Page 75 of Secret Baby Daddies
“Just tell me.”
“Your mom was sick, Harley. We had no clue and then I woke up one morning and she was gone. She didn’t come home that night and I went into a full panic. I reported her missing and was out passing out fliers to find her. Two days later she showed back up and acted like nothing had happened. She didn’t know what I was talking about, thought I was just teasing her.” He aged a decade as he spoke, his entire body shrinking right before my eyes. “I should’ve done something then. I should’ve taken her to a doctor. I didn’t want anything to be wrong, though. I loved your mother, Harley. God, did I love her. I regret more than anything that I didn’t force her to get help after that first time.”
“Rebeccah said that wasn’t true. She said there was nothing wrong with Mom.”
“Yeah, well, Rebeccah is a lying bitch.” There was venom in his voice as he said it, but also truth. “Hannah would be finefor months at a time. We had you and she was amazing for over a year. It was the best year of my life but I was still nervous. Each time she had one of her episodes, she’d be gone for longer or, if she stayed close, she’d become more and more violent. In the bad times she’d accuse me of being someone else, a stranger who’d taken her husband’s place. She thought I was there to hurt her, to hurt you.
“I would’ve gone on like that for the rest of our lives. I was so in love with Hannah that I would’ve kept her there and let you grow up watching her illness progress. I selfishly loved her so much that I couldn’t care about anyone else.” He stilled and looked out across the ranch. “It changed one night during a particularly bad meltdown. You have to understand that your mom never would’ve hurt you if she’d been in her right mind. She was obsessed with you, Harley. Healthy Hannah was the best mother I’d ever known. It was that other side of her I couldn’t trust. I hadn’t realized just how much I couldn’t trust her, though.”
CHAPTER 51
Harley
A shudder wracked my body.
“What happened?”
“She woke up in one of her delusions and it wasn’t just me who’d been replaced by a stranger. She looked at you and swore that you weren’t her child. Someone had stolen her child and replaced it with something else, something bad. I was at work but the housekeeper called me and said something was wrong.” Dad took a deep shuddering breath and wiped surprising tears from his face. “I almost lost you. I almost didn’t get there in time to stop her. One fucking red light that day and we wouldn’t be sitting here, Harley.
“I had to kick the bathroom door open and I found her holding you under the water. The tub was running over, it was so full, and the look on her face was…it wasn’t my Hannah. She fought me when I grabbed you and started CPR. She hit, scratched, kicked, and everything else she could do to stop me. The whole time she was screaming about demons with these bulging eyes. I don’t know what I would’ve done if the housekeeper hadn’t called 911. I don’t like to admit it but I think there’s a chance I would’ve hidden it to keep her safe and there with me.”
I had to stand up, the feeling of ants crawling all over my body only shadowed by the clawing pain in my throat as I sucked in gulps of air. Even as I fought the idea he was telling the truth, a deep sinking feeling settled over me, heavy and dark. He wasn’t painting himself in the best light as far as his merits as a father. I’d have to process his actions later, when I could breathe normally again, when I could blink without seeing a horror movie version of my mother standing over me.
“The cops got involved. They brought in child protective services and it was made very clear to me that if I didn’t do something to keep you safe, I’d lose you. Either to the state or atyour mothers’ hands.” He sniffed as he talked, his tears flowing freer and ignored. “I thought I’d be able to build two separate lives. You’d stay at home and I’d take care of you with the help of a few nannies. I moved your mom into an apartment downtown and I told myself I could balance it, being a father and a husband in these strange new ways.
“I fought day and night to save Hannah. It didn’t take long for her to start self-medicating. The more she used the more she stayed sick. I took off work, I hovered over her, I abandoned everything else. I loved her so goddamn much that I couldn’t see how bad everything was. She was addicted to drugs. I was addicted to her. And you were being raised by nannies. Overdoses became a norm. I convinced myself things hadn’t gotten that bad until she lost you. So, I brought her home.”
“Jesus, Dad.” I dug my knuckles into my eyes and let out a broken laugh. “Is this supposed to make me feel better about you?”
“No. It’s just the ugly truth. Rebeccah created her own monster version of me but the truth isn’t all that much better. It’s just…I never gave up on Hannah until I fucking had to. I gave up everything for your mom. I loved her. I still love her, Harley. Hearing you say that I hurt her, that Ikilledher, hurt. Rebeccah was there to see the bitter end. She was one of your nannies. She saw how much I fought for your mom and how much I grieved for her.”
I blanched.
“She was one of my nannies?”
“Nothing happened like that, Harley. I didn’t touch her for two years after your mom died.” He reached up and tugged at his hair. “I never saw her for who she really was, clearly. I failed you time after time. Every step of the way I chose wrong, put you last, and then pushed you away. The truth is, Idon’tdeserve a relationship with you.”
“What happened after she came back home?”
“Everything got worse. So bad that you were removed from our home.” He met my shocked stare and his pain was etched deeply in the lines of his face. “I’m sorry, Harley. I fucked up so horribly.”
My voice shook as I asked the question I didn’t really want the answer to. “H-how long?”
He looked away and cleared his throat. “Too long.”
“How long?”
“Six months. I left you there for six months. And in that six months I did everything I could to save Hannah. I finally brought in professionals and they told me she couldn’t be helped at home with me. I was toxic for her. I enabled her addictions and let her get away with all the horrible things she did. They committed her. I was ordered to go to therapy if I ever hoped to have either of you back.
“This therapist looked at me and called me an asshole for abandoning you. He called me one of the worst fathers he’d ever seen. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to say any of that shit but maybe he knew I wouldn’t have responded to something softer.” Dad wouldn’t look at me anymore. “I tried one more time. I got to take you for the day and I fucking took you right to her. We were supervised. It should’ve been okay. I looked away, though, and when I looked back she had her hand over your mouth and nose. She just quietly begged me to let her do it so we could be good again. She was so calm as she pled for me to let her fucking kill you. That was it for me. There was no trace of my Hannah left.”
I lurched forward and threw up everything in my stomach. I wretched until only bile remained and still, that taste did nothing to distract from the bitter pain consuming me.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Harley.” He thankfully didn’t move to comfort me. It was the last thing I wanted right then. “I filedfor divorce. I still paid for her care but I knew I couldn’t just watch her kill you. Hannah was released from that facility with a bottle of pills and a clear head but it wasn’t a week before she started showing up at the house, fighting to get inside. When she did show up for the hearings she’d be so incoherent or high that she’d rage at everyone and get carried out. The transcripts are ugly snapshots of how sick she’d gotten. I don’t think you should read them but I recognize that you’re an adult and can make your own choices.”
I sank back in the dirt and wiped my mouth with the back of my arm.
“Not now. I- I can’t.”
