Page 49 of Infatuated as They Come
“You’re not doing it full time.”
Leaning back against the chair, Sawyer’s shoulders tensed up that tiny bit. “I already told you: that’s not an option for me.”
“Well, I can make it an option for you, but you won’t let me.”
“Because I don’t need you to make it an option for me, Holly,” he said, and there was frustration in his voice that hadn’t been there a second ago as he picked up his fork again. He moved his other hand from my thigh, pushing it through his thick locks, and I instantly missed his touch on me. “Don’t you understand that? I’m okay with how things are. Going to work, painting when I have the chance? I’m fine with that. I need you to be fine with it too. I know you have good intentions. I get where you’re coming from, but it feels like you don’t get whereI’mcoming from.”
“I do. You think I’m some spoiled rich girl who doesn’t know what it means to struggle, but if I can take awayyourstruggles, then shouldn’t I do that? Shouldn’t you let me?”
A sharp sigh left him as he dropped his fork to the plate, his hands scraping over his face. “Holly, has anyone ever told you that you have your head in the clouds?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ve never had to worry about money, about work, about… life. About waking up the next day and wondering if you’ve got enough cash to make sure the lights don’t go out.”
“I know that.” I pressed a hand to my chest. “I know how privileged I am.”
“Do you?”
The words caught me off guard, my lips parting as I searched for the right thing to say. And all I could manage was a mumbled, “Yes, of course.”
“Then why don’t you get that things don’t always work out for everyone? You’ve got a safety net. You’ve got amillionsafety nets. I don’t have anything.”
“You don’t need to worry about that.”
“You’re not listening. Holly, I like working. I told you. I like the people there and I like fixing stuff and I like painting when I have the time. That’s how it is for most people. Most people can’t drop everything and paint all day without worrying about money. That’s what…” He gestured a hand my way. “People like you do. They pick it up as a hobby, paint one thing, get bored and move on to the next expensive hobby they have. I can’t do that. I can’t put all of my effort into just painting, because it might not work out. If it doesn’t work out, then what?”
“Then… I don’t know…” I was suddenly fumbling with my words. “No, it’ll work out.”
“Exactly, see. You could start painting tomorrow. You could make no money, move on, and it still wouldn’t matter. You’d still have a shit ton of money left to rely on. Holly, you could drop out of college right now and you’d be fine. It’s not the same for me. You need to get that. I can’t just quit my job and…follow my dreams. It doesn’t work that way in the real world. I’ll paint when I can. When I have time, on the weekends and stuff. That’s okay with me. That’s how I did it before. That’s how life works for everyone else.”
My hands landed on one of the napkins on the table, fidgeting with the linen. “Well, what’s gonna happen then? You’re just gonna work until I finish college?”
“That’s what everyone else does. You think everyone’s got some handy trust fund they can rely on?”
“No.” I let out an annoyed breath. “You think I don’t get it, but I do. You’re out all day slaving away—”
“Slaving away? Holly, it’s ajob. I know you’ve never had one before but it’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s hard work, but I’m used to it. We can’t all get cushy jobs where we sit down all day.”
“I’m just saying that it’s not fair that I have all this money and then you’re… You’re…”
“Poor?” he offered.
My eyes closed at the word. “No.”
“You can say it. I know what I am. And that means I can’t take big risks. It’s not that easy. I can’t drop everything and just stop working because you don’t like me having a job.”
“I don’t care if you have a job. I care about all the sacrifices you’re making and that you’re making so many.”
“They’re not sacrifices. This is just what the real world is. You’ve never seen it before because you’ve never had to live it. I need you to understand.”
“Idounderstand.”
“I don’t think you do.”
I said nothing to that. We ate in an awkward, uncomfortable, stupid silence and then Sawyer did the dishes before I even had the chance to touch them. He disappeared into the bathroom a little while later, the sound of the shower soft in the air as I forced myself to finish up my school stuff.
Sawyer stayed quiet when he came back out, his hair wet and his eyes avoiding mine. We were both too stubborn to break the silence. That had been one of the biggest reasons we never got along in the past. We were both too bullheaded when it came to each other.
