Page 14 of Fatally Yours
“No…”
“Well, what the hell?” Scott said.
“I thought things would go differently,” she whined. “It worked for me, but I wasn’t trying to resurrect someone…” Just as Wes opened his mouth, the tears I had been holding back the entire night erupted, and my legs gave out beneath me. My head fell between my shoulders as I pressed my palms to my heated face, feeling my cheeks dampen with sadness.
“Oh, man…” Wes said. I could imagine him putting his hands to the sides of his face, but I couldn’t see through the blur of my emotions. Mandy rushed to me, collapsing beside my crumpled form and placing her hand on my back in a pitiful attempt to comfort me. It wasn’t her fault, but I couldn’t help the outburst.
“I’m sorry.” She pressed her head to my shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Natasha.”
VI
The guilt of my previous actions was not lost on me. I felt terrible for trying to bring back August and betraying Devin. All I wanted to do was get rid of this feeling by drinking until I passed out like I did while I was grieving, but I knew that wouldn’t make anything better. It was eating me alive. I didn’t think I got a full night’s sleep since we did the act, even if it was a resounding failure.
Devin was sitting beside me with his eyes fixed on the flashing screen in front of us. He rented a sci-fi horror movie, but my mind was too occupied to pay much attention to it. I think an alien life form was replacing people, but the only thing on my mind was how lovely it would be if extraterrestrialscame and scraped me off the face of this Earth.
My face rested on the arm of the couch as darkness enveloped us. Rain was rhythmically tapping against the windowpanes, and every so often, a bright flash or a low rumble slipped through the chaos of the movie. The simple sound stirred my soul.
The unfilled silences were deafening, besides the exacerbated voices coming from the TV, crying out about extraterrestrials and people being different. It would be nice if I were different, wouldn’t it? Then I could pretend I hadn’t kicked my boyfriend—if that was really what I wanted to call him—to the curb for a corpse. A corpse that was still currently in the ground, unaffected by the desecration we committed. Maybe we could move on and be happy if I were different. That was all I ever wanted, right?
There wasn’t much I could do to remedy this situation besides take Mandy’s advice and try to appease him. I could tell by the quiet that things were not well between us. Maybe if I did something nice for him, or at least said something, I would feel like I made up for my secret, and I could stop feeling so rotten about what we did. Something that still hurt because it didn’t work, even if it was outrageous.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I grabbed the remote and turned down the volume. Devin eyed me, but I knew he was expecting something negative just by his expression. Sucking in a breath, I grabbed his hand and his brow arched like this was unusual behavior. Because, in reality, it was. I couldn’t remember the last time I touched him without being prompted, if I had at all. With August, I never had a problem doing it, but Devin wasn’t him, and I was going to have to learn to live with that.
“Listen, I know things have been tough between us recently, and I’m sorry about that,” I said. “It’s been tough for me. I’ve never had anyone that significant in my life die, especially in front of me.” I kept my gaze down, unable to make eye contact with him since we attempted to resurrect August. The emotions I felt were terrible, even if I knew he didn’t treat me right. Even if I doubted he cared, I still felt that creeping guilt.
“I appreciate you being patient with me, and I know we argue and fight a lot, but I do care about you. And I appreciate you putting up with me.”I felt my throat close up. In no world would I have ever had to have this conversation with August. Even when he made me want to pull my hair out in frustration, I would’ve never thought he hated me. Maybe I was just being dramatic, but sometimes I thought Devin genuinely loathed me. There was no reality in which August would’ve allowed such a thought to cross my mind.
“I hope we can move past this and have a happy life together, even if it’s going to be difficult. I hope you stick by me,” I said, trying to hide the crackling in my voice. It hurt to say. I wanted this with August, not someone who held such resentment towards me. This should’ve never happened, but here we were. I didn’t think I would ever be normal again.
Devin smiled, but I wasn’t sure it was genuine. “Thank you for that.” His expression faded faster than I would’ve liked. “I know things have been tough for you, but I still love you. I’ve always loved you.” My toes curled, but I stayed silent. I didn’t like hearing that. It made me think he only stuck around because he was waiting for me to ditch August. But I kept my mouth shut, hoping not to ruin this moment like I had so many others.
“And you’re a strong girl,” he said. “You’ll get through this. I know you will.” My eyes fell. Why was I being so sensitive? This was supposed to give us a fresh start, but my stomach was still in knots.
“T-thank you.” I only said it to pacify him. I couldn’t continue to agitate him like this. It would only end in misery. I would have to leave him if things didn’t get better because this wasn’t healthy for either of us.
My eyes were still averted when Devin placed his hand around my chin, drawing my mouth to his. My heart skipped, but not for the same reason as when I used to kiss August. There wasn’t that spark I felt before, but I continued, only to make him happy. Maybe it was my fault he was always acting so rotten because I felt so awful showing him affection. Maybe if I did something different tonight, then things would actually change.
So I kept my lips to his and pretended like I didn’t feel like my insides were dissolving, keeping up the facade that I was into this when I was the opposite. I wished he were August and that I could feel his lips against mine again. The last time I kissed him, I tasted his blood. It wasn’t fair for that tobe my final memory of him.
I dug my nails into my palms in hopes of distracting myself from his invasive tongue. It felt like I was committing a sin. I was betraying him, wasn’t I? First, I betrayed Devin by trying to resurrect August, and now I was betraying August by kissing Devin. By letting Devin kiss me. Would August even want me after he knew I had betrayed him like that?
I didn’t realize how aggressively I was balling my fists until a noise echoed through the house, making me jump. It wasn’t thunder, and it wasn’t the movie. Devin pulled away from me, and we glanced down the hall. Most of the time, I could ignore the various disturbances that plagued this place, but that was much louder than usual.
“What was that?” he questioned. I shrugged, relieved that something had taken his attention away from me.
“This house makes noise all the time,” I said. “It’s probably nothing.” Using the opportunity to return to the movie, I locked my eyes on the TV, hoping that was enough to make him happy. I couldn’t help but feel like August could see this, like he was watching me and fuming. And he would want to destroy him at the very least, and maybe me.
Wouldn’t he?
“Natasha.” Devin’s voice interrupted my spiraling. My body felt stiff, but I turned to him, hoping to pretend everything was okay. He set his hand on my thigh, and my toes coiled, but I kept my thoughts to myself.
“Kiss me again,” he demanded. My gaze fell, but I nodded.
Just make him happy.
I pinched my eyes shut and pressed my lips to his again, hoping to get it over with. If this was what it took to make him act happy again, then so be it, even if it made me want to strip the skin from my body and pour acid over my pulping organs. But that was nothing compared to the hurt I would be inflicting on August. That was the worst part, even if he wasn’t alive to see it.
Devin’s hand ended up in my lengthy hair, and I felt myself sweat with anticipation. I never felt nervous kissing August, except, of course, for the first few times. Why was this so different? I knew the answer already.
