Page 5 of Your Biggest Downfall
So, I was surprised he was standing in the lobby of the arena holding me and not running to whatever party he was always hosting at his apartment.
“Sorry,” I said, shaking my head, realizing he was waiting for me to respond. “I didn’t...”
I didn’t know why I hesitated or why I was suddenly nervous. Logically, it made sense—I had just broken down in front of someone who didn’t particularly like spending time with me. But deep down, it felt even more intense. In front of Austin, I felt vulnerable, as if he had somehow stripped me bare and raw. It was like he could see through all my defenses, and that scared me more than anything. But Austin was just another guy on the team. He’d get traded, and hopefully, I’d get more of a permanent position.
“I didn’t know you were here,” I finally said, completing my thought and diverting the conversation away from my embarrassment.
He gave me a slight smile, and I felt bad for freaking out.
“Sorry you had to see that. My boss just asked me to get her a coffee, and I think I lost it.”
His smile faded as he took a deep breath. “I saw the last few videos you posted go viral. I’m proud of you for connecting the hockey book world with the team.”
My heart swelled with pride. “Thank you. I wish everyone would feel the same way.”
He leaned closer to me, nudging me on the shoulder. “I see it, Nova. I always see you.”
The blush crept onto my cheeks, and I hated that whenever I got embarrassed, my face broadcasted it for everyone else to see. “Do you? See me? Because for the last year, you’ve been ignoring me.”
“I know.” He ran a hand through his curls. “I was a dick. It’s complicated. I’m complicated, and sometimes it’s easier to just let it go.”
I had no idea what he meant, and at this point, after being ignored most of the year, I didn’t think we even had a friendship anymore. “I should go. Get that coffee and all.”
“Yeah.”
I took a step to the side and then turned to walk away from him, but he held his hand out to stop me. “Why don’t you ever join us at our parties? I know the guys have invited you out after the game. Is it your... boyfriend?”
He was fishing. This time, it was my turn to laugh. “No. No boyfriend to control me, thank fuck.”
“Control you?” Austin held a hand to his heart, feigning hurt like I had wounded him deeply. His eyes widened in mock offense, and he staggered back a step as if my words had physically struck him. “The male population would never dare.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Really?”
“Ha. Okay. You have a point, but I wouldn’t if that’s any consolation.”
“Austin.” I stopped him. “You know why I don’t come to the parties. You made it abundantly clear that you don’t want me there.”
He never answered my messages after what he confessed at the retirement party. I figured he was either too drunk to remember what he said or he didn’t care. After a few more tries of reaching out about work, he never responded, so I got the hint.
He shook his head. “I just thought—fuck,” he grumbled. “I want you there. Would it make a difference if I said I really wanted you to be there?”
I shook my head. “I really have to go.”
“I’ll walk you out?”
“Sure. Okay.”
Truthfully, I missed my friendship with Austin. I’d been feeling somewhat guilty lately because, since my mom’sdiagnosis and then her lack of getting better, I felt like Luna had been the recipient of my trauma dumping, which wasn’t fair to her. I could use a friend, and like I said, Austin always seemed to be there until the night of the party last year
“You know,” Austin said as we walked in step toward the big doors and out to the parking lot, “I have to admit, you may be onto something.”
“Oh, yeah?” I grabbed a pair of sunnies from my purse and slipped them on as we walked down to the end of the lot where the staff parked. “In what way?”
“When my mom married Ledger, it was like she forgot about me. He’s a good guy, nothing dramatic or anything, but I get what you mean about feeling controlled. That’s why I never want to fall in love with anyone—I feel like you end up losing a part of yourself in the process.”
Holy freaking shit. It was like he reached into my mind and pulled out the very thoughts I’d been struggling with for years.
The constant disappointment, the fear of losing myself in a relationship, the way love seemed to demand more than it gave—all the things I had said to myself in the dark, secret corners of my mind, he had voiced out loud. It was both unsettling and strangely comforting to know that someone else understood exactly what I had been feeling. He had always been like that though. He always knew what to say even when I didn’t have the right words.
