Page 29 of Sorry, Not Sorry
She knew she sounded sulky, but she was sick of spending her days parked in front of the television, re-reading books from her course or beating the worn track between her house and Salome’s. Christmas was fast approaching and while the entire country seemed obsessed with mince pies and shopping, she simply felt depressed. She was desperate for intellectual stimulation from people other than Maya and Arin, and while at the time she’d been shocked by Salome’s frustrated outburst – one which her sister subsequently downplayed whenever Delilah tried to bring it up – she had a new-found respect for Salome’s willingness to stay at home full-time.
‘When you do all this thinking, what do you find yourself reflecting about most?’ Arne’s question dragged Delilah back to the present and the predicament that was never far from her mind. It had been over a week since the encounter with Noah and it was hard to think about anything else. She squashed the temptation to spill the beans to Arne about the unholy bargain her ex-fiancé was offering. There was little point inviting a lecture on the obvious conflict of interest when she hadn’t yet agreed to Noah’s terms.
But Arne was waiting for an answer, and so she blurted out the first thing that came into her head. ‘I find myself thinking a lot about relationships and wondering why some couples work so well while other people seem to, well – suck at them, frankly.’
‘And why do you think that is?’
‘No offence, but somehow I don’t think I’d be sitting here with you if I knew the answer,’ she said with a wry smile. ‘Why do you think some people are lucky enough to have found “the one”’ – she crooked her fingers into air quotes – ‘while the rest of us stay broken or have to fix ourselves and make do with whatever we can get?’
‘That sounds rather depressing – and perhaps a bit reductive, no? Do you consider love to be a random win of the lottery? That there are a few winners and everyone else settles for second best?’
Trust Arne to answer a question with a series of questions, Delilah thought in amusement. ‘Well, quite often relationships are depressing,’ she countered. ‘That’s why people like me exist – to help couples find the joy that vanishes as soon as people become crutches for each other.’
Arne arched an eyebrow, and Delilah broke into a laugh. ‘God, I really sound like a doom merchant, don’t I? Don’t get me wrong, I like seeing people happy in their relationships and if I can help them get there, then so much the better.’
‘Since you posed the question, how much of people’s success in their relationships do you think is down to luck and how much comes from healthy or unhealthy patterns of behaviour and emotional baggage from childhood?’
‘There’s definitely an element of luck,’ Delilah said slowly. ‘I mean, how many of us actually get to find our soul mate? But if you’re asking whether people replicate toxic or one-sided relationships, then, yes. I’ve been going back over some of the papers I studied for my counselling exams and a lot of them link dysfunctional adult relationships to emotional scars from childhood.’
‘So you would agree that an adult who was exposed to unhealthy relationship dynamics as a child can struggle with maintaining meaningful relationships?’ Arne probed.
‘It’s possible,’ Delilah said carefully. ‘But it can also strengthen someone’s survival instinct.’
‘In what way?’
‘Well, by putting up boundaries and keeping enough emotional distance to protect yourself from being sucked into situations you can’t control,’ Delilah shot back.
‘That is very interesting.’ Arne leaned forward, his eyes boring into hers. ‘And when you reflect on your own relationships and those you observed in your childhood, what do you think taught you to be vigilant and to avoid getting too close to someone in case you are hurt?’
Arne spoke calmly but his words hit Delilah with the suddenness of an assassin’s bullet to the brain. Her heart rate accelerated, and it was as if the breath had been sucked out of her chest. She shook her head violently and squeezed her fists so tightly she felt her nails cutting into the softness of her palms.
‘Delilah, I assure you this is a safe space for us to explore your experiences and try to understand how they have impacted you,’ he said softly. ‘Can we try that?’
She nodded dumbly, not sure what she was agreeing to, and Arne continued, his deep voice as gentle as if speaking to a child. ‘We all carry wounds from our childhood, but with self-awareness and compassion, we can heal. However, any healing requires acknowledging what, perhaps, you have already indirectly admitted. Being willing to recognise your vulnerabilities can only make you a more effective counsellor and I want to support you in this. Is that okay?’
Delilah closed her eyes, slowly breathing in and out to steady the riot of emotions Arne had unleashed. She knew he was trying to help, but the harder he pounded at her defences, the more afraid she was to let them go.
‘I think the apology exercise is helping me take a more mature approach to relationships,’ she said quietly. It wasn’t what he’d asked, but it was all she was prepared to tell him.
If Arne was disappointed at her for avoiding his question, it didn’t show, and his expression remained neutral. ‘In what way?’
‘Coming clean to my exes and seeing things from their perspective has made me grow up a bit and take more accountability for my actions.’ She pulled her knees up to her chest and pondered her next words. She hadn’t planned to tell him, but she also needed to distract Arne – whatever it took.
‘Well, even a few weeks ago, I couldn’t have imagined speaking to my ex-boyfriends, let alone trying to help them out. Did I mention Noah asked for my advice with some issues in his relationship? Strictly as a friend, of course!’ she added, injecting a casual note into her voice. ‘Obviously, I’m aware that counselling someone I’ve had a relationship with could be seen as breaching ethics, but I’ve been very clear that this is more like coaching – you know, just giving him and his… his girlfriend a few ideas to help her navigate a bit of awkwardness with Noah’s mum.’
Arne’s bushy brows knitted into a frown as he tugged gently on his beard, a sign Delilah had come to know meant he was deep in thought.
‘Delilah, there is a good reason why we are required to abide by a code of ethics as counsellors and therapists,’ he said eventually. ‘Do you consider yourself able to remain fair and impartial in your advice and avoid causing inadvertent harm, given your history with Noah?’
‘I might have ended the relationship, but I still care about him, and I would never do anything to hurt him or Zazie,’ Delilah said earnestly, aware she had boxed herself into a corner and was now defending a decision she hadn’t even made yet. But if she did help Noah – and it was still an if – she would do everything in her power to put aside their past history. Besides, the man was madly in love with Zazie now, so how hard could that be?
‘I am struggling to understand how inserting yourself into Noah’s relationship will help you. Have you reflected on your motivations here and is it possible you may be trying to sabotage your own success in learning from your past choices and making better decisions?’
Was it her imagination, or did she detect a note of disappointment in Arne’s voice?
‘Noah and I finished years ago, and the way I see it, if Noah’s willing to forgive me and I can help him – them – then surely it’s proof I’m able to stay objective – which is what Polly seems to have a problem with,’ she said defiantly, not sure which of them she was hoping to convince.
Arne paused and thought for a second. ‘Help me understand your end goal here, Delilah,’ he said eventually. ‘With the other men, you accepted what they offered and moved on, so what is different this time? Are you seeking redemption, or is what you are suggesting founded on a desire to prolong contact with Noah?’
