Page 89 of Infinite as They Come
“I didn’t tell you about it because it wasn’t important. I can’t ever imagine going back to New York. I don’twantto go back. I’d be happy with you anywhere, but being in a place like that gets suffocating after a while, and I always imagined life being different when I finished school.” My mind couldn’t help but travel back in time a little. To that moment I told Sawyer all about the kind of life I wanted when I was done with school. That house in the countryside, all quiet and surrounded by so much peace it consumed you in the best way possible. “Our life.”
“Our life…” he repeated.
My eyes darted to the side. To the window. The people, the cars, the buildings. A distraction would have been nice. “I already knew the answer before I even opened the email.”
“And what’s that answer?”
“No. Obviously. And maybe if you were around lately, I could tell you. Maybe if you didn’t leave for hours upon hours, you and me could actually talk to each other. I don’t get why I’m the one being asked all these questions when you’re the one who’s still hiding something from me. I’m so ready for whatever comes next for us. For us to just be together, for us to be in love forever. I don’t want to be in love with anyone else but you.”
He drew in a shaky breath. “I don’t like keeping things from you, Holly. I hate it. It hurts me more than it hurts you.”
“Then help the both of us.” I finally looked back at him. “Just tell me what’s going on with you.”
Eyes fused to mine, his lips parted. He would say it. He would. He’d tell me and we could put it all behind us.
But slowly, his head shook. “I can’t.”
I wished it didn’t hurt so much, but there was something about being lied to by him that cut a little too deep. I could take a million lies from a single person, but one from him ached in a way I didn’t think was possible. Instead of looking at him any longer, I shoved a fork into my pancakes, neither of us even eating. No talking, no hand holding, no shoes bumping togetherplayfully. The opposite to how we almost always were.
Clara eventually showed up for her shift and came up to our table with a big smile, but she seemed to almost immediately sense the too big wall of tension between me and Sawyer and politely excused herself.
We left a little while after that, and I was very quickly regretting the fact that me and Sawyer had originally walked over to the diner rather than drive, because now we were stuck with a long, uncomfortable silence. My fingers itched to reach out and grab his hand, to hold it tight, to turn him towards me and look him in the eyes and beg him for some truth. That felt a little pathetic, though. Wasn’t honesty supposed to be part of the package when you fell in love? I didn’t like being lied to. I didn’t like how much it hurt when it was Sawyer doing the lying.
We got back to the motel and spent the rest of the day there. The TV was on, but it didn’t help to wash away any of that tension. It was just background noise to our fight. To whatever the hell had happened today.
When we slid into bed that night, I couldn’t even turn and rest against him. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My favorite place in the world was to be in his arms, and I never slept better than when I was curled up against him, but I found myself shuffling towards the edge of my side of the bed.
It was Sawyer’s hand on my hip that halted me. My back to him, my hands layered under the pillows, my whole body turned away from his. I hated not being all wrapped up with him. I hated being lied to more.
“Holly?” he said.
“Mm?” was the only sound I could manage to make.
“I love you.”
My eyes shut tightly. “I love you too.”
“I love you so much.”
“I love you so much too.”
“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t know what I would do without you. Do you know that? I’d be lost without you.” His thumb pushed up my top that little bit, exposing just a slither of skin. He stroked his thumb against me there, soft and slow and comforting. There it was again. That gentle caress, his oh so frequent habit of touching me like Iwas made of the most breakable glass. “I’m so lucky. I know how lucky I am too. Don’t think that I don’t know.”
“I’m lucky too,” I said, eyes still closed. “I’m the luckiest girl in the world that you’re mine and I’m yours.”
He sighed. “If New York is where you wanna be…”
“I don’t wanna be in New York. If I wanted to be in New York, I’d be there now, wouldn’t I?”
“I guess.”
“I didn’t tell you about that offer because it didn’t feel important. It still doesn’t feel important. I didn’t think twice about it until you brought it up.”
“I don’t wanna hold you back from you doing what you want. You know I would never do that. I would never, ever stop you, Holly. I want you to do everything you’ve always wanted to do. I want you to be happy.”
“New York isn’t what I want.”
“Me either.”
