Page 42 of Your Biggest Downfall
“Yeah, but that isn’t the fucking point here, Austin.” She seethed through gritted teeth. “You’re not understanding that she deserves so much more than that. Even if she wasn’t, you shouldn’t be doing blow off her ass in the bathroom with her. Treat her with respect.”
I blinked a few times and stepped back at her words, my guilt crashing down on me. Tears threatened to form again, but I couldn’t cry in front of her. I felt awful, like I had betrayed everything Nova believed about me. Despite my efforts to hold back, I wasn’t in full control of my body. Even with how fast I was blinking, wetness collided with my cheeks. I stepped away, unable to bear the shame, when Luna’s posture softened, her eyes reflecting a mixture of empathy and concern.
“Austin,” she said, her voice softer.
She pushed the door open a little more, and I saw her. Nova. She looked so small and frail. She was standing behind Luna in the kitchen. Her hair was pulled up into a messy bun.
Luna turned around and walked away, and I dropped my gaze to the floor. My heart splintered with each passing second,the fallout of my choices squeezing me like a vise. I had made my friend feel like this—hurt, uncertain, maybe even regretful. It was my fucking fault. I didn’t even know if I could still call her a friend. We had crossed a line, and I couldn’t shake the fear that we’d broken something we couldn’t fix.
I liked kissing her, but that probably crossed the boundary of whatever this was.
Damn it. Don’t be dumb.
She’d never talk to me again. If I could get her to sit and listen to me. If I could tell her I didn’t know what I was supposed to do in these situations.
I lifted my hand to my cheek.Why was it getting wetter by the second?
I coughed a few times, trying to hold my emotions back. “Sorry,” I said to Luna. “This was... Fuck, this is embarrassing.”
“Let him in,” Nova said from behind Luna.
Luna nodded at me before stepping away from the door.
Seeing Nova fully now, I wasn’t sure if it was better or worse. She had taken off her makeup from earlier. Her eyes were red, and she looked so tired. Her arms were wrapped around her body, and she was wearing an oversized shirt that covered most of her tattoos.
“Why are you here, Austin?” she asked. Her voice was raspier, like she’d cried or screamed so much that her vocal cords were raw.
“Supernova,” I said softly. I took a hesitant step toward her, pushing off the doorframe.
Her eyes moved up and down, scanning my body. Whatever she saw, I didn’t want to know. Splintered, embarrassed, and small—like a child, despite all the effort put into being seen as an adult.
“You’re crying,” she whispered as she uncrossed her arms and came toward me. “Come inside before my neighbors start pulling out their phones.”
I nodded, taking a slow, deliberate step inside. This felt good. It was like I was making progress.
I walked in, turned around, and shut the door. It took me a moment longer than I’d expected to turn back around, and she was standing in the middle of the kitchen, arms back to being crossed over her chest.
“Why are you here?” she repeated.
“I didn’t know.” I kept my voice as steady as I could. “I didn’t know, and that’s not an excuse, but I’m fucked up in the head, Supernova.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, wanting another drink. I was far too fucking sober for this conversation, and the stabbing pain in my chest yearned to be numbed.
Two arms wrapped around my waist as her warm body pressed against mine.
“I don’t deserve this,” I whispered as I leaned down and pressed my face into her hair.
“You don’t,” she responded, and I chuckled quietly.
“I don’t feel good,” I said into her hair. I was lost in her tangle of curls.
“You need to get your head in a better space, Austin.” She pulled away and looked up at me with her deep, curious eyes.
“I am so sorry,” I repeated. “I thought the other night, when you told me about your mom, I thought I was giving you an escape. I thought I understood what you wanted.”
“There has to be something deeper. You’re at my door, crying. Tell me why.” She tugged on my shirt.
I didn’t know why. I just knew I was in a downward spiral and had been for the last few years. My mind was a whirlwindof emotions. I was drowning in my own inadequacies, unable to breathe or find a way out.
