Page 66 of Infinite as They Come
She came to a stop, right there in the middle of the busy crowd. Shaky hands lifted up to her face fast, but I saw her eyes, all wet with tears as she blinked hard, like she was trying to fight them off. My brain was reeling, my hands reaching out for her almost on instinct as I let them rest on her shoulders. They weren’t as frail as they used to be.Shewasn’t as frail as she used to be, all those years ago.
“Don’t cry,” I murmured, pulling her against my chest. “Please don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry for what I did. For everything he did. You deserved so much better than that. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
“I don’t deserve this. To see you, to feel you, to be in your life.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.”
“It’s not.”
“I’m a terrible mother. You can say it. I know I am.”
“You’re not. Don’t say that. I never thought that.”
“It’s the truth.”
“I forgive you, Mom.”
She froze at that. The shaking stopped in an instant, her shoulders tensing up just that little bit. It was my first time calling her that in almost twenty years. My first time saying those words that I knew I would have always said to her no matter how long she had been away. It was time that I had needed, and a lot of it. Awkward conversations and worried glances and quick touches to finally get to the moment we had both been waiting for.
“I forgive you,” I said again, because I had a feeling she needed to hear it one more time. “I swear I do. I forgive you and it’s okay. I don’t hate you. I never hated you. God, I missed you every day you were gone. Don’t think that I hate you, that I don’t wanna be here with you. I love being here with you.”
She sobbed, all choked and sharp, pulling away from me just that little bit, her eyes all coated with tears. I felt my heart sink.That look. It never got any easier.
“I know I’ve been kinda… distant,” I said, eyes falling to the ground for a second. “I never thought I’d ever get to see you again. Hearing your voice on the phone turned my whole world upside down. Not it in a bad way. Just… I went my whole life without you. It doesn’t feel real having you again. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say all this to you.”
Head tilting, her hands landed on the sides of my face. “Why are you saying sorry? You’re saying sorry to me, after what I did? You’re too sweet. Too forgiving. Not at all like your father.”
I nodded. “I don’t ever wanna be like him.”
“You’re not. I can tell you’re not. I can feel it and see it. When you’re with her.” She swallowed thickly, giving me a little smile. “When you’re with Holly. I can see how much you love her, how much she means to you. You must take such good care of her.”
“I try,” I said with a dry chuckle. “It’s not always easy being in love with a rich girl.”
A breathy laugh left her lips. “I suppose not, but you seem to be doing a good job, because that girl seems so happy.” Slowly, she patted her hands against my cheeks. “Look at you. My sweet boy. So grown up. I missed outon so much. I don’t want to miss anything else.”
“I… I don’t want you to miss anything else either,” I muttered. “Letting you back in has been really hard for me, and I’m scared… Mom, I can’t lose you again. The first time almost broke me. The second time? I don’t know if I could do it again.”
Her head shook, hands pressing up against my face tightly, like she was scared I’d fade away in front of her. “That’s not happening. It’s not. I promise you, Sawyer, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know I’ve been distant. I’ve been kinda… closed off, like I don’t want to let you back in. It’s not because I don’t want you back in my life. It’s just that I’m so worried that I’ll lose you again.”
Her head shook wildly. “You don’t have to feel that.”
“It’s there, you know? That feeling. Like it’s trapped inside of me. It’s a wall I didn’t think I’d ever be ready to let down. Because taking it down means I could get hurt again, and I can’t handle it happening a second time. I can’t.”
