Page 134 of Your Sharpest Edge
“But it’s good to talk about,” I added.
She nodded. “It is, but I can deal with it at therapy. I need to focus on Damien. I need to focus on work, and I really want to give this last piece to you so I know what it feels like to be free.”
I nodded like I understood, and in a way, I did.
“What scares you, Alex?”
“Ending up like my mother,” I admitted softly, grabbing my skates from her and trying to keep my focus trained on them.
“Tell me.” Her hand went to my thigh, and she gave me a squeeze.
I didn’t look up at her. I didn’t like talking about my family, but ending up like my mom was my biggest fear.
“I talk to her every couple of weeks on the phone, but when I do, I feel like somehow I’m still like her. It was worse before...”
“Tell me.” She encouraged me. “Tell me all of it.”
I closed my eyes, replaying the truth in my mind. “I was young, pressured by my family to be the best. Dimitri was on the rival team, and he was always better.” I sighed, knowing she was already familiar with this part of my story. “But it wasn’t the pressure from my parents pushing me athletically; I also felt an obligation to earn a lot of money to help her out financially.”
“Tell me more.” Anastasia looked up at me with her big blue eyes.
“You know about my mom, I told you about her, but I guess I never...”
I’d never spoken my fears aloud. I told Anastasia about my mother and the reason I never made a move on her, but I never delved deep into what that meant.
“I don’t want to be in a relationship like the one she has with my dad. I don’t want to feel used or hurt like she did. I don’t want to rely on anyone, but I pushed everyone away instead.” I turned back to my skates and laced them up, not looking at her while I spoke. “This was the first year, since you, that I actually let someone call me a friend. The first time Ledger invited me over and he didn’t have to shove me into his apartment.”
I paused. “Honestly, even with Dirks, things have changed since you came into my life. We became closer, more like friends than guys fooling around and chasing girls.”
She smiled. “I know what you did when I wasn’t around, and I don’t blame you for it. I’m glad you found deeper connections with people.”
I nodded. “I always felt like I was destined to end up like my mom, constantly hurt by the people I loved, like my father did to her.”
“You’ll never be like them, but I can see why you’d feel that way.” She paused and closed the distance between us. “Let me show you how much you mean to me.”
She stood up in her skates as I finished tying mine.
I lifted her over the boards and onto the ice, my voice hesitant as I asked again, “Are you sure about this?”
“Yes. This is the last thing he tried to take away from me and Damien. I want to reclaim it.”
My heart fractured into a hundred little pieces. I understood what she was doing because I was doing the same. We were bothtrying to mend something very broken. Even though the edges would remain jagged and held together with glue, the pieces were finding their way back to the rest of the puzzle.
49
stassi
I took a deep breath and held onto the sideboards. This was the first time I’d put my skates on. I’d gone through years of therapy, but nothing felt more therapeutic than this moment right here.
So much about the ice felt like home. It was such a nostalgic feeling, but as I turned around, I realized my view of what home was had changed completely. Home wasn’t this ice. It was the man behind me—the one who loved me with all his heart.
He carefully skated so he was next to me. “Do you need a hand?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“I was so young when I skated, and like you, I was forced to do this. I was forced to have chemistry with my best friend. I was forced to spend days not eating so I’d be able to fit into my costumes before the events. My mother told me when I was eighteen that I’d need to move to America, find myself a husband who made a lot of money because I was close to retirement, and then what? No one ever educated me on whatother careers I’d be able to do in order to support myself. When I met Dimitri, I felt so fucking lost.”
I hesitated, hating speaking about this part of myself. “I was so sad, but I didn’t know I was depressed back then. I thought I had no choice, Alex. I thought Dimitri was the best option for a washed-up figure skater who came from Russia to the States.”
