Page 35 of Sorry, Not Sorry
‘I’m overreacting!’ Zazie gasped, visibly flushed beneath her smooth brown skin. ‘Well, if you ask me, you’re underreacting!’
Delilah closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. ‘Noah, you can’t know how something feels to another person, so you don’t get to decide how they should respond. You need to take more responsibility for your language because it sounds like you’re belittling her concerns and that’s not helpful. Can’t you understand how upset Zazie feels and just give her your unconditional support?’
Noah raised his hands in surrender. ‘Okay, fine, I take it back! Zazie, I’m not trying to piss you off, I promise. I know my mum gives you a hard time and I totally get how it makes you feel.’
‘Good!’ Delilah said firmly before turning to a still fuming Zazie. ‘Given what Noah was trying, in his own clumsy way, to say, is there anything you’re willing to change in how you interact with his mum that could make her behave more warmly towards you?’
Zazie folded her arms and crossed her legs, her skinny jeans outlining toned thighs Delilah would have killed for. ‘No offence, Delilah, but I’m starting to realise there’s no point in me trying to be nice to that woman. I don’t think any of this is actually about me. I could be as sweet as pie – and God knows I’ve tried – but the bottom line is she hates the idea of someone taking her precious son away. This isn’t down to me – she’s the one who needs to get over herself.’
Noah sat bolt upright, and a muscle twitched in his jaw. ‘You’re right, Del, we’re not getting anywhere here. My mother is who she is, and I don’t see her changing for anyone. Zazie has to be the bigger person and do whatever it takes to make things right with her.’
Zazie snorted in disbelief. ‘Why do I have to be the bigger person? Your mum’s a grown arsed woman! You need to talk to her and tell her what’s what. I can’t win here if you’re always going to put her feelings before mine. D’you know what? I bet she’s the reason why none of your relationships have lasted!’
Noah’s expression froze, and Delilah winced. She was about to leap to his defence when she caught his eye. His expression dared her to speak and make a mess of things, and she bit her lip hard to stop the words fighting to escape. Why, why, why had she agreed to this terrible idea? She could pretend as much as she liked, but there was absolutely no way she could be a neutral party in this situation. She and Noah had way too much history for her to help him and Zazie in good faith.
Zazie stood up and reached for the short faux-fur jacket on the back of her chair. ‘I’ve had enough of this,’ she declared. This time, Noah sat in stony-faced silence and made no attempt to dissuade her.
‘When you’re ready to accept that your attitude to your mum is the real problem, call me. Delilah, thanks for trying to help.’ Zazie’s smile looked forced and there was a faint wobble in her voice. ‘You’ve been brilliant.’
Without giving Noah a second glance, Zazie stalked off, her long strides quickly eating up the short distance to the door.
‘What the hell was that about?’ Delilah turned on Noah in disbelief. ‘Is it really more important for you to be right than to sort out a problem you claim really matters to you?’
Noah shrugged off the question. ‘It’s not that big a deal. She’ll come around when she’s calmed down.’
‘You do understand that telling someone they’re overreacting isn’t going to get you anywhere? What the hell, Noah! All you had to do was acknowledge she was upset and suggest talking it over when you’ve both had a chance to reflect.’
‘Yeah, well you’re the counsellor, not me,’ he said shortly. They sat in silence while Delilah toyed with her empty coffee cup, debating whether to speak out or mind her own business. Noah and Zazie’s relationship wasn’t about her, but it was hard not to feel a sense of obligation to help him find happiness and stop him sabotaging his own relationship.
‘The way you were just now…’ She forced herself to say the words. ‘You were harsh and unkind. That’s not the person you were before – when you were with me.’
It was like watching a statue come to life as Noah’s face lit up with fury and his eyes blazed with resentment. ‘You think I don’t know that? Well, here’s a newsflash. You destroyed the person I was with you, and if you think I was unkind to Zazie, then what you did to me was a hundred times worse. Did you ever think about the consequences of your actions? Did you seriously think you could just trample over my heart, and I’d bounce back like nothing happened?’
Delilah’s eyes filled with tears at the unexpected tirade, and she shook her head dumbly. But as if her words had opened the floodgates, there was no stopping Noah.
‘You broke things off between us with no warning – and on the bloody phone, of all things! How did I deserve that?’ he raged. ‘No, I’m sorry but you don’t get to sit here and call me unkind. When you bailed on me, I couldn’t get out of bed for a week, didn’t talk to anyone for a month. My mother was so freaked out, she had everyone from the doctor to her pastor round to stop me from doing something stupid…’
Horrified by the picture Noah had just painted and the raw pain in his voice, Delilah hung her head, too ashamed to look at him.
‘It’s no wonder she hates me,’ she said brokenly. ‘I’d hate me too if someone did that to my son.’
‘She doesn’t hate you,’ Noah said quietly. He exhaled deeply and his shoulders slumped as though he was exhausted. ‘She’s just hurt for me. They both liked you. Dad – Dad loved you almost more than I did!’
Delilah couldn’t help the tremor that ran through her at his admission – even if he had framed it in the past tense. She owed him the truth, or at least as much of it as she could contemplate.
‘Maybe it was too much,’ she said haltingly.
‘What was too much?’
‘All that love. I think I got scared because it felt like a lot.’
When Noah still looked puzzled, Delilah swallowed hard. ‘Well, it’s obvious I didn’t deserve all that love, isn’t it? Look at what I did to you! It might sound like a weird thing to say, but I’m glad you met Zazie. You’re a good man and you deserve to be happy.’
Delilah tried, but she couldn’t control the tremble in her voice. ‘What I did to you was the absolute worst thing anyone could do. I let you love me and then I literally ran out on you. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I hope one day you will. I know it sounds selfish, and I don’t mean it to be, but maybe if you can forgive me, you’ll stop feeling so angry and give yourself a chance to properly move on with Zazie.’
25
Inside the bustling Nigerian restaurant, the lively Afrobeats music combined with the aromas of spicy food transported Delilah back to the days of sitting in the kitchen while her mother cooked up large pots of Ghanaian food and played African music on full blast. As she waited for Remi to join her, the mix of English and African languages interspersed with loud laughter around her was a bitter-sweet reminder of the boisterous get-togethers with her mother’s extended family – before they all drifted away and eventually lost touch with her and Salome.
