Page 33 of The Consequence of You
“Wait.” Nico grasps my elbow again. “You can’t go, I only just got here.”.
“I thought I could do this. But I can’t.” I tug my arm away.
“It doesn’t need to be like this. Let’s have a drink and catch up properly.”
“I can’t do small talk, Nico.” He frowns at my abruptness, but I need to get out what I came here to say. “The reason I asked you to meet me was so I can tell you how sorry I am. I should have done this a long time ago. God knows you tried to keep in touch, but I couldn’t see you. It was too hard.” Smoothingdown my skirt, I try to disguise the tremble in my hands.
“You’re here now. We don’t have to rush this conversation. Why don’t we just take a minute?”
But I don’t want to, so I shake my head.
“The truth is, I will always associateuswith what happened. I think about us, and all I see is blood on my hands. It’s not your fault, so please don’t think that’s what I’m saying.”
“Callie, I have thought long and hard about what I’d say if you ever agreed to see me. For a long time, I felt guilty for my part in it. But I had counselling, several years of it. And I know it’s not my fault.”
I step back, surprised at his words. I felt sure he believed I blamed him because of the way I cut him off. But then he continues, his voice soft and gentle, as though he’s trying not to startle a timid animal.
“It was neither of our faults. We were young teenagers. We had no idea what would happen. No one could have predicted it. You know that, right? You know it was just an awful accident that could have happened to anyone?”
My determination to remain calm is gone in an instant because he doesn’t understand.
He won’teverunderstand.
“Justan accident? It wasn’tjustanything.”
His face drops instantly,
“Fuck, I didn’t mean that. I meant-”
I cut him off before he can carry on.
“It didn’t happen to anyone - it happened to her. The person I loved most in the world, and it happened because of me. I don’t blame you, Nico. I want you to know that. But I blame myself, because it wasmyfault. It wasmyactions.Mylies.”
Nico steps forward and gently clasps my trembling hand in his. His once familiar touch is alien to me. He means to comfort me, but instead I just feel colder. And when I look at him, all I see in his eyes is pity.
“It wasn’t your fault either, Callie.”
I could argue with him, but maybe I need to let him believe it because it allows him to sleep at night. I let out a long breath. For the first time since he got here, I truly take him in.
He’s no longer the good-looking teenager I fell for. He’s handsome, but he’s a stranger. A grown man who, I have no doubt, has women falling over themselves to be with him. What we shared back then was fun and addictive in a way only teenage lust can be. At the time, I couldn’t imagine feeling any other way about him but seeing him today confirms any lingering feelings between us are gone.
That’s when it hits me. All this time, I’d been worried if we met up, I’d take one look at him and want him back. I thought seeing him would remind me how much I loved him.
But that isn’t the case at all.
Looking at him now, I realise it wasn’t really love at all, it was just a childish crush.
And the fact it cost me everything?
That hurts even more.
CALLIE-AGE 15
Nico peppered soft kisses across the back of my hand and up my arm until he reached my shoulders. I erupted into a fit of giggles as his wavy chestnut brown hair tickled my bare skin. I swore hegot better looking by the day, and since our relationship became more physical, neither of us could keep our hands off each other.
We collapsed backwards on his bed. He grabbed his phone and held it above us, snapping selfies as we pulled funny faces. He flicked through the photos of us together; we looked good, like any other normal teenagers having fun.
But it wasn’t that simple for us. We both knew we shouldn’t be doing this. What if our parents found out?
