Page 58 of Your Biggest Downfall
Beneath my words, the deeper meaning was clear: Don’t pull away from me. Don’t run. The fear of losing her gripped me, andI needed her to understand—I wasn’t just asking her to stay; I was begging her not to leave me behind.
Her chest rose and fell rapidly as her breathing intensified. “You— I—I can’t do this.”
She turned away from me, and as much as I wanted to reach out, turn her around and kiss away all the pain again, she needed her space.
I sighed and shoved my sunglasses back on. “I have a meeting tomorrow with the staff. They found out I got out early and organized it.”
“Good,” she murmured but still faced away from me. I needed her to turn around for one second. “Why did you get out a day early?”
I shrugged, debating whether or not I should tell her the truth. “I checked myself out earlier. Figured everything would just be admin stuff on the last day.”
The truth was a little more in depth than that. I wanted to leave early, and when given the opportunity, I took it because I wasn’t an addict.
“Okay, then.”
I didn’t want to leave. I was stalling. “Nova,” my voice softened. “Please.”
I went to rehab for her. I got better for her. Why wasn’t she turning around? Couldn’t she see that I was getting better? I was clean and sober.
My rapid-fire thoughts swirled in my brain. We never got closure from the night I took her virginity. I never got to make it up to her, and I thought if I went to rehab, worked the steps and got clean, I could come back a better man for her. I worked on myself so I could be open to falling for her. I needed her in my life like I needed air to survive.
“I know there’s so much we need to talk about. Will you sit down and talk to me?” I asked as she crossed her arms in front of her chest.
“I need more . . . time,” she whispered.
“Time,” I repeated. “More time.”
I didn’t understand. She was always there for me when I needed her most. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath and holding it in. I looked down. My hands were trembling.
No. Not now.
I needed a drink—so badly that my body was playing tricks on me. I shoved my hands into my pockets, realizing that things with Nova were going nowhere. I had to get back and work out a plan with my sponsor to regain control over this situation.
“Okay,” I muttered. “Maybe I’ll see you around the arena tomorrow.” I hung my head shamefully.
I owed it to her to become a better person. I didn’t want to be the guy who fucked girls in bathrooms while doing coke off their asses. Nova didn’t deserve that. She was all things good. She worked hard, and she’d always put me and the team first. She deserved respect. She had a lot going on in her life, balancing work and her sick mother...
Her mom.
Before I turned to go, I shifted my eyes to her back. “Hey,” I said softly. “How’s your mom doing?”
For a long moment, she said nothing, and I didn’t dare move. The only sounds were the distant hum of passing cars and the occasional chirping of a bird.
Slowly, ever so slowly, Nova turned around. Her eyes were wide, tears streaking down her cheeks. I ached to reach out and pull her into my arms.
She cleared her throat. “She’s stable,” Nova said quietly. Then she added, “Thanks for asking.”
I nodded. “Of course.”
I sighed, wanting—needing—to say more but knowing that now wasn’t the time. She still needed space, and I had to respect that.
I turned to go, opening the car door and casting one last glance over my shoulder, silently hoping she’d stop me. She was staring up at me, so I gave her a demure smile before piling into the car.
“Home?” the driver asked.
I gazed back as we pulled away. No, I wasn’t going home. Because home was standing on that concrete sidewalk right outside this car. We weren’t going home, not yet.
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