Page 79 of Your Sharpest Edge
My smile turned down. “So it was all out of pity? To keep me safe?” I threw my hands on my hips.
“No.” He closed the distance between us again but didn’t reach out for me, waiting for me to make the first move. “No. It was because I couldn’t get enough of you, malyshka. I wanted to be around you. I stopped going out and would sit and wait for you. I wanted to be near you, even if it was only for a few hours every few days, but it meant so much more to me. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was doing something wrong, as if I was somehow forcing you to leave him.”
I shuffled my feet. He was right. I would never forget the night he told me, “I’d never hurt you.”
He reached out this time, and I took his hands, letting my fingers interlace with his.
“I know. But I tried to avoid you because life was already hard enough out here. I could have reached out to you, but I didn’t because I wasn’t sure I could handle this conversation.” I paused. “I’m still so broken, Alex. It took five years of therapy just to get to this point. There was a time when I couldn’t walk or hold my child properly, and I even considered taking a few extra pain meds, hoping it might put me back into that coma?—”
“But Damien.” Alex squeezed my hands.
“Exactly,” I responded quietly. “That’s why I didn’t do it, but I wanted to. I still have times when I’m so depressed about how my life ended up. I worked an entire career only to have it taken away from me by a man who was supposed to love and cherish me.”
“If you’re still broken then I’d be broken in love with you, Anastasia.”
I shook my head, tears falling down my cheeks. “I can’t be there in a way that you deserve. I don’t know how to open up, and there’s so much I missed that I still want to explore.”
“I understand,” he said. “Can I walk you home?”
“Please.”
We started back to my apartment, which was only a few blocks away. It was dark as we walked, his hand never leaving mine.
“I get why you’d want to explore. You were so young when you got married and?—”
I tugged on his hand, forcing us to stop mid-step.
“Yes, exactly. There was so much I didn’t get to experience.” The thoughts I’d been trying to express all night finally made sense. “Like, I have no idea what it’s like to be eaten out. Sometimes I think about watching porn and wonder, what if I wanted to be with a girl? I never got to try that.”
Realizing what I’d just said, I quickly let go of his hand and covered my mouth. Those were definitely supposed to be inside thoughts. In my excitement at finally feeling understood, I think I word vomited everywhere.
“I can’t believe I said that out loud. I was excited that someone finally understood where I was coming from, and then that just slipped out because my roommate was talking about dating and...”
When I dared a glance at Alex, he was grinning from ear to ear before he burst into hysterical laughter.
“Anastasia,” he said, coming closer and wrapping his arms around my waist, “we can explore those things together. I want you, but if you want to explore being with a woman, we can do that together.”
“Stop it.” I shoved my shoulder at him. “You don’t actually mean that.”
He stopped. “No.” His tone was serious, and his eyes bored into mine. “I am being serious. I want you. I want to explore with you. I want to help you find that power within yourself.”
“But—” I hesitated. “Is that something you’d find... attractive?”
The corners of Alex’s mouth twisted into a devious smirk. “Fuck, yeah. Imagine how sexy it would be with your lips?—”
I playfully slapped his arm. “You’re incorrigible.”
He couldn’t really help me explore that part of me... could he?
We linked our hands together again and walked a few blocks in silence.
“Did you ever get a chance to reach out to your old roommate after... everything?” Alex asked.
“Yeah. I did. I told her what happened, but she was already at state championships and was busy, so our lives kind of drifted in different directions. It was hard for me to do anything when I was going to doctor appointments every day.”
“I thought he had to pay you in civil court too,” Alex said, but I could tell he was trying to pry without outright asking.
“Yeah. He did, but it cost so much to have a babysitter when my mom needed to bring me to an appointment and kids weren’t allowed, plus all the medical bills because I lost my insurance when he got fired from the team. It was super complicated, but yeah, it all went to my medical bills.”
