Page 60 of Your Biggest Downfall
I closed my eyes. “I don’t know, Aunt Emma. I think you’re right. With everything Mom’s been through, which I don’t want to downplay, I guess I’m trying to figure things out for myself.”
I looked out the window at the bustling city below us. There was so much life out there, but inside here, it felt heavy and exhausting. It had been too much—one blow after another, each one harder to bear than the last. I didn’t need to explain it to Aunt Emma; she already knew the story. But the sadness, the heaviness of it all, was too much to keep inside.
“Emma, it’s been a hell of a year,” I said, my voice low, almost as if I was afraid the words might break me. “Everything I thought I knew... it’s all been turned upside down.”
She nodded, her eyes filled with understanding. “I know, honey. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this.”
“I keep thinking about Mom,” I continued, my throat tightening. “For so long, I thought she had... made a mistake, had a one-night stand. But to find out she was raped... I... I can’t stop thinking about all the pain she’s been carrying, how she never let on, never showed me how much it hurt.”
Emma tightened her hand around mine, offering silent support.
“And then there’s Grandma,” I went on, feeling the bitterness rise in my chest. “I grew up thinking she was our rock, our anchor. But now I see she was manipulating us, twisting everything to suit her needs. She’s a narcissist, Emma, and it feels like every memory I have of her is tainted now. Like I’m seeing everything through a different lens, and it hurts so much more than I thought it would.”
Emma sighed, her expression softening. “I know it’s hard. It’s like everything you trusted has been ripped away.”
“Exactly,” I said, my voice cracking. “This past year... I’ve learned too much, too fast. The things I thought I knew about my life, about the people I loved—it’s all been turned on its head. And I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I drank to escape. It was the only thing that made the noise stop, the only thing that made it all seem bearable, even if only for a little while. I was so damn tired of being me, of living with all this shit I never asked for.”
Emma reached over, her hands warm around mine. “You don’t have to carry this all by yourself, you know. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know,” I whispered, grateful for her presence. “But it’s so fucking hard. I’m trying to put the pieces back together, to move forward, but some days... some days it feels like I’m drowning in all this pain and confusion, and I don’t know how to keep my head above water.”
Emma squeezed my hand gently, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “You’re stronger than you know.”
I shook my head, the words spilling out before I could stop them. “I messed up after losing the championship game. Ledger and Mom told me they were proud, but I can’t shake the feeling it’s just a facade. Deep down, I know they’re disappointed. I felt it—the way the air shifted between us.”
Emma’s brows knitted in concern, but she stayed quiet, letting me continue.
“I went out after the game and then with...” My throat tightened, and I dropped my gaze to my shoes, the shame building.
“With who?”
“No one,” I muttered, but she wasn’t convinced.
“The girl in the photo?”
I looked up, debating telling the truth. I could tell her, but then it may get back to my mom, and I didn’t need them connecting Nova to the girl in the photo. Because the girl whose ass I was doing coke off wasn’t the girl who stole my heart. I wasn’t that guy either.
“No.” I sighed and realized I could tell her a version of the truth. “I like this girl at work... a lot, but after that night, I fucked up.”
Emma nodded. “Yeah, that photo would probably mess it up.” Emma giggled, and I playfully swatted at her. “Do you love her?”
Yes.
My initial thought was I absolutely loved her, with all my heart, but I was terrified that I’d already messed up and there was no way to come back from it. “She was my friend before all that happened. I fucked up because I thought I was helping her, but?—”
“Doing blow off someone’s ass isn’t helping any relationship, Austin,” Emma said sternly.
“I know,” I agreed with a sigh. “I was trying, but I kept failing.”
“If you love her, Austin, keep moving in the right direction. Take it slow. Fall in love like a Midwest fall.”
“A Midwest fall?” I asked, confused.
“Yeah,” she said with a smile. “When fall arrives in the Midwest, even though it only lasts a month, maybe two if we’re lucky, everyone seems to slow down. We know winter is coming and that life is about to get more complicated, but we take it slow and savor the season.”
“Fall in love like fall,” I repeated with a chuckle.
“Exactly.” Emma took a long sip from her water. “But what do I know? I’ve never been in love.”
