Page 38 of Thick as Thieves
I nod, not saying anything.
“I’ll come back when they’ve finished,” she says, staring at me.
I nod again and sit back. I look at the boys' heads, and their hands touching my skin. Sorley especially likes to touch me all the time he is feeding, his little hands seeking comfort.
I bend my head to kiss theirs. What about these two? And my other older boys? What will they think? What will they have to endure because two men love me and I them? It shouldn’t matter. Shouldn’t be anyone’s business, but it will be. They’re high-profile men, in different ways, both of them. All of them.
“What have you done?” I whisper out.
Betty comes back an hour or so later with an invite. She thrusts the paper at me like it’s contaminated goods and she might catch something toxic from it. Even though no one has clued her into what the party tonight might involve, the look on her face is purely judgemental. “The party planner gave me this for you.” She hands over a piece of parchment with a number ten on it. I nod again. “Are you alright?” she asks, checking my eyes for signs of life. Genuine concern finally cracks through her normally indifferent façade. ”You don’t look good at all.” She reaches her hands out to me. “I’ll take the boys. I’ve got the milk for tomorrow so we won’t see you again until the afternoon feed.” I nod again and she takes the boys and puts them in the pushchair. They’re staying on the other side of the house, away from the mayhem.
I just carry on sitting there, and am still sitting there way past the time the party should have started, when Tarron walks in.
“Not going to the party, Evie?”
I look up. I have no idea what time it is. A glance at the clock tells me it’s 11:35 p.m. I’ve been sitting here for hours, and no one has come. I shake my head at him but say nothing.
Then suddenly, I aggressively spit out, “Can you find Tommy for me?” I don’t even add a please.
“Why? Are you leaving them?” He asks me as if he’s asking if I want a drink. As if what he’s implying is totally run of the mill.
I look at him sharply. “So what if I am?” I feel mutinous. Angry.
He sighs and sits down on the bed next to me. “It’s my fault you know.” I look at him in disbelief. “The fact he asked you, I told him in a roundabout way to do it. I’ve been telling him since November. I saw how he looked at you, always did. But he’s struggling and I wanted it to end, one way or another.” He drops his head. His hands clasped in his lap.
“Struggling how? He seemed fine on tour,” I say to him.
“Really? Come now, Evie, you know that’s not true. Can you imagine what it feels like to see the woman and man you love, are in love with, love each other and not you?”
“I do love him.” I frown at Tarron. How can he say that?
“Really? Then why are you leaving him, them?”
He sits, looking at me, waiting for my answer. And I can’t give him one.
“Do you love him as a brother? A friend? If yes, then I agree with you. Leave. I’d rather you break his heart now. At least he was brave enough to ask. To tell you what he wants, how he’s wanted it for so long. I’m really proud of him. Xander may be the only one of you who’s been honest. Marcus hasn't; he's always afraid you’ll leave him again. You seem afraid of what people may think. Only my Xander is unafraid. Or, even if he is, he’s prepared to put it on the line to be happy. I’m so proud of him.” His blue eyes spark out at me. Arrogance oozing from him. Proud of his son.
I sit and stare at him, not sure what to say, but listening intently to his words, absorbing them. Am I afraid of what people think? Is that my only real concern? And he still goes on. “I told him a tale about myself. How I was afraid to go for what I wanted. And how to this day I still regret it. Oh it may not have worked out. And to be honest, if the woman was not prepared to give me any idea she was willing to be brave with me, maybe my regrets all these years have been wasted.
“But Evie, you don’t seem to be in that boat. I’ve seen you with my son, how you care for him, love him. And it’s beyond normal friendship. He told me about when you were young in the graveyard, what you said, what you did.” He pauses as he lets that sink in. Letting me know the length of time we are talking about. “I knew then he loved you, regardless of Russell.”
He touches my face and wipes away the tears I did not know were falling again. “Be brave for them, my daughter. I think you are probably the bravest and the most fearless amongst them. You would make the hard decisions. But see, this one, it isn’t that hard. Not really. Not from where you are now. Maybe at eighteen years old it would have been. But not at thirty seven.”
I nod at him. Trying to get my brain to focus, and my mouth to coordinate.
“Where are they?” I ask, quietly but firmly. My brain is starting to function, and my mind is starting to clear.
“I believe they are still in that tent, room ten. If you love them like you say you do, then the decision is very easy. Shut out the noise and focus on them.”
I lean forwards before he can go and kiss him on the cheek. “Thank you, Tarron.” I rake my eyes over his kind face, so like Xan’s in many ways.
The smile he returns is beautifully genuine. “Whatever you decide, I will always love you. You and all of your boys are welcome here anytime.”
He gets up to go. And I need to make a decision.
I swingfrom yes to no to don’t know and back again. I’ve no one to speak to, nobody to trust with this dilemma. Maybe Jonno? I hem and haw and finally dial him.
“What?” He’s always the same. Normally it’s ”Why?”
