Page 30 of Infinite as They Come
“Wait, no,” she said. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. You’re not supposed to comfort me after what I did.”
We stayed quiet after that. I didn’t know what to say to her and it felt like an asshole move to just spill my guts right then and there after finally seeing her after years—especially since she was so upset. But fuck, I was allowed to feel that pain, wasn’t I? The loneliness, the abandonment. She ran away from a man who hated her, but that same man hated me too. It wasn’t just that that hurt. It was her leaving without as much as a note. Me coming home one day so ready to see her familiar face, only to be left to wonder for so many years what that face had turned into. She left me with an ache in my heart that I thought would never heal until Holly managed to put all the pieces back together. Little by little, day by day, she had fixed me in a way I didn’t think was possible.
“What are you thinking?” she asked.
I pushed a hand through my hair. “Uh… About a million different things if I’m being honest.”
“Tell me,” she said with a nod, leaning into me. “Please tell me, Sawyer.”
My eyes closed and I scrubbed my hands over my face. “I don’t know where to start or what to say. There’s a lot going through my head right now. I’ve had a lot of thoughts in my head since… Since the day you left.” And I felt guilt hit me when I said that, especially when she let out a soft sniffle, but it was the truth.
“I thought about you every day I was without you, Sawyer. I wondered where you were, what you were doing, if you were okay. If he was… hurting you the way he hurt me.”
“Uh…” I laughed, all dry and humorless. “Yeah, he definitely was. Couldn’t get enough of it.”
“I’m so sorry. I left you with him. He was so… Sawyer, I was so afraid every day. I know it’s not an excuse, I know, but I was terrified. I was losing myself in that home. Every day it got worse and worse and then I literally just dropped you off at school like I always did, and I was making my way back home, and… God, just those few minutes without him felt like bliss…”
“Without me too,” I said before I could stop myself, the words coming outall grumbled and bitter.
She gasped. “No, no, no.”
I finally moved my hands away from my face and looked at her. It was pain looking back at me. Pain and heartache, right there, clear as day. I hadn’t meant to say that, but it had been exactly what I felt from the day she left—that whatever she found was better than her old life, better than me.
“Sawyer, no,” she said. “Don’t think that. That’s not how it was. I ran because it felt like the only option I had left. I wanted to bring you with me. I wanted my son. I didn’t deserve you. You were my sweet, innocent boy, and I broke your heart. I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t even deserve to be sitting next to you right now. God, you should be laughing in my face. You should be telling me to never speak to you again.”
“I don’t want that,” I said, my voice strained. “I’ve been waiting to see you since the day you left. I would forgive you. No matter how long you were gone, I would always want you back in my life. But… you just left, and… Christ, it’s hard to get over that.”
“You deserve so much better than me as your mother,” she said.
I winced at those words. “Don’t say that. Don’t. I know why you left. You were scared and I don’t blame you for one second for doing what you felt was right. But… What you did hurt. It hurt every day and just got worse and worse. And it made me so angry and bitter and pissed off at the world. At anyone. God, even Holly once upon a time. And those people—especially her—didn’t deserve to deal with all my bullshit and I wish I could take back all those days I was mad at her.”
“I never wanted to hurt you, Sawyer,” she whispered. “You must have felt so scared and alone.”
My brows rose. “Yeah, had to grow up pretty fast. Dad wasn’t exactly helpful…”
“I’m sorry. That’s all I can say. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but please know that I never stopped thinking about you. I thought about you every day.”
I fidgeted a little on the seat, looking anywhere but her face. “You knew where I was. You never tried to see me or call me. It would have been niceto see you just once…”
“I was so scared, Sawyer.”
“So was I,” I said a little too harshly. “I was five when you left. I came home from school expecting to see you and all I got was a slap across the face. And then it just got worse from there on out. I had to learn how to defend myself against my own dad. I had to learn his weak spots so I knew how to survive another day, I had to do chores just so I’d get fed, I had to watch out every time I turned a corner because that was all it took to piss him off. And the whole time I kept wondering where you were. If you were okay, if you were safe, if you were alive, if you loved me, if you hated me. He loved telling me that.” I laughed bitterly, and that was when I caught sight of the look on her face. Wet eyes, trembling lips. Fuck, what was I doing? I couldn’t think straight. “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to rant at you like that. Just… Just got a lot on my mind right now. I’m sorry.”
Her head shook. “No, it’s okay. Don’t say sorry. I want to know. I want to know what you’re feeling.”
“That’s why you left according to him. ‘Cause you hated me that much. That and money.”
Hand pressed to her mouth, she shook her head. “No, not at all. I left because of him, not because of you, not because of money. I loved you from before you were even born.”
“I just wish you had taken me with you,” I said.
“You’re allowed to feel this way. Angry and upset. I deserve that for what I did. I… I understand if you don’t want to see me again…”
“It’s not like that… It’s just… It wasn’t exactly easy. I had to grow up so fast. I had to learn how to take care of myself and worry every day what was gonna happen next. I don’t hate you. I never could. I know why you left, but… I’m still allowed to feel a little angry, right?”
She brushed her fingers under her wet eyes. “You are. Of course you are.”
There was silence for a long time. It was heavy and uncomfortable and I wasn’t even sure what else to say to her, because everything Iwantedto say felt too fucking harsh and cruel, and she deserved better than to have me upset her more than she already was.
