Page 5 of A Brooding Christmas Promise
It was as though the floor had opened up and swallowed Samuel whole. Everything he knew, everything he believed, everything he had built the last few months upon evaporated in an instant, his foundation crumbling.
“I have not been truthful with you – or with anyone,” she continued, each word difficult for her to speak, such was her upset. “Father would never permit me to marry him but I cannot help my heart. He wants to elope and I… I wish to do so.”
“Elope?” Samuel repeated the word, dizziness beginning to attack him as he stumbled back from her, feeling the cool wall behind him, supporting him as he stared at the lady he loved, the lady he now realized he did not know in the least. “What do you mean?”
She shook her head, wordlessly as Samuel pressed one hand hard to his forehead. How could it be? He had been so sure of his love for her, so certain that she returned it – for she had said those very words – but now, it seemed, that had been nothing but a lie.
“How could you do this?” A trembling fury swept over him, stealing away his shock. “How could you pretend?”
“Because my father would not permit me to court him,” came the answer, her eyes now brimming with tears as shelooked back at him, coming a little closer as though, somehow, she might be able to convince him of her goodness in all of this. “I cannot help my heart, Samuel! I thought that… I thought I might be able to force my heart to forget him by looking to you instead. I am very fond of you, truly, but – ”
Samuel sliced his hand through the air between them. “Do not even try to pretend that there is any sort of good in this. You may be kind-hearted towards me but that is not what you said to me. You told me, clearly, that you were in love with me, just as I was with you, that your heart was full of nothing but affection and now I discover that this was nothing but a lie?”
Lady Maria closed her eyes, one hand at her mouth as she sobbed.
“How could you do this?” The anger began to fade, leaving nothing but pain, a dark, sharp, stinging pain that grew in intensity with every second that passed. “I thought I had everything and now I have nothing. Nothing aside from the whispers and the gossip that thetonwill spread amongst society until I have only shame and mortification left to claim as my own.”
With a sniff, Lady Maria opened her eyes again and looked at him. “I should not have kept up the pretence. I wanted to do just as my father expected but my heart would not permit me.” She sniffed lightly and pulled out her handkerchief, though her gloves were already damp and stained with tears. “I know I do not deserve to ask this, but if you ever cared for me at all, then might you keep this to yourself for even one more day?”
What she was asking him hit Samuel so hard, he lurched to the other side, his eyes going wide.
“I know that I do not deserve this kindness, not after what I have done,” she said again, coming closer to him though her nearness was the very last thing that Samuel wanted. “But please, keep your silence for even one day more.”
“So that you can be taken to Scotland by the gentleman you care for,” Samuel rasped, as Lady Maria nodded, her eyes now wide and staring, fearful that he would refuse. Samuel shook his head, scrubbed one hand down his face and then looked away, hearing her sob. The pain within it tore at his heart, confusing him heavily for surely he ought not to feel any sort of compassion towards her but, instead, ought there not to be only upset and anger?
“It will give me time to prepare to leave London, I suppose,” he muttered, turning bodily away from her. “I do not want to linger in society when they hear that you have eloped with a gentleman that is not I.”
Lady Maria put both hands over her face and let out an enormous sob which, unfortunately, attracted the attention of the two guests nearby. Samuel, sensing that there might well soon be whispers already spoken of about this moment if he did not do something, quickly took Lady Maria’s hand and, though he wanted nothing more than to stride away from her and leave her to her tears, he quickly led her back to the front of the terrace, turning his back to the other two guests in the hope that they might realize that he did not want their company.
“You must compose yourself, else we shall never escape this evening without thetonnoticing that something is amiss.” He quickly removed her hand from his arm. “And I shall have to play the fool until we can both take our leave.”
“You are not a fool.”
Her whispered words did nothing to soothe his heart and Samuel scowled, shaking his head and turning his face away from her. “Oh yes, I am,” he answered her, firmly. “And I am certain that everyone within society shall think it of me also, once it is known that the lady I wished to betroth myself to has eloped with another.”
There came a long and heavy silence, punctuated only by the small sniffs from Lady Maria. Samuel gripped the edge of the terrace with both hands, feeling such a wide mix of emotions, he could not separate one from the other. What was he to do? His heart was already torn into pieces, he was sure, but he would have to wear a mask and disguise all that he felt for the rest of the evening, for tomorrow and for as many days thereafter as it took for him to leave London. There would be far too many whispers, too many sidelong glances and perhaps even words in the society newspaper about what had happened for him to accept without concern. No, he would have to leave London… and remain away for some time.
“I want you to know that I am sorry.”
Samuel stiffened. “Your apology makes very little difference to me, Maria,” he said, harshly. “You have broken me completely.” Hearing her sob once more, Samuel remained unmoved, wanting her to understand exactly what it was she had done. “I am in a thousand pieces and I do not think that I will ever be restored again, not for as long as I live.”
***
“But I am restored,” Samuel muttered to himself, as the memory came to an end. It was not a complete healing, of course, for he was still constantly attacked by the memory of what had happened, feeling the pain of her deceit breaking upon him over and over again – but he did not stillloveher. In that regard, he had been restored. His heart had not broken into a million pieces and remained that way. Instead, he had been putting it back together, piece by piece, until it was entirely his own and held no-one else within it.
And never shall again.
With a scowl, Samuel lifted the brandy glass to his lips and took a long sip. Yes, he considered, hecouldgo to London forthe Christmas Season but with no intention nor expectation of pursuing any sort of young lady. The thought of matrimony was now something dark, something he did not want to contemplate but that did not mean that he could not enjoy London, did it? He would simply have to make it clear to society that he had no interest in such a thing and pray that, thereafter, they would accept him just as he stated.
There might still be whispers and rumours about what happened.
Throwing back his brandy, Samuel’s scowl deepened. He had not endured much given that he had practically run from London the very same day as Lady Maria’s elopement had been discovered but he had heard that there had been many of them and that they had endured for some time.
“Then I either suffer them or I remain here,” he told himself, setting his brandy glass down. With a sigh, he picked up the invitation again and read it through, feeling a slight tug of interest which he wanted very much to ignore. Seeing that he could not, Samuel set it back down, leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
I am going to London.
Chapter Three
