Page 83 of Infinite as They Come
All that combined together had me feeling ever so slightly frustrated.
I had been plenty patient. Had given him enough chances, only for this morning to blow up in my face. He had looked me right in the eyes and lied without a second thought. The fact made me nervously tap my shoe against the diner floor. It was the lying, the secrecy, the vagueness of it all. Wasn’t I entitled to a little paranoia? Wasn’t I entitled to the truth? Wasn’t I allowed to have better than some blatant made-up story? And when the hell did Sawyer get so good at lying to me? Because I sure as hell believed him in the morning.
My eyes landed back on that email. It was an offer I should have been all over, but all I could think about was the misery some boring office job would give me. I found myself snapping my laptop shut at the too vivid image. I didn’t want that life. I wanted Sawyer and our next chapter.
I just wasn’t sure whathewanted anymore.
Chapter 22
Sawyer
I had been so close. So close. So close I could literally feel it.
Twenty thousand dollars. That was what I needed, what I was missing, because some other guy had swooped the fuck in and offered to buy above the asking price. That was twenty thousand dollars I didn’t have. Mandy had tried. Had done her best to hold that other guy off, but money spoke all languages, and it was simple: I just didn’t have enough.
It was another day of trying to find that home only to come back empty-handed. Today felt even worse, because I had stood there in that fucking house and could literallyfeelmy future with Holly in there. It had everything. Perfect spot, right amount of rooms, lemon tree. God, I just wanted to give it to her already. There was so much I wanted to give her, and that house really felt like it was possible. It didn’t feel like some far off, blurry dream. It felt real.
I knew I’d never be able to get her some big palace like the one she grew up in, or fly her off to some exotic country in a private jet, or stock her wardrobe full of designer stuff, but I could give her a home. Four walls, a warm space, a place where she felt safe and loved. Couldn’t I give her that? Wasn’t I supposed to? It was my job to look after her.
I was pulling up into the motel parking lot before I knew it. My hands scraped over my face like that would scratch away the disappointment of today. All it did was make it worse. It made my head ache more, made me feel more tired, made that stinging in my chest triple.
Being so close to getting that house was what made it worse. If it was totally out of reach, I could have accepted that and moved on, but the fact that it was right there and close enough for me to touch was the part that felt a little too suffocating. Dragging myself out of the truck, I leaned up against it for a second. I just needed a moment for the exhaustion to fade, for my brain to stop being a jumbled mess so I could think properly and clearly. Holly was in our room. Probably bored. Annoyed. Pissed off. She had every right to be that way, too. I should have picked up dinner along the way. She might have been hungry.
My hands pushed through my hair like Holly would always do. I wished it was her touching me. Wished I could tell her what was going through my mind, because she always knew exactly what to say to make all that pain and frustration vanish.
“Sawyer?”
Looking up, I saw my mom standing in front of me, giving me a little wave. She was smiling, and I liked that it didn’t look like all those shy ones she was giving me before the fair, like when she looked too hesitant to really feel it all the way. I had been hesitant too. There was a light in her eyes now, giving them a bright sheen that I loved seeing. She looked relaxed, lighter,happy. How she was supposed to look.
“Hey, Mom,” I said.
Her smile widened. “I won’t ever get over hearing you say that.”
“I won’t ever get over saying it.”
Laughing, she took a few steps closer to me. My head turned, and that was when I saw Kurt a few feet away with Spencer in his arms. Spencer’s eyes were shut as Kurt slid him into the car.
“He’s all tuckered out,” Mom said. “He was spending time with Tommy today. They went for a swim in the pool.”
“He’s not the only one who’s tuckered out,” I said before I could stop myself.
Her head tilted, eyes widening with worry as she took a step forward. “What’s wrong?”
Hand rubbing at the back of my neck, I shook my head. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s something.”
“It’s just some dumb thing.”
She pressed a hand to her chest. “You can share anything with me, Sawyer.”
That hand on my neck moved to my face, fingers rubbing against my skin. “There’s just a lot on my plate right now with Holly.”
“With Holly? Did something happen?”
“I’m trying to get us to that next step, you know? A house. No, ahome. The place where we spend the rest of our lives together. Where I can just love her and look after her. That’s all I want to do, you know?” I said. “And I wish I could snap my fingers and give her the world, but I can’t. All I can give her is my love, and I’m trying to maybe give a little more than that. Something real, you know? Four walls, a roof. Even if it’s the size of her closet back at home, I just wanna give her something.”
She blinked at me, a hand resting on my arm to give it a squeeze. “A house? You’re buying a house?”
