Page 54 of Your Biggest Downfall
Luna had come from work at the yoga studio down the street where she taught pilates classes. She worked for an international pilates company and traveled teaching classes to instructors. She was dressed in a matching mauve set that hugged her frame, the color complementing her sun-kissed skin. Her blonde hairwas pulled up into a ponytail, a few loose strands framing her face.
Sitting there, looking out at the busy street, a small sense of peace settled in, easing the tension a little. The sun was bright, the day was warm, and for a moment, I allowed myself to just be.
Luna glanced at me with a knowing smile. “You needed this,” she said softly.
I smiled back. “I did.”
“How is therapy going?” she asked.
“I’ve been going twice a week now. I think it’s helping, truthfully.” I paused. “I also go once every other week to the NA friends and family support group, which seems to be helpful.” I lowered my voice at the end in case anyone around us heard.
Luna smiled and reached across the table. I put my hand in hers, and she folded her fingers over mine. “I’m so proud of you.”
I thought about it for a second. A month ago, I’d be mad and disappointed that my life had come here, but a lot can happen in a month.
“I’m proud of myself,” I answered honestly. “Even last night when we went out, I just was myself.”
I’d learned I was on a journey and had to give myself grace sometimes. Oftentimes, I felt like I was staring up at the hypothetical tree of my life, and my therapist showed me that I needed to focus on one leaf at a time. The tree was overwhelming, but if I could nurture the leaves, then the roots of the tree would learn to grow again.
“I’m doing this for me. and it feels good to make myself a priority.”
Luna frowned. “Even though Iris still isn’t letting up?”
I rolled my eyes. Luna was always looking out for me, which I appreciated, but I’d learned that Iris was too, in her own way. “I told you there might be an opportunity soon to work for anotherteam as an official social media PR manager, so I’m biding my time.”
Luna let go of my hand and ran her fingers through her ponytail. “Yes. I know. Okay.”
She looked out the window, then back at me. I could feel her anxiety from here.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Nothing.” She shrugged.
“Spill it, dude.”
“You know it’s about to be thirty days since...” Luna said softly.
We hadn’t talked about him since that night. Aside from my therapist, I didn’t share anything at all. In therapy, I mostly stuck with the topic of how I felt so much shame from that night and everything that had happened the next day.
But I didn’t tell anyone about the single letter he sent me a couple weeks ago. I didn’t tell anyone that I practically had it memorized and could recite it if asked because I read it every single night.
Nova,
I don’t even know where to begin, but I need to start with saying I’m so sorry. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what happened, and the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I hurt you. I know I need to make amends, and that’s why I’m here—I’m committed to becoming better for you. You pushed me when I couldn’t push myself, and I’m doing this for you, because you believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself.
I’m working on myself to be better for the team, for the people who matter most to me, and especially for you. I’m coming back stronger, and I hope you’ll see that when I return. I miss you so much, Nova. Not just what we had that night, but our friendship. I miss talking to you, laughing with you, just being around you. You’ve been on my mind every single day, and it’s made me realize how much you mean to me.
I know I have a lot to make up for, and it won’t be easy, but I want to try. I want to make things right between us, and I hope you’ll give me the chance to show you how serious I am about this. Thank you for being there for me, even when I didn’t deserve it. I’m looking forward to seeing you again, and I hope you’ll let me apologize in person.
Miss you more than you know.
Love,
Austin
I remembered the first thing that struck me after reading the letter was how he signed it—Love, Austin. This was the second time he’d said those words. It made me pause, wondering what that meant. Did he sign every letter like that, or was it somethingmore? Each time I recited those words, they tugged at something deep inside me.
The note was so vivid in my mind, as if I could picture the way his pen dragged out then’s a little longer than usual, or how the rushed dots over hisi’s seemed hurried and impatient.
