Page 40 of Your Biggest Downfall
“Nova. Stop,” Austin screamed.
I turned around, tears falling down my cheeks. “What?” I screamed, but no one heard me over the music.
He closed the distance between us.
“Everything we did was consensual. I agreed to it. It’s fine.” I huffed.
“You’re a virgin...” He trailed off like somehow that answered whatever question he had in his head.
I shrugged, turned around, and spotted Luna by the bar. As if we were somehow telepathic, she turned around just at that moment, and I mouthed, “Help,” hoping she’d understand.
She was already walking toward me when I turned back to Austin. “I was.”
15
nova
Luna insisted on bathing me while I bawled and poured out every detail of what had happened earlier. The bath in our apartment was tiny, and I was cramped with my knees to my chest. She stayed silent, which was so unlike her, but I needed that silence more than anything.
As she poured hot water over me, it mingled with my tears, and the pain of what had happened cut through me like a knife. I felt raw and exposed. The shame was inescapable.
I was empty. I had wanted to believe that he could make me feel alive, that he could pull me out of the darkness. But the truth was, no one could save me from this. I had kept so much hidden, especially the stuff about my mom and the feelings that came with all of that.
The memory of Austin fumbling with his pants, his voice filled with surprise when he discovered the truth, played on a loop in my mind. I had let myself get caught up in the fantasy, ignoring the reality of who he was and what this was.
“I lost my virginity in a bathroom to some fuck boy,” I cried.
Luna gently scrubbed my back, her touch soft and reassuring. A pang of guilt hit me for pulling her into this mess. She didn’t deserve to deal with my broken pieces. But as shecontinued to wash away the remnants of the night, her silence was a form of understanding, a way of saying that she was there for me without judgment.
Luna wrapped me in a soft towel and guided me to my bed in the living room.
“Scoot over,” she whispered.
She grabbed my favorite muumuu and slipped it over my head and onto my arms, then she sat beside me. I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself.
“For what it’s worth, I believe Austin might care about you, considering you tend to make questionable choices around him, and he’s always there to pick up the pieces afterward.”
I scoffed. “This isn’t his fault. It was consensual.”
“I know,” she cooed and coiled my curls around her fingers. “But whenever you’re with him, it feels like you’re doing things that are so extreme for your character.”
“Hmm...” I added, not wanting to cry anymore.
“I love that you’re drinking and partying, but you went from being a novice to getting blasted in the same night. That same week, you’re out here doing coke.”
I slumped my shoulders and sighed. “I know.” Regret was eating me alive.
“I only reiterate this because I want to make sure you’re okay. It feels like you’re in a downward spiral.”
“I’m not okay,” I sniffled. “I am not okay. Everything is failing, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do about rent if I don’t get a permanent position. Let’s top off the fact my mother has cancer and?—”
I bawled, and Luna reached out to hold me. “It’s a lot.”
My body shook as I cried in her arms.
When I stopped, she pulled away and stroked my cheek. “Do you like him?”
“Yeah. I like the way he makes me feel, but it’s just the drugs and booze. It’s not?—”
