Page 90 of Resisting the Temptation
“No, I don’t want to go alone. I just don’t know how to explain what we are. I mean, Hannah and Elli are chill, but I don’t know how kinky their sex lives are. Talmage would probably be uncomfortable because as far as I know, he’s still in the church, and sex isn’t discussed freely. I don’t know how to say ‘we’re coworkers, but on the weekends I get on my knees and obey his commands’ without it being weird.”
Ben doesn’t respond right away, so I look over and study his face. I can’t see his eyes because of his sunglasses, but his jaw is tight like he’s holding back, and his hands are gripping the wheel tightly.
“It would just be simpler to say we’re dating,” he says evenly.
“I told Elli and Hannah last year I don’t do relationships,” I argue, even if it is half-heartedly.
Logically, I know people can change. It has been over a year since I said it, and Ihavechanged.
I want to be in a serious relationship with Ben, but I don’t know if he wants the same, and I don’t know how to be in one when I’m still scared of giving my heart to someone only for it to be given back to me torn to shreds.
But Ben… he seems different. I want to believe he’s different. I want to believe he wouldn’t break my heart. What if we don’t work out? What if rightnowhe finds the fact that I sit in front of a slab of stone and talk to my deceased grandparents charming, but in a year or two, he finds it exhausting? What if he really wants kids, and when he finds out I’m not sure I do, he decides I’m not worth it?
People can change their minds.
“People can change their minds,” Ben echoes my thoughts. “What reason did you give them for not wanting to be in a relationship?”
“I honestly don’t even remember anymore. Probably something about my ex wanting to move too fast and then dumping me. Typical heartbreak-turned-me-into-a-jaded-relationship-phobe stuff.”
I vividly remember Morgan—Hannah’s husband—telling me someone was going to come along and change my mind. I laughed it off but secretly hoped he was right.
I guess maybe in a way he was—it just took longer than I expected.
“Is that why you swore off relationships? Because of your ex?”
Why is Ben’s car trauma-dump central?
“Yes, and no. My ex, Trinity, and I were in vastly different places in life. She wanted to getmarried and start a family, and I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. She told me I wasn’t taking our relationship seriously, but in the same breath told me I was too emotional, too needy.Too much.” I don’t mention I was tired of people having to pick up the pieces after a breakup. How I felt like a burden to Jordan because I got too in over my head.
“And after how your family treated you growing up, you felt like it would be easier to not let anyone else in?” Ben guesses.
I blink becauseyeah.
“Something like that,” I mumble, suddenly finding my nailsveryinteresting.
Ben nods slowly like he wants to say more but isn’t surewhatto say.
Same. I still don’t fully understand why Trinity thought that.
We sit in silence as we drive through the hills of southern Utah. I’m glad Grandpa didn’t pass when it’s snowy, because this area can get nasty during a snowstorm, and the hills can be extremely dangerous.
I’m lost in my thoughts as I watch the hills pass. Occasionally, there are black dots of cattle grazing in a field or a random sign for one of the national parks scattered around Utah, but it’s nothing I haven’t seen a thousand times before.
I know the drive from Gunlock to Cottonwood Heights like the back of my hand from the many trips we made to see my grandparents before they passed.
My mind wanders to what a real relationship with Ben would look like.
Usually, when you start a romantic relationship, you don’t see the other person for forty hours a week. You get date nights and weekend sleepovers, but you’re not around them constantly, right?
Would one of us have to quit Rossi? It would have to be me, since it’s his dad’s company. But I don’t know if I’d be able to get another job in the field since it’s so male-dominated. And I like it at Rossi. It feels like the perfect fit for me.
If we both stayed at Rossi, would there be rules against touching at work? Obviously, we wouldn’t be fucking in the breakroom, but would he kiss me goodbye before he left the office to check out jobsites? Would he hold my hand in the safety briefings and foreman meetings? Or would he keep his distance?
Would we drive to work together or separately if we spent the night together? It would make sense to drive together, but I don’t know if Ben would want to be around meso much.
And why would he want to be in a relationship with me anyway, when he’s already getting the benefit of regular sex without having to do the boyfriend stuff like grocery shopping or listening to me explain the monster smut I’m reading in-depth?
“What are you thinking about so hard over there?” Ben breaks through my thoughts, and I blink over at him.
