Page 22 of Infinite as They Come
“I never thought about her like that. I never hated her for leaving, I just…” He pulled in a long breath. “It just would have been nice if things were different.”
I nodded and scooted in closer to him. “It’s okay to not decide right now.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” he said. “I’m not… I’m not ready yet. I don’t think I ever will be. I always thought I would be…”
“If you’re not ready to see her, that’s okay too…”
He nodded, lips pressed together as he ran both hands through his hair, not stopping until he got to the back of his neck. He pressed down a little, like there was a whole heap of tension sitting there, and I would have done anything in the world just to take away his pain. With his eyes stuck on the floor, I kept mine on his. I wondered what was going through his mind. What all of his thoughts were. If he knew he didn’t have to untangle all of this in a day, that he could wait, and that I’d be right there waiting with him.
“I need, um…” He drew in a long breath, eyes shutting. “I just need to clear my head a little. Just… Just get out of here for a couple hours or something.” One hand reaching out, he placed it on my knee. “It’s not you, Holly. I’m not trying to get away from you or run from this, I just need… time, and I don’t wanna stay here all day just… sitting. I gotta… I gotta move, I gotta get out of here, because then I’m just gonna be here thinking all day, and right now…”
The words weren’t coming all rushed out. They were leveled and quiet, and I knew what that meant: that he needed to do this alone, just for a little while, just until the thoughts got settled in his head. I couldn’t push him to tell me what was on his mind, and it wasn’t my place to, anyway. His fingers traced the tiniest of patterns there on my knee, all soft and soothing and gentle. When he was ready, he would come back to me, he would open up.Sawyer didn’t just blurt out his feelings, but when he did, he always did it with so much honesty, so much truth. I would have to wait, and that was okay.
“I know,” I said. “You need time. Take as much as you need.”
“This was supposed to be for you. This whole trip. This and…” He paused, brows furrowing. “I’m gonna give you everything I can, Holly. I will.”
“I know. You already do that.”
“I’m sorry this isn’t going how you imagined. How I imagined.”
“You’re with me. That’s how I imagine all my days.”
That had him squeezing at my knee a little firmer. He stood up, hands cupping the sides of my face as he pulled me closer, his lips pressing to the top of my head. My own eyes shut, feeling his thumbs circling at the skin on my cheeks, his lips letting out muffled words that I couldn’t quite decipher. It would have been nice to stay there all day, unmoving, just us together as he held me so gently. He smelled good. Cheap motel soap that I loved and something else that was justhim. Woodsy, deep, Sawyer.
“I’ll be back in a little while,” he said, voice clearer as he tilted my head up to look at him. His green eyes stared right into mine: that color looking so much darker today, so much that they were almost unreadable. “I love you, Holly.”
“I love you too,” I whispered.
He kissed me again, this time on the lips, his tongue slipping into my mouth so slowly it had me melting against him, right into his touch. He pulled on his shoes after that and mumbled out a goodbye, and it was only then that I breathed out the long sigh I had been holding in the whole time. It was too much. His mom. His brother. All of it. I didn’t blame Sawyer in the slightest for needing some air and space. God, I needed some too.
Fingers trembling, I gripped the edge of the bed and pushed myself up. Sitting around in the room all day was just going to put me on edge until Sawyer got back, so I didn’t waste any time swinging the door open. Burning, heavy air hit me, but the heat was at least a distraction from everything that had just happened. Shutting the bright red door behind me, I leaned against the black railing of the balcony, taking in the sight of the parking lot. It wasa busy motel on one of the main roads, and I watched for a moment as what felt like a thousand cars zoom up and down. Besides that, it still felt fairly serene. It was busy in a way that felt comforting, unlike all the chaos in New York.
A good dozen or so pot plants bordered the stairs that I was making my way down before I turned a corner by the main office. I moved past the vending machines and the faded plastic chairs that sat close by. There was a teeny tiny patch of grass in the distance, and I spotted some kids tossing around a football, their laughs soft and warm.
I kept walking, head craning for a second to look back at the main road. I wondered where Sawyer had gone off to. The thought of him made me wrap my arms around myself, my fingers landing on warm skin. I just wanted him to be okay. For him to not get hurt by her again. I almost winced at the visual: of him letting her back into his life only for his heart to break all over again.
I had been walking so fast and so long that I had made it all the way to the back of the motel. It was a little quiet, with just the gentle sound of waves in the air that was coming from a pool. I didn’t even know the motel had one.
“You look a little lost, darling,” a warm voice called out from behind me.
Turning, I came face to face with the back part of the motel. There were more rooms over this side too, and there was a woman sitting down on one of the ground levels, out on the tiny patio. Her feet were up on the white railing, clad in bright purple flip flops. She shot me a smile that I could only label as friendly as I took a couple steps over to her.
“Oh,” I said with a little laugh. “Not lost, just…”
“I can tell you’re not from around here.”
“I’m from Dallas.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I meant, like, this isn’t your scene.”
“My scene?”
She tilted her head at me and lowered her feet, pushing her hair behind her ears. “Girls like you don’t stay in motels like this.”
“I like them.” I shrugged. “Me and my boyfriend are on a road trip. Well… the tripping part is kinda on pause for now.”
She laughed and patted the seat next to her. “Well, I can keep you company. Come sit. This is my place. Got a pretty nice view of the pool, don’t I?”
