Page 34 of Infinite as They Come
“Maybe we’ll move in,” I said, eyeing Sawyer. “I really like it here.”
“Yeah, let’s do it,” he said.
“Sounds fabulous to me,” she said, giving Sawyer’s arm a squeeze. “I’ll leave you two alone. Thank you for today. I’ll see you both later!”
I let her out, watching as she blew me a kiss before she spun around, her heels clicking against the pavement. Shutting the door, I moved over to the canvas pad that Sawyer had sat down on the table, lips parting as I took it all in. Every last wave of her fiery hair, the way her eyes had lit up as she told us all about her life, the dimple right there in her cheek.
“It looks so beautiful,” I whispered, and I quickly hummed when I felt Sawyer’s arms wrap around me from behind. His head found my shoulder as I layered my hands over his, getting lost in the sensation of him being right there. So close, so warm. “She’s so gorgeous. You captured her perfectly.”
“She’s something, huh?” he murmured. “That Gerald guy missed out…”
“Poor Gerald,” I said.
He held me a little tighter. “I keep thinking about what she said.”
“About not having regrets?”
“Yeah. And that made me think about my mom. About her wanting to see me again. She seemed scared. Like I’d disappear right in front of her, like I’d see her once and then never come back again.”
I had seen that in her eyes. Linda seemed like the sort of person who wore her heart on her sleeve. She was open, vulnerable, willing. I liked that about her. That she didn’t hide her thoughts or pain. She had been sweet to me, and Kurt was just as kind. I remembered how nervous he had been when he brought me into the backyard with Spencer. How wide his eyes had been, how he kept lingering near the back door, like he was on edge about whatever Sawyer and Linda had been talking about. He gave them their space, though. He stayed with me in the yard as Spencer showed me all his flowers. The ones they planted together, the ones Spencer did all on his own.
“I really hated seeing her so scared,” he said. “And I kinda hatemyself for making her feel like that.”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see my face, my eyes glued to that painting of Diana. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“It feels like I did.” There was a long silence between us before he spoke up again. “I can’t lose her again. I’m terrified of having to do that. Just like last time.”
We hadn’t talked much about his mom since the other day. I wasn’t going to force him to yell out every last one of his feelings. I knew I had to wait, that patience was important, but it seemed like he was finally ready to speak about her.
I spun around in his arms, met with green eyes drenched with concern. My hands rested on his chest, the material of his T-shirt soft against me. “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I wish I could fix it all. I’d do it so quickly if I could, but you’re so strong to be doing this. Talking to her, staying in this town when we could have left a week ago, standing here talking to me about this. I wish I knew what she was thinking. What her next move would be. You deserve better than to get hurt again.”
“I barely made it through the first time,” he said, his laugh short and blunt.
“She’s trying. She wants to see you. Talk to you. Share things with you. She seems pretty eager to have you back in her life, even if it took her a while to do it.”
“I don’t even know what we’re supposed to talk about. I don’t know her anymore and she doesn’t know me.”
“I guess you’ll have to learn about each other again. Which means taking a risk, because…”
He swallowed thickly. “Because she could leave like before.”
“It was different then. It was hard for her. Life changes pretty fast, and it seems like she’s in a good spot to be here and talk to you and love you again.”
“Love me again,” he mumbled, his hands landing on my hips. “It’s been a while since I had a parent love me.”
My head tilted as I whispered out his name, my hands moving up to grasp his cheeks. It wasn’t fair. None of it. He didn’t deserve a second of whateverpain he was feeling. My thumbs stroked across his skin like I could sooth away the ache, standing on the tips of my toes so I could brush my lips against his.
“I love you, Sawyer,” I said. “I’m sure she’ll be able to see what I see. Every good thing about you, and there’s so many. So many things about you to love, and she’ll be the luckiest person in the world if she gets to be around you and see all those things. Your strength.” Leaning forward, I pressed a light but lingering kiss to his lips. “Your kindness.” Another kiss. “Your protectiveness.” Another one. “Your heart.” One more kiss. “Your love. And I’m forever thankful that it’s me that gets to feel it.”
He sighed, hands rising to the small of my back. He pulled me in tight, our lips pressed together, those soft, little kisses suddenly no longer enough as our tongues met. We kissed. Just kissed. Deep, hard, long, our bodies so close, his all warm and hard and solid despite it all. My home, my forever, and I loved just kissing him, his hands always so firm on my body like he needed every last bit of me. My hands stayed there on the side of his face like I was clinging to him, his lips finally pulling from mine, giving us both the chance to draw in breaths.
“I have to do this, right?” he said, forehead resting against mine.
“You don’thaveto.”
“I feel like I do. Not just for her, but for me too. I need it. I… I don’t want to have any regrets, Holly.”
“They weigh you down…”
