Page 97 of An Unwanted Widow for the Duke
“There is no need to deny it, Duchess. And you—you shouldn’t deny the truth. It’s not your fault that you still love him. We can’t help what we feel, can we? He was your friend and husband, gentle and young as you remember him. You chose him. Meanwhile, I am merely necessary. Then again, I also need you to help me with Hector. You needed a substitute, a name, and a roof over your head.”
Wilhelmina could hear her pulse in her ears. She dug her nails into her palms to ground herself.“Y-You don’t understand.”
“Did I misunderstand?” Gerard asked with a humorless laugh. “Are you now trying to soothe my ego after you declared your undying love for a dead man in front of another woman who loves him? Yes, I understood the exchange for what it was.”
It was her turn to step closer to him.
Despite everything, she was not afraid of him. She was more afraid of where his thoughts were going.
“Listen, Gerard. Please? Robert was a dear companion who gave me everything I wanted back then—friendship, freedom, and respect. You’ll have to admit that many men take that for granted. And love? Yes, I did love him, and I still do in my own way. But it’s different.”
Gerard froze, his throat working. She knew that he didn’t know what to make of her declaration. As for her, she wasn’t certain either. Nobody had ever really made her pause to consider her feelings. But now, she was willing to talk about them, if it would make her husband listen.
“I still mourn him. But that’s what we do, don’t we? We mourn dead fathers, mothers, siblings, spouses, and more. And he deserves to be mourned. He was kind, adrift. We understood each other’s loneliness. That was why I said we were kindred spirits.”
She paused, scrambling for the words that could properly describe what she was feeling. Confusion roiled inside her. She loved Robert and wanted to remain loyal to her promises to him, and yet she could see what Gerard was trying to hold onto—the hope that they could form something beyond a convenient arrangement.
The clock ticked on the mantelpiece, impatient and urgent. Gerard was breathing shallowly, his chest rising and falling. Still, doubt twisted Wilhelmina’s tongue.
“I thought that you’d know me by now. No, I’m sorry. That’s unfair. I’ve kept secrets from you,” she rambled. “You see, I dolove Robert, and I’m not apologizing for it. I was protective of him, as he was of me. Yet, we were not in love. H-He was not attracted to women. We married because of our friendship. But most of all, it was a shield.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Gerard narrowed his eyes at her. “What do you mean?” he asked.
“Gerard,” she said, her voice quavering. “What I am trying to tell you is that Robert preferred men. He trusted me with his secret, even though it was dangerous for him to trust anyone. He knew that I was never interested in getting married, at least not to anyone I had met so far. Thanks to our friendship and mutual trust, we did not have any problem sharing a life.”
She paused for a moment.
“However, we never shared a bed, as you know. Not really. Sometimes, we’d sleep next to each other after a night of conversation. We shared our thoughts and dreams. We kissed once. We tried. I wanted Robert to have an heir so that nobody else would question him. B-But the kiss felt wrong. So wrong. It was awkward—it felt like kissing a sibling. We laughed after.Then, we resigned ourselves to a friendship. It was such a good friendship.”
She clasped her hands together as if in prayer. Then, she unclasped them.
“I loved him, Gerard, but as one would love a friend. A companion. A sibling. We were two people who were stifled by societal norms. We loved how we were sharing a secret that nobody else knew, and at social gatherings, we would be the most attentive couple. It made Lady Farnmont so mad! But yes, that was what our bond was like. It was friendship, not romance.”
Wilhelmina could not breathe. Gerard still had not said anything. He stood there, his face unreadable. But then his jaw clenched, and his eyes darkened.
“Do you understand now?” she prodded, almost pleading.
She never had to beg anyone for anything. She took her father’s punishments and had a response for everything her mother had to say.
Robert was her friend.But Gerard was different.She knew that now. And with that knowledge, she realized that she had to treat him differently if she didn’t want to lose him.
“I want to understand,” he finally said. He exhaled sharply, shaking his head in disbelief.
Wilhelmina knew that her marriage to Robert was never easy to understand, not when people were still quick to judge and when their judgment was dangerous.
“I’m simply trying to reconcile your truth with that of Lady Farnmont—a woman who hates you.”
“Lady Farnmont did not know about Robert’s inclinations,” Wilhelmina explained. “Therefore, her understanding of the matter is flawed. I respected Robert’s wishes so much that I didn’t even tell my sisters the truth. It could have put his life at risk. Yet, he still died.”
“And you decided to tell me now?” Gerard asked, his eyes boring into her.
Wilhelmina swallowed hard. She had known that he would ask that question. But their marriage was not real at the beginning, and it didn’t feel quite so even now. She just had the urge to tell him because she knew that not doing so might mean the end.
The days she had spent without him had been so empty; she had felt like she was clawing at thin air. Grasping for something she could never hold onto.
“I thought to tell you when I feel ready, not because this—this marriage is threatening to fall apart. When you’re ready to listen without judgment. When you’re not about to make it into an interrogation of sorts.”
