Page 79 of Infinite as They Come
His thumb kept stroking against my skin. “I know.”
“Anything that’s on your mind… It doesn’t have to stay there. You can share it with me.”
He nodded. Quick and curt. “I know, sweetheart.”
“Tell me,” I said, voice barely above a whisper.
He froze that tiny bit under me, like those two words were enough to have him tense up. Even his thumb stopped moving on my cheek. It was just our eyes locked, unblinking, our bodies still pressed so tightly together.
“It’s…” he said.
“It’s?”
“It’s nothing, honey. Nothing you gotta worry about.”
That didn’t make me any less worried. That thumb on my cheek creeped up higher, until his hand was at the back of my head and he was pulling me right to him again, letting me rest against his chest. It was something. I knew it was something. There had been a lot of distance between the two of us since the road trip started even though I was pretty sure it was supposed to do the opposite to our relationship. He held me tight, and I felt safe and shielded. Like even with the shakiest ground underneath me, I’d still stay standing, because it was him. It was Sawyer.
But my mind was still rushing with thoughts that made me feel a little too anxious. Whatever was on his mind, he was keeping it to himself, locked up tightly and walled up.
He was really good at doing that.
Chapter 20
Sawyer
I woke up the next day wanting to shove my hand into my brain and squeeze it hard and tight. Maybe that would make me think clearer, because yesterday had been a mess I wasn’t expecting. God, this whole trip had been a mess I hadn’t been ready to deal with. It wasn’t meant to be this way. I knew finding a home for me and Holly wasn’t going to be some easy thing, but I didn’t think it’d bethishard. I really thought I’d have it by now. That I could open up that front door, guide her inside, and say, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you in this place.”
That was the dream. The future I wanted to give her. The image, all perfect and warm in my head, had me holding her against my chest tighter as we lay there in bed. I stared down at her, her eyes closed as she let out the softest, little breaths.
We had both calmed down a little after coming back from Bartlett. It had been a stupid fight to begin with, one that existed for different reasons for the both of us. Holly was rightfully pissed because I had been in my head since the trip started.Iwas pissed after that phone call because it had been Mandy calling to tell me that the house in Bartlett that I had my eye on had been bought right then and there as me and Holly stood on the street. Whoever bought it made an offer over the asking price, and the starting price was already a hell of a lot for me.
I hadn’t meant to say all that mean shit to Holly. About New York, about her wanting some big house, about Highland Park. Holly wasn’t like that.Fuck, I knew that too well, and it was an asshole move to throw that in her face. She didn’t care about things like that. Money, mansions, material shit that didn’t mean all that much. She wasn’t that girl.
I held her tighter to me, trying not to move too much. She was still fast asleep, looking as innocent as ever with her slightly parted pouty lips and long dark lashes fluttering that tiny bit. Her hair cascaded around her in gentle waves, her golden skin shimmering like she was made of fucking glitter or something. She was too beautiful. The most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life.
My lips pressed to her forehead, kissing her there softly. I was being too secretive, but how else were you supposed to keep a secret? She didn’t deserve how closed off I had been lately. All the disappearing acts, weird phone calls, sneaky text messages. It would be over soon. Ithadto be over soon—for the both of us, so we could have that life she described to me years ago.
I got up, my movements slow and careful, my eyes fused to Holly’s face to make sure she didn’t wake up. Once I was sure she was sound asleep, I pulled down the sleeve of her shirt—my shirt—that slid up during the night, snatched up a cigarette and my lighter, and moved outside after shutting the door softly behind me.
It was only after seven, probably too early to smoke, but it helped clear my head. The heat had yet to kick in and I was thankful for the cold breeze in the air that almost calmed me down. I stuck the cigarette between my teeth, cupping it with one hand so I could light it before I looked ahead of me. The motel parking lot was still pretty full. I could see a couple people lingering around. Some families hopping into their cars, some people who were on their own sliding into theirs. A lot of people who stayed here lived here. It was the kind of life I was used to. Cheap, bare bones, barely scraping by. The girl in the room behind me was used to the complete opposite. I could have laughed at the sheer difference between us. There were a lot of times where I couldn’t believe that it was Holly that was mine. The rich girl who came from luxury, who had always had everything handed to her, who grew up in a house so big you could get lost in it.
The girl I used to scoff at and say mean shit to and think she was nothing but an uptight, stuck up brat, but she was anything but that. My girl was sweet. Warm. Caring. Trusting. I was the luckiest guy in the world that it was me she gave her love to. I was the one who had that privilege.
Blowing out a puff of smoke, I heard some noise behind me. It was Clara with a washing basket tucked by her hip. Her eyes were a little tired but her smile was big.
“Good morning,” she said. “Watcha doing out here by yourself?”
“Uh…” I didn’t even know. “Thinking.” And stressing. “Just thinking.”
“You seem to do that a lot.” Her eyes narrowed. “Always taking off, huh?”
I sighed. “Has Holly spoke to you about that?”
“She mentions it here and there.” She shrugged. “I don’t know what’s got you so busy, but I hope it’s worth it, because you’ve got her waiting for you.”
My hand gripped the railing in front of me tight. “I don’t want her to do that. Wait for me. That’s not what she’s supposed to be here for. This whole thing was never meant to be so messy. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time with her. A lot of the time I’m just… doing it day by day, you know? There’s no manual for loving a rich girl. Someone should write that shit.Ishould write that shit. I might be an expert now.”
Clara snorted. “Well, she seems to like it here. Likes the people.”
