Page 62 of Infinite as They Come
“Weird?” I repeated.
“Yeah, weird. Good weird. Like… normal.” He shifted slightly in his seat. “Like… this is what families do, right? Have dinner. Talk. Sit down and… be… a family. It’s weird to have that.”
“Good weird, though…” I whispered.
“Yeah, good weird. It still feels like it’s not even real. Everything feels like a dream when I talk to her, like I’m on the outside looking in. It’s hard to be in the moment, to really feel it all. To feel her. Hear her voice. When she puts her hand on my shoulder. When she says my name. I’m scared to really feel it, because the next day she could…”
“Leave again,” I murmured, my fingers tracing along his hand.
“Yeah. I’ve got my walls up. I’ve got a hundred walls up. I always thought I’d throw my arms around her the second I saw her, you know? But it’s so much harder than I ever thought. So different. So… I don’t know. I want to be ready. I want tofeelready. And I feel closer to that every time I talk to her. And Spencer too. And Kurt. He’s nice. He’s good to her. That’s what she said. I want her to be happy and she seems happy and that’s all I ever wanted for her. If she’s safe, if she’s good, if she’s healthy, then shouldn’t I just let it all go? Just… forget everything that happened, just skip to the happy ending?”
“She’s trying,” I said. “And you’re trying too. You don’t have to rush to fix things. It’s okay to do it slowly, to take it day by day. You’re so strong, Sawyer. So strong to be doing this. You’re the bravest person I know, but it’s okay to not feel guarded all the time. I get why you might feel like you have to be, but if being with her makes you feel happy and whole, then you’reallowed to give yourself that.”
Slowly, my eyes landed on Sawyer, and I watched as he swallowed thickly. Staring ahead of him, he nodded. “Happy and whole. I already feel happy and whole with you, Holly.”
“But?” I prompted, because I could tell there was something there on his mind, something he needed to say.
There was a long pause, eyes glued ahead of him, but he said his next words with the saddest sounding laugh I had ever heard in my life. “I really miss my mom,” he said.
My chest and stomach felt all knotted up as those words swept over me, and my hand quickly squeezed at his. I lifted it up and held it to my chest, letting out a shallow breath as the moment took over me. It was Sawyer being honest, Sawyer trying to unbury and throw away all of that pain he had been holding on to for too many years. For his whole life.
“You don’t have to miss her anymore,” I finally said.
“I don’t think I could handle having to miss her again.”
“All of this,” I said, keeping his hand pressed to my chest, “it’s a lot. It’s so much. I know you’re scared to take a risk, but you’re allowed to love her again like you used to. You’re allowed to go all in and feel everything. The good parts. The parts you missed. I know you’ve got a wall up. I get why. Because if you have walls up, then you can’t get hurt, right?”
“No, you can’t.” He let out a long breath. “But it might be time to take them down.”
Chapter 16
Holly
Clara was moving so fast I could barely see her. Hair pulled back into a tight ponytail, she skirted up and down that small section behind the counter, grasping receipts and pouring coffee and somehow managing to hold a good four plates filled with chicken and waffles. I wasn’t quite sure how she did it.
“You sure you don’t want anything else to eat?” she asked. Looking up, I watched as she shot me a bright smile. Not a hair out of place and without a single bead of sweat on her skin, she tilted her head at me.
“I’m still eating my sandwich,” I said, holding up one of the slices. “Delicious, by the way.” I had been doing some writing in the morning and had gone from sitting in the motel room to hanging out by the pool to finally making my way down to the diner where I was able to focus properly. The warm rambunctious voices all mixed in together just made me concentrate better.
After me and Sawyer had breakfast, he had taken off. Again. Art stuff, he had said. But he had needed to get “art stuff” the last month and a bit, and while he always came back to the motel with bags stocked with paint or brushes, I knew he wouldn’t spend hours hunting down those things. There was something he was keeping to himself. I knew that much. What it was, I didn’t know, and I didn’t want to push him. Not with everything suddenly going on in his life.
“I’ll tell Charlie out back,” Clara said. “He’ll be over the moon.”
“I hope so. And I hope I’m not getting in your way,” I said. “You seem pretty busy here.”
“No, it’s nice having someone to talk to.” She leaned her elbows on the counter. “Tommy’s usually sitting in that chair, and all he wants to do is talk about wrestling.”
“He really loves that stuff.”
“Oh, tell me about it. He’s at his friend’s house watching some of it right now. He won’t sleep tonight, so if you hear screaming, you know he’s tryna show me some new moves he learned today.”
“I’ll look out for your screams.”
“You mean his screams, because I’ll win.”
I laughed, resting my chin in the palm of my hand. “He’s funny. Hey, do you think he and Spencer could hang out one day? Sawyer’s little brother? They’re about the same age. He doesn’t live too far from here.”
Eyebrow raised, Clara gave me a nod. “What’s his deal?”
