Page 24 of Sorry, Not Sorry
The winter sunlight flooding through the room made her feel calm and safe, and after only a few sessions together, it felt like she had known Arne for ages. She had become less tense under his scrutiny and super intense attentiveness and had grown accustomed to how he stroked his beard while he was reflecting or tilted his head when she spoke, as if making sure he captured every word. Sigmund, on the other hand, continued to barely acknowledge her and was fast asleep in the other chair.
‘Yes, I would say it has been a very satisfying career so far,’ said Arne. ‘Therapists often get – how do you say it… a poor rap? There is sometimes a perception that we profit from other people’s misery to make a living, whereas we are professionals who only wish to help those living with deep unhappiness or trauma they don’t need to experience.’
Delilah mulled over his response. ‘The reason I ask is because I’ve been thinking a lot about your question in our first session – you know, about my motivation to be a counsellor.’
‘Is that so?’
‘Hmm… and I think the biggest reason is wanting to help couples who can’t communicate properly to work through their issues. I’ve still got a lot to learn but it’s incredibly rewarding when you see people using the tools you’ve taught them to build strong, healthy relationships. But then…’ She paused, and Arne leaned forward.
‘Go on.’
‘When I’m dealing with a couple who obviously shouldn’t be together – you know, like if one person is manipulative or trying to control the other person or seems emotionally abusive, that’s where I struggle to stay impartial.’
‘Because you want to save the person you see as a victim?’
Delilah nodded. ‘That’s what Polly was furious about. But it’s not because I’m trying to be the hero… well, at least I don’t think I am, although I can see why it could come across that way.’
‘You mentioned the satisfaction of giving your clients tools so they can resolve their difficulties themselves. How can they put these into practice if you swoop in to save them?’
Delilah pulled a face and wrapped her arms around her knees. ‘I get it. Instead of empowering them, I’m doing the exact opposite.’
‘Have you wondered why that is?’
‘I feel like I identify with what someone is going through, which is frustrating because then I can’t stop myself wanting to do something about it. Empathy is supposed to be a good thing, but I’m starting to wonder if there’s such a thing as too much empathy.’
Arne’s hands were clasped loosely in his lap while his piercing blue eyes studied her. ‘If by too much empathy you mean you absorb people’s emotions instead of observing them, then my answer would be yes. If we fall back on our own experiences and use that to advocate actions for our clients, we have shifted the focus from what the client needs in order to heal. When you tell your client “I feel your pain”, it puts you at the centre and sends a different message from “I see you are in pain and I’m here to support you”. The second approach is compassionate and offers comfort, but it also acknowledges their challenge without bringing it back to yourself. Do you see?’
‘It makes sense,’ she said slowly. ‘I suppose that’s why we spent so much time in training learning about maintaining boundaries and not getting burned out from absorbing everyone’s issues.’
They sat in comfortable silence for a while, and then Arne asked, ‘How are you progressing with your tour of apologies?’
Delilah had deliberately avoided bringing up the topic, unwilling to revisit the painful episode with Carl. Since the night out with Armenique, she’d found herself re-reading Carl’s texts obsessively and feeling worse about herself each time. Reluctantly, she related the events at the bar to Arne.
‘Isn’t it weird how I apparently feel too much empathy for my clients and yet I didn’t seem to have any for the men I dumped,’ Delilah ended wryly.
‘Why do you think that is?’
‘I know it sounds ridiculous,’ she said hesitantly, ‘but it’s like I don’t even remember what I’ve done. Somewhere inside me, I know I’ve hurt someone, but because I don’t know how to make it better, I think I blank it out or bury it and move on.’
‘That’s interesting. And how does admitting this make you feel?’
‘Guilty – and awful about myself!’
‘Do you think there is some way you can change this pattern?’
Delilah stretched her arms above her head and rolled her neck gently to relieve the stiffness from slouching in the chair. ‘I’m not sure. I’ve got two more people to go, so we’ll see. One of them is away for a couple of weeks, which leaves the other one. I’m dreading it, and I’ve been dithering for days. But I’ll just have to pull up my big girl pants and get on with it.’
‘Is there a reason why this particular man represents such a challenge?’
Instead of answering, Delilah looked around the room, taking in the photographs on the walls. The black and white images were so sharp and vivid that the forest appeared to teem with life. She could imagine the intense green of the leaves on the majestically tall trees and picture the vibrant colours of the flowers and birds circling overhead.
‘Did you take those pictures?’ she asked, suddenly curious to know more about the man who knew so much about her.
Arne followed her gaze. ‘Yes. In Norway. I grew up in a rural area close to the forest and the wilderness. Even now, being outdoors is my therapy. I find the natural world helps me feel more connected to everything around me.’
Delilah turned back to him, struck by how his droopy eyes had lit up.
‘Whenever I am home, I like to walk somewhere beautiful in nature,’ Arne added. ‘It reminds me that despite everything we humans do to each other, the world is still a beautiful place. Even here in England, when the weather permits, I walk to the top of a hill and take in the views.’ He contemplated the photographs for a few moments and then turned back to study Delilah, who was hunched in the armchair, playing with a twist of her hair.
