Page 10 of Sorry, Not Sorry
Polly raised an eyebrow, and Delilah bit her lip and said quietly, ‘Sorry. I meant to ask, what kind of concerns?’
Reaching behind her, Polly picked up a manila folder from the side table and opened it, flipping through a sheaf of papers as she spoke. ‘I’ve printed off some of your notes which I thought we could discuss. Let’s start with the session you had a couple of weeks ago with Sammie Wilson and her fiancé, Ross Diamond.’
Delilah relaxed slightly; she had bent over backwards to support that couple. ‘The session went fine,’ she said firmly. ‘We talked through their communication feedback reports and how to use their learning from the love languages exercise. Sammie has been working hard to get Ross to improve his communication style, although between you and me, I don’t see Ross as someone who’s committed to doing the work. He seems keen on her, though, and at least he’s turned up to the sessions.’
Polly slipped on her glasses and scanned a page. ‘Reading through your notes, you seem to put more focus on Ross’s behaviour than on Sammie’s. Keep in mind they’re seeking our help as a couple, and if our clients think we’re being partial or judgemental, they can feel under attack and shut down, which makes us ineffective. I’m curious about why you’re not challenging Sammie’s perspective more?’
Delilah shifted uneasily on the sofa and stared at the rainbow rug, trying to marshal a defence. Other than remembering she had been exhausted and suffering from a pounding headache that day, her recollections from the session were hazy.
‘It says on Ross’s feedback form that you referenced a past relationship of yours during the session?’ Polly continued.
Delilah’s head jerked upright. ‘What? No, I didn’t!’
‘So you didn’t say something along the lines of…’ Polly flipped over a sheet and read out loud, ‘“I went out with someone emotionally closed off, but I would do things like hold his hand and stroke his arm and hug him, and it made a big difference”?’
Mortified, Delilah remained silent.
‘Delilah, surely I don’t have to remind you that we don’t bring our personal stories into counselling. At the very least, you risk hijacking the session and making it about you, never mind keeping clear boundaries and the ethics of the situation.’
Moving on before Delilah could speak, Polly plucked a sheet from the file and waved it. ‘I went through your report on the session with Rob and Malcolm Turner-Jones. You’re helping them work through their relationship after Malcolm’s affair, right?’
Delilah nodded, keeping tight-lipped until she knew where Polly was going with this.
‘Obviously I wasn’t in the room during the session, but your notes focus a lot on Rob’s feelings and I’m not seeing much here regarding Malcolm and what drove him into the affair. Is this an area you’re helping him explore?’
‘Of course I am, Polly,’ Delilah said with a resigned sigh, wondering if her supervisor planned to pick holes in every one of her client interactions. ‘Malcolm is very sorry about what he did and he’s desperate for Rob to forgive him. We’ve done some exercises to help Malcolm reflect on what he thought was missing in the relationship, but he’s keen for us to support Rob through his feelings of rejection and that’s why we focused on Rob in that session.’
‘But has Malcolm been able to articulate why he felt the need to look elsewhere?’ Polly probed gently. ‘If he’s not clear on his motivation, how will he recognise when he might be in danger of it happening again?’
Delilah groaned silently, feeling distinctly under attack, but Polly didn’t appear to have finished. ‘Okay, so let’s talk about that session you had earlier this week with the Hendersons. Now, I’m going to be candid, after what happened in your previous session, I had thought about reassigning them to another counsellor, but I wanted to give you the opportunity to reset your relationship with them. I appreciate they aren’t the easiest of couples, but I’m still concerned about how you are facilitating their sessions and maintaining boundaries.’
Delilah’s eyebrows shot up. ‘The easiest of couples? Come on, Polly – Brian is a nightmare, and Janine has been a saint to put up with his rules and regulations all these years. If I lived with him, he would have driven me completely up the wall by now!’
Polly’s voice switched from gentle to crisp as peanut brittle. ‘That’s the point, Delilah. Deciding who is right or wrong is not a useful approach to helping a couple. Their relationship isn’t about you, which you should know by now.’
‘I’m not saying it is! I just want Janine to feel confident about setting boundaries for herself. She obviously feels suffocated by Brian and he didn’t want to acknowledge that in the session, so?—’
‘—so you thought you’d do it for him?’
Hearing the incredulity in Polly’s voice, Delilah hesitated. ‘Not – not exactly. Anyway, it’s not just Brian – Janine can be a bit all over the place with her words at times, so occasionally I try to summarise her thoughts?—’
‘—which you should have let her do herself. You can’t do Janine’s work for her; yours is to give them the space and support to work through their situation without judgement.’
Polly referred back to Delilah’s notes. ‘Looking at your notes from this and earlier sessions, you’ve made several references to the husband’s insistence on his wife making him dinner. Have you explored whether acts of service might be his primary love language and if his wife could be encouraged to see it that way or perhaps find a way they might align – or were you just focused on judging him?’
‘Polly, you weren’t there! Despite everything the woman says, it’s so obvious she’s compromising her truth. She’s not getting through to him and all I did was try and help her articulate what Brian didn’t seem to be hearing.’
Polly’s face turned a deep pink, and she sucked in her cheeks and took a breath, looking as close to furious as Delilah could remember. After an anxious few moments, Polly relaxed her face and faced Delilah squarely.
‘These are the sort of challenges you should be raising with me and bringing to your supervision group. Talking of which, how are your supervision sessions going? Before you answer, you should know I’ve checked the attendance logs and from what I can make out, you seem to have skipped almost as many as you’ve attended.’
Polly closed the folder and placed it back on the table before folding her hands in her lap. ‘Del, I’m going to be honest with you.’ She spaced her words out carefully. ‘I know how motivated you are, and I know you desperately want to help people, but our work is to support couples to resolve the challenges in their relationships without projecting our opinions and biases. I understand it’s frustrating to see someone’s pain and feel for them, and we’ve spoken in training about how we can often feel helpless in the face of our clients’ difficulties. However, while you might think you’re being useful, diving in helps no one. If you get it right, your client learns nothing, and if you get it wrong, then you’ve lost their trust. You went through all this at the beginning of your training, and yet you still seem unable to separate your emotions from your clients’ situations and remain within your professional boundaries. A key part of your training when you started this programme was the mandatory therapy sessions. I don’t know how I’ve missed this until now, but you are at least five hours behind your minimum required personal counselling. What’s going on?’
Caught off-guard by the change of topic, Delilah stared at her mutely. Polly was unlikely to see it her way, but Verity, the humourless therapist Delilah had been assigned to for personal counselling, had been completely wrong for her. Her persistent probing had put Delilah’s back up and driven her into a resentful silence. Furthermore, Verity’s tactic of asking questions and then sitting patiently through their allotted hour, as if hoping the weight of the silence would provoke Delilah into responding, had failed miserably. After three virtually silent sessions, Delilah had quietly opted out of attending any more. She had assumed, since Verity hadn’t ratted her out at the time, that the therapist was equally relieved to be spared the hassle.
Polly heaved a deep sigh. ‘Okay, I think I’m seeing a pattern here. Delilah, you have enormous potential as a counsellor, but our first responsibility is to our clients. That means being aware of our own issues and dealing with them – or at least being willing to work on them. Counsellors also need support, which is why we insist they undergo therapy to increase their self-awareness and help them recognise their own vulnerabilities and biases.’
Where is all this going? Delilah shook her head, trying to make sense of Polly’s words swirling around her brain. Crossing her legs, she hugged her knee to her chest, finding a sliver of comfort in the reassuring solidity of her body when her mind seemed unable to focus.
