shining a giant spotlight on the gay side of my sexuality, and I can’t help but shy away from that.”
“When you hold Jules’ hand or kiss her, do you feel like you’re shining a giant spotlight on the ‘straight’ side of your sexuality?”
He paused, because when she flipped the script, it made him realize the ridiculousness of it. “No. And I know where you’re going to go with this. You’re going to say this goes back to Monroe—”
“Of course it does. Most roads lead to him, when it comes to your issues.” She gave Malcom a long look, but not without compassion. “You were shaped by his intolerance toward homosexuality—and as a fledgling bisexual young man—it not only stifled you,but led to the development of an unhealthy, widespread paranoia as well. It’s why you feel like you’re shining a giant spotlight on yourself when you’re with Evan alone, because you’re subconsciously assuming the people around you will have the same intolerance of homosexuality as Monroe.
“So there needs to be a realignment in your thinking, because right now, it’s pretty wonky.”
“Wonky?”
“Yes, wonky. You need to quit seeing everyone as a potential Monroe.”
“Okay, I understand what you’re saying, and it does make sense. Logically, I know not everyone is homophobic, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t out there.”
“Of course they’re out there. And you likely will come in contact with them because there will always be people who don’t approve of your lifestyle, but you shouldn’t be looking for them in every person you see. But, say you’re out with Jules and someone does look at you sideways because they think you shouldn’t be with her for whatever reason—”
“Like I’m too old for her?”
“I don’t know why anyone would think that, but I guess it’s possible. However the reason itself doesn’t matter, because your response will be the same, no matter what, okay?”
“Okay.”
“So, you’re out with Jules and someone looks at you sideways because they think you shouldn’t be with her … so what do you do?”
“I … ignore it.”
“That’s right. Because a random stranger’s opinion doesnotmatter. You ignore it and live your life. Now, what happens if you’re out with Evan and some random stranger looks at you sideways for whatever reason?”
“I … ignore it.”
“That’s right. Because a random stranger’s opinion doesnotmatter. You ignore it and live your life.”
“Okay.”
“Now, I know experiencing something in real life is different than discussing it in my office, so, if you do find yourself experiencing someone legitimately giving you the stink eye, stay grounded in the moment. Tell yourself to ignore them, because … why?”
“Their opinion doesn’t matter.”
“That’s right. People on the street have no power over you, so don’t let them have it. Don’t give them that power. It will take some work, but you can get there.”
“What if someone actually gives me shit when I’m with Evan? Because let’s face it, I’m not concerned about someone giving me shit when I’m with Jules.”
“That’s actually something we should address with Evan, because he likely has had experience with this. Which means I’d like you to bring Evan to your next session.”
Malcom cocked his head. “Really?”
“Really.”
“Okay.”
Lauren glanced at the wall clock, and even though there were ten minutes left in the session, it felt like a natural stopping point. As she walked with him to the door and went to open it, he stopped her by asking, “Will I ever get over all this?”
“You mean the trauma from your dad?”
