Page 34 of A Brooding Christmas Promise
She shook her head, a single tear splashing onto her cheek. “Can you really mean those words? I confess that it has not come to an end for me as yet.”
Something tight twisted itself into Samuel’s stomach and he looked away, relieved that he did not feel any interest in pulling closer to her. “Yes, there is nothing more for us to say to each other in that regard,” he said, as firmly as he could. “If you feel the need to unburden yourself then please, do so, but do not feel as though it is required. I am not desperately waiting for that to take place, I can assure you!”
“No?”
Her hand touched his and Samuel’s head whipped around, seeing her a little closer to him now. Quickly, he pulled his hand away and then rose to his feet, an uncomfortable prickling running over his skin. Whatever was it that she was trying to do? “No.”
Lady Grifford let out a long, lamenting sigh which, he presumed, might be an attempt to garner sympathy from him. “I find it hard to believe that you are so willing and so ready to forgive me after all the pain and sorrow and shame I caused you.”
“And yet, that is the truth.”
She too got to her feet, standing to face him directly though she did not come any closer to him, much to his relief. “I should never have left your side,” she said, with a steadiness now in her voice which surprised Samuel a good deal. “I realise now that I was not in love with Lord Grifford, as I thought, but rather was somewhat infatuated with him. I did not listen to advice, I did not think of him as I ought to have done and instead, allowed myself to become caught up in all that he offered me. I should have compared the two of you to each other, for then I would have realised just how much I had in being your betrothed. Imight not have given it all up for some foolishness which almost led to ruin.”
“I see.” Samuel was not certain what else there was to say. To his mind, Lady Grifford was merely expressing her own regret, though it was combined with an apology to him also which he did appreciate, though he still felt it unnecessary. “I do hope you have unburdened yourself now, Lady Grifford. I should take my leave.”
“I know that your betrothal is not one of love.”
Samuel stopped dead, his eyes widening at the edges as he turned his head to look back at the lady. “I beg your pardon?”
Lady Grifford lifted her chin just a little, though her fingers twisted together in front of her. “I know that you do not really care for Miss Millerton, that you do not love her.”
“And how could you know such a thing?”
The lady spread out her hands. “It was not deliberate, I assure you, but I heard you speak with Lord Trenton as you waited to play cards at Lord Howden’s soiree. I was also in attendance but managed to keep myself hidden among the crowd of people. It was only in passing but I heard you say clearly that you had already determined not to permit affection back into your heart again. I cannot tell you how sorry I am for that for I can see that it is my doing.”
His whole frame felt stiff and tight with both tension and slow growing anger; anger that she had not only overheard him but now thought it suitable to bring up in conversation. Did she not realize that they were now entirely separate? That there was nothing between them any longer? “Lady Grifford, I must make it clear to you that my affairs are solely that – mine.”
“Oh, I am well aware of that and I must beg your forgiveness in speaking as I have done, but I must hope that in time, you will permit your heart to open again.”
It took Samuel a few moments to gather himself, his anger still hot as he gazed into the face of the lady he had once loved. “My heart and my affections are entirely my own business. Whatever you may have overheard, there is no need for you to consider them. I am engaged to marry Miss Millerton, and that I shall do.” The confidence and determination in his voice made his own heart believe it, albeit just for a few seconds, and it leaped up fiercely. Taking in a slow breath, Samuel turned away from Lady Grifford, suddenly desperate to leave her company. “Do excuse me.”
“One thing more I must ask.”
It took all of Samuel’s inner strength not to turn about and inform her that he had neither the time nor the desire to listen to her any longer. Instead, he remained where he was in silence rather than speaking, no longer willing to turn back to look at her.
“If it is that there is a small, abiding affection for me still – something I know I do not deserve and haveneverdeserved – then might I beg of you to be bold enough to share it with me?”
Samuel’s head swung around sharply, astonishment chasing away his anger but Lady Grifford was not finished.
“Mayhap it is that we were always meant to find happiness together,” she continued, reaching out one hand to him only to let it fall back to her side again. “I was the one who did not see it, I was the one who pushed you away. But now, mayhap, we are being given another chance to find our way back together again.”
“No.” His voice rasped so greatly and was so filled with emotion, Samuel did not know if the lady had understood him. Swiping the air with his hand, he made to step towards her, determined to make himself clear, only for there to come a knock at the door. To his surprise, Lady Grifford called for the butler to enter rather than permitting them to finish their conversation – and he found himself all the more surprised when she badeher new callers to enter! A little taken aback and feeling himself unsettled, Samuel made his way to the door directly, refusing to give Lady Grifford any kind of farewell in the hope that he might slip out without being noticed, only for Lady Ryndale to step into the room, alongside her daughter and another he did not recognize. Giving them only the smallest of bows, he stepped out almost immediately, sweat breaking out across his brow.
“Goodness, was that not Lord Crestwood?” he heard Lady Ryndale ask, as the door closed. “He called upon you? The gentleman to whom you were almost engaged some years ago?”
Samuel let out a low groan and rubbed one hand over his face, hearing the whispers and the gossip already beginning to fly through London. He could only pray that Lady Grifford would make it clear to her guests that there was nothing of any interest between them though, given what she had said, Samuel began to fear that she would do entirely the opposite.
I should tell Miss Millerton what has happened,he mused, making to sit in the carriage, shivering as he did so given the coldness of the winter air and the gusty wind.She should be prepared.
He blinked rapidly to himself, realizing that what he was thinking of was entirely unnecessary. Miss Millerton and he were not truly engaged, they were not about to marry and therefore, she would not be hurt if she heard such rumors, would she?
But I still want to tell her.
Letting out a low groan, Samuel covered his face with his hands as the carriage took him home. His heart was in a ball of confusion, covered in threads from the past and yet twined with the heart of another. He was aware of it now, unable to turn from it, unable to pretend that he did not have any sort of affection for Miss Millerton. She was settling all the more deeply into his heart this Christmas time and the more he thought of endingthe betrothal, the more his heart cried out with pain at even the thought of it. But yes, as far as he knew, she was still determined not to wed, to do as her late father had begged of her so even if hedidconfess that he might have an affection for her, she might then go on to refuse him and his heart would be quite broken… all over again.
With another sigh, Samuel leaned his head back against the squabs and closed his eyes.
Whatever am I to do?
