Page 74 of Infatuated as They Come
“I know you don’t mean to,” I said.
“When I leave the apartment, I don’t think about anything else but coming home to you. You’re the only thing getting me through the day. And I guess lately we haven’t been seeing much of each other on the weekends since I started up at the studio.”
“I’d never ask you to give up your art.” I pressed a hand to my chest. “I would never, ever, ever do that. I’m not talking about not seeing you on those days. I’m so glad you’re doing something for yourself. And I know why you want to keep your job. You want to make your own money and I can’t stop you from doing that. But…” I pulled in a long breath. “I don’t know, maybe I’m being dumb and selfish, but… I’m still allowed to miss you, right?”
“I’m doing this all for you. All of it.” He looked away from me for a second. “I can’t just… Holly, you don’t get it.”
“Help me understand, because lately I feel like I saw more of you back in school. At least when we were fighting we were still interacting,” I said with a sad little laugh.
I heard him murmur out my name and then the next thing I knew, he was sliding into my side of the booth, his arm wrapped around me. It took me just a second to rest my head on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you,” he said. “I know this isn’t what you imagined when you asked me to move here with you. But… I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. I want to see you every minute of the day. I wish I could. Fuck, I’d sneak into your classes at college just to have more time with you.”
I smiled. “That’s a bit much.”
“Maybe I’d learn a thing or two.” He brushed some hair out of my eyes. “If not, that’s okay too, ‘cause at least I’d be with you. And I love being with you so, so much. God, look at you. Look how beautiful you look. You always look beautiful. I miss seeing you. I miss looking at you…”
“I just want… I just want to be able to spend more time together, you know? Sometimes I feel like I live on my own. I’d never ask you to give up your art. You’re focusing on something you love and I’m so happy for you, Sawyer. I guess I just thought that we’d be seeing more of each other when we moved to New York.”
He kept stroking at my hair, the movement so soft and calming. “I’m making you feel lonely, aren’t I?”
I nodded weakly. “A tiny bit.”
“I don’t wanna be that kind of boyfriend. You deserve better than that. I’m just…” He took in a ragged breath. “Look, guys like me don’t ever get girls like you. We don’t get to… have things. Good things. And you’re the best thing I’ve ever had, and I guess I still don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do with a girl like you. I can’t give you everything, but I can still look after you the only way I know how to, and that’s what I’m tryna do. But maybe I’ve been going about that the wrong way…”
“I already know you can look after me. Iknow, okay? I know. You don’t have to prove anything to anybody.”
“I just…” He kept his eyes ahead of him as he spoke, like he was bracing himself, like it pained him to get the words out. “I don’t ever want to come home one day and find you gone.”
“You won’t.”
“You never know.”
“Why would you think I’d ever do that?”
“That’s happened to me before,” he mumbled.
I sat up at that, eyes meeting his, and I could see a hint of pain behind his. Just a hint, like he was trying to mask it and keep it at bay, but I could see it. “What are you talking about?”
“I mean…” He rubbed his hands over his face for a moment. “My mom.”
Something painful and heavy suddenly weighed there in my chest and Iknew it must have felt a million times worse for him. God, I should have known. “Sawyer,” I said. “I’m not going anywhere. That’s never going to happen with me.”
“There were a lot of things I could have done differently, you know? Things that would have made her stay.”
“You were a kid.”
“It’s just… I’m still holding on to that. You come home from school one day and expect your mom to be there and then you literally never see her again.” He laughed dryly. “It kinda messes with your head a little. I mean, you can’t even leave a note?”
And I knew that his mom had left, but I didn’t know the details. I didn’t knowthat. Sawyer wasn’t an open book and it took time to learn about him and his past. I drew in a shaky breath at the visual, not quite able to process how scarring it must have been to come home one day expecting warm hugs and soft kisses only to never experience that ever again.
“That’s what happened?” I finally asked, voice hushed.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” he said, and it sounded like he was rushing the words out. “I already ruined the night by showing up late and now I’m sitting here talking to you like you’re my therapist. Let’s just eat, okay? Get whatever you want.”
My hands found one of his, squeezing him tight, as tight as I could. Sawyer had been through far too much. All of his anger, his roughness, his abrasiveness—it all made sense. “I don’t even know how hard that must have been for you, but you are seriously the strongest person I know, because I don’t know anyone who could deal with what you have. You’re so brave and I wish I could be more like you. But you’ll never come home to an empty house. I’ll always be there. I promise.”
Sawyer pulled me to his chest, his arms strong as they circled around me. “It scares me how much I love you,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “I just wanna give you everything I can, and I know that’s not much, but I’m trying. I know my dad and your dad both think it’s not enough, but I’m not really sure what else I’m supposed to be doing, and… there’s no future with a poor man, Holly.”
