Page 17 of Your Biggest Downfall
He looked around, then turned and grabbed my hand, pushing me through the room and toward a set of doors. We stepped outside onto a huge balcony, a giant daybed in themiddle. It was full of pillows, and holy hell, with the breeze coming from the lake, it was the perfect evening.
“I love this spot,” Austin said as I looked at all the lights twinkling in the distance.
“Wow. This is impressive. My second-story walk-up has nothing on this.”
“Sit with me?”
How could I say no when he was grinning at me like a kid who had lost their first tooth?
“Of course.”
I walked to the daybed and plopped down on my back, close to Austin since he had taken up the majority of the space. Our heads were touching, our legs dangling on opposite sides.
“Hey, Supernova,” he whispered.
I turned my head, and our noses were almost touching. This close, I could see a sprinkle of freckles along his nose, his stubble along his jawline, and his thick full lips. I saw the man that held me this morning when I’d had a shitty day.
“Why have you been so weird with me this season?” I asked.
He closed his eyes. “Fuck,” he groaned. “I think I’m too drunk for this conversation.”
“Oh, no, you’re not,” I insisted. “You’re having this conversation whether or not you want to. We were cool last season, and I thought we were friends, but then this year, you got weird.”
“I don’t know, Nova. You’re too good for me. If you follow me, then I’m afraid I’ll bring you down. I don’t need anyone this good in my space.”
Another sad thing he said in the last few minutes. Maybe hockey’s golden boy had deeper secrets than I’d ever imagined.
“Is it because of your mom and the baby?” Everyone knew what had happened with Ledger, the Ravens’s former captain, and Austin’s mom, Auburn.
“God, fuck,” Austin groaned as he tilted his head away from mine and looked up at the sky. “Everything is about my mom and the fucking baby, but no, that’s not why I pushed you away. I fucking told you. I’m a shitty person, and I was going to drag you down.”
I shook my head. “You’re not a shitty person,” I said gently. “I’ve missed being your friend, Austin. I’ve missed walking to our cars together after practice and the plane rides to games. After today, I realized I missed... you.”
He turned so his head was back to facing mine. “Tell me a secret, Supernova. Tell me something no one knows.”
I sighed, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes as a strange sense of relief washed over me. The weight on my shoulders seemed to ease, leaving me exposed but not in a vulnerable or frightening way. There was a sense of safety, a quiet comfort in this space with Austin. “My mom is dying of cancer, and it’s selfish, but sometimes I wish I could escape for a few hours and not have to deal with any of it.” Pausing, I turned my head to check if Austin was still with me. His eyes, though glazed, were focused on me with an intensity that told me he was listening.
“I had no idea,” he whispered.
“No one on the team does, except for Luna.”
“Then that’s not a secret.” His lips curled into a sad smile.
It was one of the reasons I didn’t tell people about my mom’s diagnosis. I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want to be some sort of burden as the girl with the dying mom. I hated it.
“The part about escaping is. Luna, my mom, and aunt think I have it all together, but I don’t. I’ve never wanted to fucking leave everything behind so desperately in my entire life. I’m exhausted from living, but it makes me feel mad and sad thatI even have to say that aloud because my mom doesn’t have a choice. It’s being taken away from her.”
We sat there in silence as my chest rose and fell a few times too fast. I looked down at the bottle of tequila, sat up, and took a swig. This time it burned, and I coughed all over. My head was spinning, and I realized maybe I was already escaping.
“I get it,” Austin said, still lying there. “I get it because I feel the same way. I have all this shit given to me. I’m in the fucking championship for the damned National Hockey League. I’m so close to getting thatCon my sweater, but for some reason, I don’t want it.”
I lay back down, slowly because everything was starting to spin a little.
“This is such sad stuff to talk about at a party.”
Austin laughed. Now it was my turn to be embarrassed, because I had definitely said an inside thought out loud.
“I’m glad you came tonight, Supernova.”
