Page 28 of Infinite as They Come
That little smile stayed there on her face. “I’m ready whenever you are.”
Fuck, was I even ready? I felt mostly ready on the drive over. Maybe it was okay to not feel completely ready for whatever was going to happen. I didn’t think I’d ever feel absolutely prepared to see her face again, anyway. For a second, I let myself remember her more: gentle fingers pushing through my hair as she told me a story to get me to sleep, her bright smile when she held me close to her, her laughter that slowly dimmed the longer she stayed with my dad, until I didn’t hear it at all, until it disappeared from my life completely.
It had been so long.
We both got out of the truck together, our hands finding each other again as we moved along the small pathway to the house. The more footsteps I took, the more I waited on edge to hear her voice in the distance. I took in everything around me as I tried to distract myself. The brown tiles and the tiny cracks in them. The flower pots that surrounded the front of the steps, a few of them on the patio, a sea of red and blue and yellow petals looking back at me. How heavy my feet felt when one landed on the porch. It was Holly next to me that pulled me back into the moment, her thumb running across the skin on my hand for a second that lasted forever in my mind.
“It’s okay to do this another day,” Holly said. “Whatever day you pick, I’ll be there.”
But I was pretty sure I was picking today. I wanted it to be today for a few reasons. Ripping the Band-Aid off sounded better than dragging out that feeling of missing her that had never gone away, and I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t want to see her in the flesh.
I knocked on the door before I could change my mind, my other hand still holding on to Holly’s. Her by my side was the only thing keeping me from backing out before it all started to hurt too much, and I knew it would. I wasabout to tear open wounds and let them bleed fast and heavy. There was some noise from behind the door, like fast footsteps, and in a millisecond, it had been swung open.
There stood Linda Westbrook. She hadn’t aged a day. She looked younger, really. Her golden locks stopped at her shoulders, her blue eyes softening and then closing and then opening up again to show me tears, and I felt guilt punch me right in the stomach. I had always hated seeing her cry, and that reaction I got to seeing her eyes glistening hadn’t left me all these years later.
Her hand reached out, grasping the door tight, like it was the only thing keeping her steady.Holly was the only thing keeping me steady.
She let out a cry, a hand covering her mouth. “I can’t believe it.”
“Yeah, me either,” I finally said, voice so strained it was a wonder I even managed to speak at all. I realized then that they were the first words I had said to my mother in over a decade, and I wished I had planned it all better, that I had mapped out every last one of my actions and words to make it easier for her.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” she said with a laugh that sounded all choked and sad. “I didn’t think you’d show up. Look at you. Look at how grown up you are. Look how handsome. You’re not a boy anymore. It’s been so long.”
She stepped forward, hands outreached as they moved towards my face. It was just a brush of her fingertips that made me take a step back. I had been waiting my whole life to feel her again, but that moment, that barely there touch, was enough to force myself to pull away from her. Her face—my mom’s face, I was looking at her in the flesh—screamed hurt when I did that, and I wanted to slap myself across the face for that one little move.
Brows pulled together and eyes big, she stepped back. “I’m sorry, Sawyer,” she said, voice shaky as she wiped at her eyes. “You’re not ready for that. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s…” I said. “I just…” I looked at Holly, at her big eyes and the warmth that was beaming back at me.It’s okay, she mouthed at me. It was okay with her. Any place was.
“Do you want to come inside?” she asked. My mom asked. My mother,holy shit. I still couldn’t quite believe it. Her eyes swept over to my side. To Holly. “The both of you.”
“This is Holly,” I said. “My… My girlfriend.”
“Hi,” Holly said, voice soft and timid.
“Holly,” my mom said brightly, giving her eyes another wipe. “We spoke on the phone. It’s so nice to meet you. Come inside, come inside. I can fix you something to drink if you like.”
She held the door open for the both of us, letting us step inside. The place was all deep yellow walls and soft light. Photos here and there, little knick knacks, a pot plant by the doorway. A giant rug sat on the floor. More yellow. It looked handmade, a little frayed at the edges. The scent of cinnamon was in the air. Light, but present enough for me to wonder if that smell lingered all the time. If she came home to that. To this warmth, to this world I never had.
When we entered the living room I spotted Spencer on the couch, all tucked under a man’s arm. His dad, I guessed. And my mom’s new husband. Both of their eyes found mine at the same time, and it was obvious how alike they looked with their matching dark hair and brown eyes.
The guy stood up, a bright smile on his face as he stepped over to me. “You must be Sawyer,” he said, voice warm as he stuck a hand out for me. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“Oh,” was all I could really say as I shook his hand.
“It’s nice to meet you. I’m really glad you came over. I’m Kurt,” he said. “Spencer wouldn’t stop talking about you.”
“Spencer…” I said, voice trailing off as my eyes landed on his on the couch. He looked smaller than he did the other day, a cushion there on his lap as he cuddled it tightly to him. “Spencer,” I said again. “Hi.”
“Hi,” he said softly.
“Maybe, um… Maybe we can all sit down and talk,” my mom said, stepping further into the living room. “Is that okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. Talking. We had to do a lot of that. I knew that on the drive over, and I knew it was gonna be painful and fucked up and hard, but Holly was still squeezing at my hand, and her touch alone was enough to makethat weight on my shoulders feel a little less heavy. “Yeah, okay.”
“I’ll get you guys some coffee,” Kurt said before leaving the room.
My mom took a seat next to Spencer and I found a spot with Holly on the couch opposite. Me and Holly sat there, practically stuck together, our fingers still interlocked so tightly, but I needed it. Needed her.
