Page 53 of Bazooka
·Two pastel blue tablecloths with matching napkins
·A vintage crystal vase that I instantly fell in love with
·A bucket of yellow paint, brushes, painter’s tape, and other useful thingies
·A plush, shaggy white rug forthe room
·The most adorable, dainty floral curtains for the kitchen window
·A few pieces of clothing for yours truly
·A marble statue of a naked god with a huge phallus (Pan, probably)
·Two packs of raspberry-scented candles (for a romantic dinner)
·A heart-shaped butt plug (for after a romantic dinner).
Then I got a text.
Bazooka (my future boyfriend):Are you behaving, pest?
Me:Aww. Youmiss me.
Bazooka (my future boyfriend):Just checking to see if my flat is still in place.
Me:Would you like to know what I’m wearing?
Bazooka (my future boyfriend):Luz!
Me:Nekkid.
Me:Does that make you hard?
Me:OMG. We’re officially sexting.
Bazooka (my future boyfriend):I will block you.
I let out a heavy sigh and stopped myself from texting him back. Instead, I placed a crystal vase on top of the table, wondering if there was a flower shop nearby. I hid the butt plug under the bed next to the lube and condoms. After that, I took a selfie of myself and the statue of a naked god with a huge phallus and sent it to Bazooka. I didn’t receive a reply until half an hour later.
Bazooka (my boyfriend):My landlord called me to say that the pipes stopped leaking in the neighbor’s apartment. Why did he tell me to say hello to my boyfriend?
Me:(insert eye roll) I told him that our relationship is platonic, but he didn’t buy it. I think he felt our cosmic sexual chemistry. I met him briefly, but he seems like a nice guy. I’ll tell you all about it later. I can’t talk right now. Busy.
Bazooka (My boyfriend): I will kill you, Luz. I swear to God!
Aww, he was so cute. And he would never kill me. I was almost sure of it.
I headed to the kitchen to prepare another surprise for Bazooka, which took me an hour to finish. After I put it in the oven, I decided it was time to dazzle our neighbors with the curtains I’d bought. The curtain rod was already installed, so I just had to slide the curtains onto it andvoilà. Already, the apartment looked so much nicer.
I was admiring my handiwork when I heard the front door open.
“Honey, I’m home,” I yelled over my shoulder with a wide smile.
“Hey,” Bazooka said, coming inside. “I brought us some food and… what THE FUCK is that?”
I swiftly turned, surprised.
“Oh, this?” I said, looking at the blouse I put on. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Pure Korean silk. Expensive as fuck, so I splurged a fortune, but whatever. It arrived today, and I couldn’t resist—”
