Page 58 of The Holy Grail
“Finding a girlfriend as soon as I could. That was the big thing. Unfortunately, I really was an introvert, and chatting up a pretty girl I had an actual crush on was almost impossible, so I started looking at girls who were, um …”
“Not as pretty?”
“That makes me sound like such an asshole, but yes. I found I could talk to girls who were more ‘girl next door’ than ‘prom queen’.”
“So did that … work out for you?”
“It worked out well enough. I dated a girl named Leah all through high school, went to dances, lost my virginity with her—”
“How was that?”
“It was fine. Good. I cared for her a lot, but if I had loved her, I think it would have been better. More meaningful.”
“Was your mom aware of what happened that morning with your father?” Jules asked, circling back, really hoping his answer wasn’t going to make her start disliking Beverly, too, because that would suck.
“When she found out I’d changed my shirt, she asked me why. I told her what my dad had said about it being too feminine, and what he’d said about wondering if I was gay. I asked her ifshethought I might be gay, and she said even if Iwasgay, it wouldn’t make any difference to her because she loved me the way I was,howeverthat was.”
“Good answer, Beverly,” Jules murmured. “Ireallylike your mom.”
“Anyway, I got rid of the shirt, and my dad never mentioned my being gay again, but the damage had been done, and that conversation stayed with me for a long time.”
She squeezed his hand, knowing the conversation was still with him today. “I’m sorry your dad was an asshole and made you feel like there might be something wrong with you, because there wasn’t. Thereisn’t.Masculinity, like everything else, comes in different versions, and unfortunately your dad wasn’t comfortable withyourversion of masculinity, which is a poor reflection of himself, to be honest. And I’m sure he’s blind to the bad optics of that.”
Malcom really did like the way she thought, but before he could comment, she was speaking again, this time slowly and with reflection.
“I actually have a bisexual friend who went through something similar, and his father wasn’t very tolerant of that lifestyle, to say the least. He thought his son was a deviant, because he was having sex with womenandmen—” she broke off at his slightly confused expression. “What?”
“I was just thinking that doesn’t seem very similar at all.”
“The similarity is in how my friend was made to feel like there was something wrong with him, and how his masculinity came into question, which is where my story was headed,” she gently admonished him.
“Oh, I see.”
She sighed. “Also, both of your fathers were wrong, because you’re one of the most masculine men I know, and so is my friend. Not to mention you’re both really hot.”
“You think he’s hot?”
“I do.”
His head tilted to the side. “How hot?”
“Hothot.”
“Even though he’s bisexual?”
“Yes. That doesn’t make him any less hot to me.”
Malcom blinked at that and then prodded, “Is he hotter than me?”
“You two are equally hot.”
“Have you ever thought about dating him? You know, since he’s so hot and all?”
She paused, a little amused at his dry tone. “Yes, I have, but … he was off limits. Well, I thought he was, anyway.”
“What do you mean he was ‘offlimits’?”
“He’s best friends with David—Paige’s husband—and I didn’t want to start anything that might negatively impact our group dynamic if it didn’t work out, which I just assumed it wouldn’t, because of my track record.”
